for Owners Guide to Thorn7/25/2004 c1 Gretty
Haha! This is great! You should write more of these kinds of things... or you could write the recall notice for the THORN model. :)
But I disagree that Thorn would write bad love poetry. He's so great at everything else...
Haha! This is great! You should write more of these kinds of things... or you could write the recall notice for the THORN model. :)
But I disagree that Thorn would write bad love poetry. He's so great at everything else...
6/4/2004 c1 melli1600
Thanks - I'll definitely have a look at those things :)
Thanks - I'll definitely have a look at those things :)
6/4/2004 c1 Avalon Mists
Great!
There were a couple of things I did pick up on.
"Please see the (e)nclosed..."
In 'INSTALLATION (1)' there seems to be a couple of extra blank lines, one before and one after Horn.
Comma in point 5 of INSTALLATION "Although your THORN model may not need one, it is..."
Point 6, under ACCESSORIES AND COSTUMES, the second sentence could be rephrased/worded eg "Additional clothing is an optional extra, if you wish.."
Do the accessories listed under 6B come with Thorn, or are they just other things available? Maybe the last sentence there could read "Additional/Replacement items (g) through...)
OPERATING PROCEDURE- think you don't need the first full stop as you have it after the brackets.
Full stop needed at the end of last sentence under 'Doctor'.
In 'Singing and Dancing Instructor' there is two 'and's and two 'or's- can the sentence be reworded to aviod this?
Political Leader- first sentence comma "than any mortal..." Full stop a the end of the second sentence.
The second sentence of FAQ needs a bracket at the end.
Maybe rather than saying that Thorn is 'not fat' you could give a weight range eg "Unspecified but in the vicinity of..." Might suit the 'wordy' type language more.
In point 4 of INSTALLATION, it might flow better if you change the order of the listed items eg "Then lay out the horn, garter, sword or scissors..."
Possible comma in second sentence of 'Expedition Leader'- "ANGAVAR mode(,) you'll never..."
Blank line after Diarmid under COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS.
I did love the protected informantion, the "Mate" of True Thomas, and the Morragan model!
Great stuff, well done! :D
Great!
There were a couple of things I did pick up on.
"Please see the (e)nclosed..."
In 'INSTALLATION (1)' there seems to be a couple of extra blank lines, one before and one after Horn.
Comma in point 5 of INSTALLATION "Although your THORN model may not need one, it is..."
Point 6, under ACCESSORIES AND COSTUMES, the second sentence could be rephrased/worded eg "Additional clothing is an optional extra, if you wish.."
Do the accessories listed under 6B come with Thorn, or are they just other things available? Maybe the last sentence there could read "Additional/Replacement items (g) through...)
OPERATING PROCEDURE- think you don't need the first full stop as you have it after the brackets.
Full stop needed at the end of last sentence under 'Doctor'.
In 'Singing and Dancing Instructor' there is two 'and's and two 'or's- can the sentence be reworded to aviod this?
Political Leader- first sentence comma "than any mortal..." Full stop a the end of the second sentence.
The second sentence of FAQ needs a bracket at the end.
Maybe rather than saying that Thorn is 'not fat' you could give a weight range eg "Unspecified but in the vicinity of..." Might suit the 'wordy' type language more.
In point 4 of INSTALLATION, it might flow better if you change the order of the listed items eg "Then lay out the horn, garter, sword or scissors..."
Possible comma in second sentence of 'Expedition Leader'- "ANGAVAR mode(,) you'll never..."
Blank line after Diarmid under COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS.
I did love the protected informantion, the "Mate" of True Thomas, and the Morragan model!
Great stuff, well done! :D