1/1/2006 c1 12wrecked
Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I mainly just skimmed over the story in its entirety after reading the first five paragraphs.

But I want to give you some pointers and be a slight nitpicker.

The first sentence is a run on sentence, not very catching to the readers. It doesn't draw the person in on interest.

Two: Its another grammar problem that is common but slightly annoying. Repeatedly using the same exact word to begin a sentence one right after another. (Ex. She said hi. She said she was having a great time.) Use different variations of a sentence or two, as I saw the problem reappear several times.

You switched quite a bit from present tense to past tense, so that's something to look out for, along with spelling.

I noticed that this isn't one of your later fics as well as the fact that you don't live in the U.S., so i applaud you on your ability to overshadow very very many of the Americans on this site.

Bravo!

Anyways, i wish you luck for in the future and hope that you take my advice to be helpful, as it was not meant to come off as a flame to you.

Tschau, BTI.

3/24/2005 c1 9kochan1
That is...if you are who I think you are. Otherwise - do ignore the above.

Anyhows, thought I'd repay the favour of your review by returning one.

The Good: Killing off a major character in the 1st chapter is pretty ambitious, good to see you like a challenge. Will be interesting to see how you handle the ripples through the plotline from it. And for Kasumi to retrieve the Dragon Sword. This is also has major potential, so here's for good luck. Lastly, Raidou's offer to Kasumi to join the Ha-Mon is an excellent one, despite him having been exiled and her choosing to run.

The Not-so-good: I noticed you mentioned having Metal Overlord check through your fic. I'm assuming you mean plot wise. You do tie in your story to the original rather well. Your descriptions have a lot of potential and I can see that your ideas are quite well thought out. The problem is that your technique could do with a little work. Running a spell check through your fic before you post wouldn't hurt. Punctuation as well.

Check through the grammer as well, this is probably where you can tighten up the fic the most. Sentences start in the past tense and finish in the present, vice versa.

You also swapped your Point of View from Kasumi's to Raidou's halfway through the 2nd scene. Would have been better to stick in Kasumi's from beginning to end perhaps, just so the reader settles in better. Showing Raidou's emotions through Kasumi without swapping into his mindset does require a little more work though.

It's a real shame when you've got great ideas and just can't portray them to your readers the way you see them. That's what technique's all about ;)

I think I recall that English isn't your first language (I'm guessing you're from HK). There's no shame in that and for you to be writing fics like these ones, it's certainly one hell of a challenge and achievement. However, I would suggest trying to look into the formatting and editing a little bit more. Perhaps have Metal Overlord help you on that. I'd be willing to help you on a couple of paragraphs just to show you as well if you like. Feel free to email me.

Best of luck!

My Rant

Ko-Chan

3/13/2005 c1 Nashi-chan logging in is such a pain
Wow... I have to say that you are brave Wolf... For in this world of Hayabusa fan girls you have commited a great crime...

But oh well!

Nice first chapter, I'm even willing to over look the fact that the strawberry queen was in it. Poor Hayabusa and his death... Is this whole mist thing from Ninja Gaiden?

But tell me, who was he in love with that he told Kasumi of? You know, maybe I'll write something with Kasumi one day...

...

Maybe... I'll be waiting for the next chapter!