for Another one of THOSE days6/16/2005 c4 
2Uzziel
Yay! Ron's alive and Nina's... still a **. Thank God she finally got capped in Season 3. Interestingly enough, Shego actually seems repentant for a change; a nice change of pace actually.
Looks good, though I do suggest that you start a new line per each line of dialogue and save the paragraphs for narrative. The format as is comes off as partly schitzophrenic, bit of a pain to figure out who's talking. Keep it in mind for future entries.
Later,
-Godhand's Number-
PS: Is it just me, or is this moving a bit too fast? You do have 21 more hours to go, you know.
2UzzielYay! Ron's alive and Nina's... still a **. Thank God she finally got capped in Season 3. Interestingly enough, Shego actually seems repentant for a change; a nice change of pace actually.
Looks good, though I do suggest that you start a new line per each line of dialogue and save the paragraphs for narrative. The format as is comes off as partly schitzophrenic, bit of a pain to figure out who's talking. Keep it in mind for future entries.
Later,
-Godhand's Number-
PS: Is it just me, or is this moving a bit too fast? You do have 21 more hours to go, you know.
5/8/2005 c4 2Forgotten466
That Camp Wannaweep part had me laughing like crazy. I would have never thought about placing Jack there. Besides that the story is flowing perfectly, you captured Nina perfectly. Smiling during the locating of the tracking chip and leaving Ron to bleed to death, you made her into one class A **. Keep up the great work.
Until the good writing.
-Forgotten466-
2Forgotten466That Camp Wannaweep part had me laughing like crazy. I would have never thought about placing Jack there. Besides that the story is flowing perfectly, you captured Nina perfectly. Smiling during the locating of the tracking chip and leaving Ron to bleed to death, you made her into one class A **. Keep up the great work.
Until the good writing.
-Forgotten466-
5/5/2005 c2 Arrta Myrdhyn
Your death figures are way off.
"we estimate 10,0 dead in 12 hours with an estimated 1,0,0 projected within a year"
The estimated population of LA for 2004 was 10,103,0 that does not include vacationers or people who travel to the city from the surrounding area to work.
An airborne virus such as the one you describe would spread exponentially. You say from contact to termination is instant so there is no incubation period. No timeframe is set for the desolving of the body, thou I would believe that as it slowly does this it would release more of the virus into the air. You also do not identify the time which the virus can survive in the air, however, if the bodies do slowly release more and more till completed disolved thats saturating the area for however long that is.
10,0 in 12 hours.. I dont think so.. The entire population of LA in a few minutes seems more likely. The only exceptions would be possible isolated areas which the virus did not carry to due to possible short airborne lifetime. Wind would also contribute.
If the virus were able to live forever in the air and were to somehow make it into the jetstream then the entire population of the planet would be extinct within 4 and a half days. And thats worst case.
Your death figures are way off.
"we estimate 10,0 dead in 12 hours with an estimated 1,0,0 projected within a year"
The estimated population of LA for 2004 was 10,103,0 that does not include vacationers or people who travel to the city from the surrounding area to work.
An airborne virus such as the one you describe would spread exponentially. You say from contact to termination is instant so there is no incubation period. No timeframe is set for the desolving of the body, thou I would believe that as it slowly does this it would release more of the virus into the air. You also do not identify the time which the virus can survive in the air, however, if the bodies do slowly release more and more till completed disolved thats saturating the area for however long that is.
10,0 in 12 hours.. I dont think so.. The entire population of LA in a few minutes seems more likely. The only exceptions would be possible isolated areas which the virus did not carry to due to possible short airborne lifetime. Wind would also contribute.
If the virus were able to live forever in the air and were to somehow make it into the jetstream then the entire population of the planet would be extinct within 4 and a half days. And thats worst case.
4/24/2005 c3 Forgotten466
Starting to have that 24 feel to it. Innocent cheerleaders going to die, Ron most likely will be killed very soon and Barkin is in a chopper heading towards a hospital after being shot in the chest. This story is coming around nicely and involving Shego was a great move. But the best has to be bringing Nina into the story. I was somewhat sad to see her get killed off last season, she was suck a well-crafted villain.
Everything looks good, keep up the work.
-Forgotten466-
Starting to have that 24 feel to it. Innocent cheerleaders going to die, Ron most likely will be killed very soon and Barkin is in a chopper heading towards a hospital after being shot in the chest. This story is coming around nicely and involving Shego was a great move. But the best has to be bringing Nina into the story. I was somewhat sad to see her get killed off last season, she was suck a well-crafted villain.
Everything looks good, keep up the work.
-Forgotten466-
4/23/2005 c3 2Uzziel
KP x-over with 24? Cool premise, and it's good to actually see one posted considering rumors circling about. So far it isn't bad, but be sure to think at least five entries ahead. You do have 21 more entries to write.
Formatting is fair. Though I've seen there is an abundance of present tense. Typically prose is written in past tense lest it is written in a teleplay format. There is a problem with the show-and-not-tell cannon. Less can be more in a prose. By being purposefully vague, a reader can construe a more vivid image in his/her mind. By furhter elaborating on concepts (if you will) that the reader already has a clear idea on, it can detract from the experience. Sadly, it can't be taught, only be mastered through time and experience. Keep that in mind for later entries.
Keep it up,
-Godhand's Number-
PS: Rotting from the inside out. "Necrotic" I believe is the term.
2UzzielKP x-over with 24? Cool premise, and it's good to actually see one posted considering rumors circling about. So far it isn't bad, but be sure to think at least five entries ahead. You do have 21 more entries to write.
Formatting is fair. Though I've seen there is an abundance of present tense. Typically prose is written in past tense lest it is written in a teleplay format. There is a problem with the show-and-not-tell cannon. Less can be more in a prose. By being purposefully vague, a reader can construe a more vivid image in his/her mind. By furhter elaborating on concepts (if you will) that the reader already has a clear idea on, it can detract from the experience. Sadly, it can't be taught, only be mastered through time and experience. Keep that in mind for later entries.
Keep it up,
-Godhand's Number-
PS: Rotting from the inside out. "Necrotic" I believe is the term.
4/19/2005 c2 2Forgotten466
This has the makings of a very good story, and in truth the worlds of Kim Possible and 24 are very close. Not to mention I think you were right in your placement of the story line. Tony as head of CTU and Jack already a part of the organization helps to bring a certain flow to the story. Well anyway please keep up the great work; you have a talent for it.
Until then good writing.
-Forgotten466-
2Forgotten466This has the makings of a very good story, and in truth the worlds of Kim Possible and 24 are very close. Not to mention I think you were right in your placement of the story line. Tony as head of CTU and Jack already a part of the organization helps to bring a certain flow to the story. Well anyway please keep up the great work; you have a talent for it.
Until then good writing.
-Forgotten466-
4/19/2005 c2 2Mr H from D
Cool, I wonder how far you will go to keep the 24 feeling alive. You should kill at least two cheerleaders in the next chapter ;)
Anyway, I love the idea of Motor Ed and Adrena Lynn being together! I hope they return (24 hours can be a long time)
2Mr H from DCool, I wonder how far you will go to keep the 24 feeling alive. You should kill at least two cheerleaders in the next chapter ;)
Anyway, I love the idea of Motor Ed and Adrena Lynn being together! I hope they return (24 hours can be a long time)
4/17/2005 c1 2Mr H from D
Hm...I'm also planning to write a KP/24 crossover. Okay, now I'm not the first one anymore ;).
Your story starts good, hope you update soon.
2Mr H from DHm...I'm also planning to write a KP/24 crossover. Okay, now I'm not the first one anymore ;).
Your story starts good, hope you update soon.