for Beacon8/3/2005 c1 Seraphim
This is very dark. (The first sentence refers to the first part of your summary.) At least one of the sentences in the summary is a sentence fragment; I forgot the other one.
"You're grounded." Your means that it belongs to you. You're is a contraction of you are. Unless you mean 'you own the grounded', you use 'you're'.
The short clipped center part of the story is confusing. It makes for difficult reading. Although it does get the point over effectively, I feel that it would have been better if you elaborated a bit more.
I like the last part of the story. I feel that it's a little too much about eyes, but that's fine. However, I don't understand why you used 'The young [sic] red Head...' Is there a large floating object called Head that suddenly appeared? Does it command dozens of chibi Mimis that only eat PB&J? I am unsure why you capitalized 'Head'. If you said 'blonde', you probably wouldn't capitalize it, unless in a general nickname for them in the story. I apologize for not doing research on that grammar before reviewing your story.
Generally, I like it. It is a very nice little drabble piece.
This is very dark. (The first sentence refers to the first part of your summary.) At least one of the sentences in the summary is a sentence fragment; I forgot the other one.
"You're grounded." Your means that it belongs to you. You're is a contraction of you are. Unless you mean 'you own the grounded', you use 'you're'.
The short clipped center part of the story is confusing. It makes for difficult reading. Although it does get the point over effectively, I feel that it would have been better if you elaborated a bit more.
I like the last part of the story. I feel that it's a little too much about eyes, but that's fine. However, I don't understand why you used 'The young [sic] red Head...' Is there a large floating object called Head that suddenly appeared? Does it command dozens of chibi Mimis that only eat PB&J? I am unsure why you capitalized 'Head'. If you said 'blonde', you probably wouldn't capitalize it, unless in a general nickname for them in the story. I apologize for not doing research on that grammar before reviewing your story.
Generally, I like it. It is a very nice little drabble piece.
165/19/2001 c1 Azzie
Short and sweet! *grin* I like! Damn, I love Daisuke and Ken!
Short and sweet! *grin* I like! Damn, I love Daisuke and Ken!