for Valentine's Day11/3/2006 c1 
6Maggy
Well, that was unexpected... certainly from waay outside the proverbial box.
I see that this is the first story you have posted (or else your first under this name). Running with my first deduction, though, I offer what I hope is a few points of constructive criticism.
*Plausibility: I have to agree with the first reviewer, who noted a creeping feeling of discomfort that Angelo was being somehow taken advantage of. Angelo's developmental deficiencies surely remove him from the category of "consenting adult." Nevertheless, there are likely ways to accomplish your plan and have the "union" of Miss Parker and the clearly child-like Angelo seem more reasonable. (For example, Jarod could have been diligently working on that treatment that restored Angelo's cognitive maturity in the two-part episode with Haley Joel Osment (I forget the title).)
* Pacing: This is obviously a story you're proud of, since you took the time to write and post it here. Remember that a good story "shows" rather than "tells." Since dialogue creates a very fast-paced scene, your initial "conversation" between Angelo and Ms. Parker rushes by so fast that you, the writer, felt compelled to follow it with a paragraph of explanation. This is an indication that you might want to go back and express some of these elements through the course of the "exchange" rather than as a summary following each dialogue.
This holds for the development of the plot as well. "It was bound to happen" is just a little thin for an explanation of a character development that undoubtedly will take your readers by surprise. Likewise with the collapse of the Center. The paragraph wherein you announce and explain this cataclysmic event seems a bit -quick?
*Technical/formatting conventions: It is much easier to follow dialogue if it is consistently punctuated. The convention is to open and close the dialogue with quotation marks. However, if you break a single speaker's speech with a descriptor, you should indicate it with a closing and then reopening of the quotation marks; the response dialogue must be punctuated as well. For example:
"Hello, Jarod," Ms. Parker purred into the phone. "What the do you want now?"
"Want? Why do you always assume I 'want' something?"
As I said, these observations are intended as constructive. It take a lot of courage to create something and then post it for all comers to take shots at.
6MaggyWell, that was unexpected... certainly from waay outside the proverbial box.
I see that this is the first story you have posted (or else your first under this name). Running with my first deduction, though, I offer what I hope is a few points of constructive criticism.
*Plausibility: I have to agree with the first reviewer, who noted a creeping feeling of discomfort that Angelo was being somehow taken advantage of. Angelo's developmental deficiencies surely remove him from the category of "consenting adult." Nevertheless, there are likely ways to accomplish your plan and have the "union" of Miss Parker and the clearly child-like Angelo seem more reasonable. (For example, Jarod could have been diligently working on that treatment that restored Angelo's cognitive maturity in the two-part episode with Haley Joel Osment (I forget the title).)
* Pacing: This is obviously a story you're proud of, since you took the time to write and post it here. Remember that a good story "shows" rather than "tells." Since dialogue creates a very fast-paced scene, your initial "conversation" between Angelo and Ms. Parker rushes by so fast that you, the writer, felt compelled to follow it with a paragraph of explanation. This is an indication that you might want to go back and express some of these elements through the course of the "exchange" rather than as a summary following each dialogue.
This holds for the development of the plot as well. "It was bound to happen" is just a little thin for an explanation of a character development that undoubtedly will take your readers by surprise. Likewise with the collapse of the Center. The paragraph wherein you announce and explain this cataclysmic event seems a bit -quick?
*Technical/formatting conventions: It is much easier to follow dialogue if it is consistently punctuated. The convention is to open and close the dialogue with quotation marks. However, if you break a single speaker's speech with a descriptor, you should indicate it with a closing and then reopening of the quotation marks; the response dialogue must be punctuated as well. For example:
"Hello, Jarod," Ms. Parker purred into the phone. "What the do you want now?"
"Want? Why do you always assume I 'want' something?"
As I said, these observations are intended as constructive. It take a lot of courage to create something and then post it for all comers to take shots at.