for Imposters in Narnia3/6/2008 c10 
9floppyearsthebunny
what about becca? how did the sword get at his feet? What happens to paquin and how come their still talking when he got sword pointed at Peter? I really do love this story, especially Becca. Those villeins had lost even before the started. Shame on them.
9floppyearsthebunnywhat about becca? how did the sword get at his feet? What happens to paquin and how come their still talking when he got sword pointed at Peter? I really do love this story, especially Becca. Those villeins had lost even before the started. Shame on them.
2/27/2008 c9 9floppyearsthebunny
OH NO! will the other three be captured? Phew, Peter and becca are safe. But for how long?
9floppyearsthebunnyOH NO! will the other three be captured? Phew, Peter and becca are safe. But for how long?
2/25/2008 c7 115KCS
Very nice, Princess! Becca is a lovely little character, and just what Peter needed. Well done!
115KCSVery nice, Princess! Becca is a lovely little character, and just what Peter needed. Well done!
2/25/2008 c6 2Layona
please, please do write more! please, please, please!
Thanks,
Elizabeth Anne Clemons
2Layonaplease, please do write more! please, please, please!
Thanks,
Elizabeth Anne Clemons
2/23/2008 c5 115KCS
Ah, that is definitely getting there.
I really did enjoy beta-ing that chapter, and I am so glad you put the spacing in like I suggested! It is much, much easier to read!
I would look online and see if you can somehow get a Microsoft Word download, since we are having trouble with yours and my program discrepancies. See if you can find it somewhere?
But anyhow, this is most definitely getting there - good job!
115KCSAh, that is definitely getting there.
I really did enjoy beta-ing that chapter, and I am so glad you put the spacing in like I suggested! It is much, much easier to read!
I would look online and see if you can somehow get a Microsoft Word download, since we are having trouble with yours and my program discrepancies. See if you can find it somewhere?
But anyhow, this is most definitely getting there - good job!
2/22/2008 c5 9floppyearsthebunny
"they would become discouraged and step down" NO, WAY! Not these these kids! It's getting there Lucy. keep at it!
9floppyearsthebunny"they would become discouraged and step down" NO, WAY! Not these these kids! It's getting there Lucy. keep at it!
2/22/2008 c4 elecktrum
This is quite an intriguing idea for a story! I will never turn my nose up at some Peter whumping, as evidenced by a lot of stories I've written. A few points, I think, would contribute greatly to improving your story.
First off, formatting. I realize that with certain types of computers it can be beastly hard to get FFN to transfer a story's formatting, but it's vital. Most people aren't willing to wade through huge paragraphs without any breaks. A lack of formatting makes reading and enjoying a story very difficult. It improves as the story progresses, I'm glad to say. Keep it up!
Next, slow down! Don't be in such a rush to get the story out! It's not a race. Establish the setting and the situation and the characters more. The story will all the better if you take care to build up the drama slowly. Give us more story! Give us more background and motivation for the characters. Which do you like more - stories that engage all your senses and sweep you up into them, or just a few sentences of 'He said, she said'? Engage us.
Finally, I think you would greatly benefit by getting a beta reader. They aren't always easy to track down, but they're worth their weight in mithril.
Keep the chapters coming! I want to see what happens!
This is quite an intriguing idea for a story! I will never turn my nose up at some Peter whumping, as evidenced by a lot of stories I've written. A few points, I think, would contribute greatly to improving your story.
First off, formatting. I realize that with certain types of computers it can be beastly hard to get FFN to transfer a story's formatting, but it's vital. Most people aren't willing to wade through huge paragraphs without any breaks. A lack of formatting makes reading and enjoying a story very difficult. It improves as the story progresses, I'm glad to say. Keep it up!
Next, slow down! Don't be in such a rush to get the story out! It's not a race. Establish the setting and the situation and the characters more. The story will all the better if you take care to build up the drama slowly. Give us more story! Give us more background and motivation for the characters. Which do you like more - stories that engage all your senses and sweep you up into them, or just a few sentences of 'He said, she said'? Engage us.
Finally, I think you would greatly benefit by getting a beta reader. They aren't always easy to track down, but they're worth their weight in mithril.
Keep the chapters coming! I want to see what happens!
2/21/2008 c4 14Narnia's Protector
*gasp* oh my goodness...you know how to pack a punch! more! please, i beg of you...
14Narnia's Protector*gasp* oh my goodness...you know how to pack a punch! more! please, i beg of you...
2/21/2008 c4 9floppyearsthebunny
This is a great idea, Lu. Unfortunately, it needs a bit of formatting, and perhaps a bit more description. Like what Cherokee was telling you the other day. I know how it is to want to get it out there as soon as possible. Yet, sadly some people will take the time read unformatted work. I'll pm you ok?
9floppyearsthebunnyThis is a great idea, Lu. Unfortunately, it needs a bit of formatting, and perhaps a bit more description. Like what Cherokee was telling you the other day. I know how it is to want to get it out there as soon as possible. Yet, sadly some people will take the time read unformatted work. I'll pm you ok?
2/20/2008 c3 2Miniver
I sympathize deeply with you about the formatting. I've been there...Do you have a Mac computer? This site just swallows Mac paragraphs, no matter what you name the document. Supposedly you can download a free program that will help, though I never mastered that. Ask your techie friends! Disregarding that aspect of the writing, I'll say that Peter's character is convincingly delineated in these paragraphs, and I especially like the ending sentence, but the two villains are still a bit stiff. I agree with one of the previous reviewers, who talks about not making your stories go too fast. Linger a bit longer on details of setting, action, reaction, and so on. May I also suggest that you avoid words such as "sneered" and "smirked" because they telegraph too much. You have an interesting idea, though, and I hope you'll continue this story soon.
2MiniverI sympathize deeply with you about the formatting. I've been there...Do you have a Mac computer? This site just swallows Mac paragraphs, no matter what you name the document. Supposedly you can download a free program that will help, though I never mastered that. Ask your techie friends! Disregarding that aspect of the writing, I'll say that Peter's character is convincingly delineated in these paragraphs, and I especially like the ending sentence, but the two villains are still a bit stiff. I agree with one of the previous reviewers, who talks about not making your stories go too fast. Linger a bit longer on details of setting, action, reaction, and so on. May I also suggest that you avoid words such as "sneered" and "smirked" because they telegraph too much. You have an interesting idea, though, and I hope you'll continue this story soon.
2/20/2008 c2 14Narnia's Protector
ah, the plot thickens! You might need to work on your paragraphs, and try not to make your stories go too fast. If you do, you leave out important emotions that could bring the story to life. Great plot! XD
14Narnia's Protectorah, the plot thickens! You might need to work on your paragraphs, and try not to make your stories go too fast. If you do, you leave out important emotions that could bring the story to life. Great plot! XD