for Hakumei2m ago c13 
10Uraharaisgod
Hrm, three mystery entities at the end... whelp, no idea who the first one is, but random guess says Itachi. The second one is most likely Orochimaru, while the third with the split personality...I'll make a really unlikely bet and say Iruka.
10UraharaisgodHrm, three mystery entities at the end... whelp, no idea who the first one is, but random guess says Itachi. The second one is most likely Orochimaru, while the third with the split personality...I'll make a really unlikely bet and say Iruka.
6h ago c5 Uraharaisgod
...was there a Ratatouille reference in there, the thing about the gag reflex?
...was there a Ratatouille reference in there, the thing about the gag reflex?
6/17 c32 5JasmineDragon22
What happened to three weeks it's been a year ;) excellent story I love it and I want to see an update :) your plot, characterizations, and cliffhangers are superb and yes it's official...I hate Yumi :) and of course I love Itachi! Anyways update when you get the chance I want to keep reading. Oh one last thing Orochimaru and amnesia FREAKING GENIUS!
5JasmineDragon22What happened to three weeks it's been a year ;) excellent story I love it and I want to see an update :) your plot, characterizations, and cliffhangers are superb and yes it's official...I hate Yumi :) and of course I love Itachi! Anyways update when you get the chance I want to keep reading. Oh one last thing Orochimaru and amnesia FREAKING GENIUS!
6/13 c5 anon
you quoted vienna teng
marry me
you quoted vienna teng
marry me
5/30 c32 8TheCookieMonster77
yes, I know this review is a year late. I'm also hoping that there's another story or something floating around because as of the moment, this story hasn't been updated for year. hmm...I just realized that it's been a exactly a year since this thing was updated...
well first off-despite there being grammatical errors, they weren't distracting for the most part. other than that, I really don't have anything to criticize. I love your story-its development is incredible-and I think this is the first story I've read with an evil Mikoto and a good Orochimaru (well, sorta...) and now I want to know why I haven't found some others. Your characters are realistic enough for a cartoon fanfic (that's such an oxymoron, eh?) and despite your worries in your author notes, you've done an excellent job with all of them.
simply because the story doesn't say complete and it doesn't quite seem like an end of part 2 (plus a promise for another chapter) I'm going to assume that you're planning on at least one more chapter for this story and just got really busy with life. in that case, can you either update soon or can you send me a pm if this story has been abandoned or not? if you don't, I'll probably just assume you've dropped fanfiction for real life and your job as a writer and if so I hope the best to you (despite being a little annoyed the story isn't finished) and I hope you get my praise for your wonderful story :)
8TheCookieMonster77yes, I know this review is a year late. I'm also hoping that there's another story or something floating around because as of the moment, this story hasn't been updated for year. hmm...I just realized that it's been a exactly a year since this thing was updated...
well first off-despite there being grammatical errors, they weren't distracting for the most part. other than that, I really don't have anything to criticize. I love your story-its development is incredible-and I think this is the first story I've read with an evil Mikoto and a good Orochimaru (well, sorta...) and now I want to know why I haven't found some others. Your characters are realistic enough for a cartoon fanfic (that's such an oxymoron, eh?) and despite your worries in your author notes, you've done an excellent job with all of them.
simply because the story doesn't say complete and it doesn't quite seem like an end of part 2 (plus a promise for another chapter) I'm going to assume that you're planning on at least one more chapter for this story and just got really busy with life. in that case, can you either update soon or can you send me a pm if this story has been abandoned or not? if you don't, I'll probably just assume you've dropped fanfiction for real life and your job as a writer and if so I hope the best to you (despite being a little annoyed the story isn't finished) and I hope you get my praise for your wonderful story :)
5/26 c32 SilverWhiteDragon
Huh? Are you not writing Part 3 then? It's been a year since this ended...?
Huh? Are you not writing Part 3 then? It's been a year since this ended...?
5/20 c13 5SinuousFun-Keeper of Innocence
This line: Do you like pasta, cause you have angel hair!?
Ha ha ha. One day, I'ma try that. Just to see how it fairs.
5SinuousFun-Keeper of InnocenceThis line: Do you like pasta, cause you have angel hair!?
Ha ha ha. One day, I'ma try that. Just to see how it fairs.
5/18 c32 43Mystic Dragon
Very good, and interesting, story. It's a shame that it will probably never be finished (I tend to give up on stories that haven't been updated in 4-6 months, let alone a year), though I do hope that you finish the story.
There are a lot of things for me to nitpick with this, all grammar related; if you do continue the story, I suggest proofreading/re-reading a chapter before posting it and-or getting a beta reader.
First, and this was the biggest issue, there were a LOT of words missing in sentences. It would only be one word per sentence, but it would usually be a pretty important word needed in that sentence. The human mind is interesting, as it can read a jumble of letters and disjointed words and still put it together properly, but the words that were left out made even that impossible. I wound up reading the same sentence 2-3 times to understand it many times.
Next, spelling. I don't recall which chapter it was in, but twice in the same sentence, the word "know" was used in place of "now". They aren't even homonyms (unlike "then" and "than", which were mixed up quite a bit in the beginning).
There were other instances, where there were words like "saw" instead of "say", or things that a spellchecker wouldn't pick up on because it IS a word, just not the correct one. Again, this is where proofreading (or having a beta reader) would help.
This was the most common issue, next to the missing words in sentences.
A minor point, line breaks where they aren't needed, and no line breaks where they are needed. I know ff.n messes around with the document at times upon upload, but a good rule of thumb is to go into the chapter editor and make sure everything is where it's supposed to be.
Another minor point is Yumi Uchiha. At times, she's dangerously close to being a Mary Sue (particularly since she's an OC that had something going with a canon character), especially after this chapter and her obviously acquiring the mangenkyou sharingan. If you do continue the story, I know the members of Hakumei are strong (along with other characters), and thus need strong enemies to face, but just be careful of how much power and canon skills/abilities you give to an OC, whether or not she's meant to be hated by the readers.
I actually found the presence of her (as an OC) much more bearable when there was high doubt of her being an Uchiha, and was actually disappointed when it was revealed that she did belong to that clan and even had the sharingan.
Otherwise, this is a very good and interesting story playing on a lot of "what ifs", and changing around the timeline of things. Again, I do hope you decide to continue it.
43Mystic DragonVery good, and interesting, story. It's a shame that it will probably never be finished (I tend to give up on stories that haven't been updated in 4-6 months, let alone a year), though I do hope that you finish the story.
There are a lot of things for me to nitpick with this, all grammar related; if you do continue the story, I suggest proofreading/re-reading a chapter before posting it and-or getting a beta reader.
First, and this was the biggest issue, there were a LOT of words missing in sentences. It would only be one word per sentence, but it would usually be a pretty important word needed in that sentence. The human mind is interesting, as it can read a jumble of letters and disjointed words and still put it together properly, but the words that were left out made even that impossible. I wound up reading the same sentence 2-3 times to understand it many times.
Next, spelling. I don't recall which chapter it was in, but twice in the same sentence, the word "know" was used in place of "now". They aren't even homonyms (unlike "then" and "than", which were mixed up quite a bit in the beginning).
There were other instances, where there were words like "saw" instead of "say", or things that a spellchecker wouldn't pick up on because it IS a word, just not the correct one. Again, this is where proofreading (or having a beta reader) would help.
This was the most common issue, next to the missing words in sentences.
A minor point, line breaks where they aren't needed, and no line breaks where they are needed. I know ff.n messes around with the document at times upon upload, but a good rule of thumb is to go into the chapter editor and make sure everything is where it's supposed to be.
Another minor point is Yumi Uchiha. At times, she's dangerously close to being a Mary Sue (particularly since she's an OC that had something going with a canon character), especially after this chapter and her obviously acquiring the mangenkyou sharingan. If you do continue the story, I know the members of Hakumei are strong (along with other characters), and thus need strong enemies to face, but just be careful of how much power and canon skills/abilities you give to an OC, whether or not she's meant to be hated by the readers.
I actually found the presence of her (as an OC) much more bearable when there was high doubt of her being an Uchiha, and was actually disappointed when it was revealed that she did belong to that clan and even had the sharingan.
Otherwise, this is a very good and interesting story playing on a lot of "what ifs", and changing around the timeline of things. Again, I do hope you decide to continue it.
5/17 c30 5aspygirlredo
Hey! It's been over six months now so your Mum should be fine by now! So unless you are dead or in a coma you have no excuse to keep putting this off! Plus I noticed that you have worked on another story since then!
5aspygirlredoHey! It's been over six months now so your Mum should be fine by now! So unless you are dead or in a coma you have no excuse to keep putting this off! Plus I noticed that you have worked on another story since then!
5/16 c32 2pseudo-persona
You... you... you... Magnificant genius!
I have spent the past week reading this story and I love it. The character development, the story, Hakumei's abilities... even Yumi.
I am looking forward to the next story and continuation.
Keep up the amazing work :D
2pseudo-personaYou... you... you... Magnificant genius!
I have spent the past week reading this story and I love it. The character development, the story, Hakumei's abilities... even Yumi.
I am looking forward to the next story and continuation.
Keep up the amazing work :D
5/14 c32 Guest
Have you stopped the story?
Have you stopped the story?
5/10 c5 rel00p
I only just noticed, but the pic you have for your story is like as if it's custom-made. It fits the story SOOOOO well. It even has Naruto in non-canon clothes (read: ** for infiltration/stealth as well as being ugly).
I wonder what the key term is for making Naruto pics show up on Google Images without his canon clothes?
Meh, this was kind of off-topic but your story is just so amazing that there really isn't anything I can criticize and [possibly] help you improve it on. (ex: fixing plotholes)
I only just noticed, but the pic you have for your story is like as if it's custom-made. It fits the story SOOOOO well. It even has Naruto in non-canon clothes (read: ** for infiltration/stealth as well as being ugly).
I wonder what the key term is for making Naruto pics show up on Google Images without his canon clothes?
Meh, this was kind of off-topic but your story is just so amazing that there really isn't anything I can criticize and [possibly] help you improve it on. (ex: fixing plotholes)