for Forever Precious11/18/2009 c2 i love shonobu
Ah... Why'd you bail... this was turning out great... I'm really mad at you. I'd be unmad if you continued... but that probably won't happen soon... But you did a good job on what you did wright. I'll give you that.
Ah... Why'd you bail... this was turning out great... I'm really mad at you. I'd be unmad if you continued... but that probably won't happen soon... But you did a good job on what you did wright. I'll give you that.
4/18/2008 c2 
5Nysk
How honorless to give a challenge and than attack without allowing your opponent time to prepare.
Nice flow on the story though.
5NyskHow honorless to give a challenge and than attack without allowing your opponent time to prepare.
Nice flow on the story though.
4/18/2008 c2 4JonJ
As usual, you've done awesome. Also, kudos on a longer chapter, as well.. Keep up the good work...
4JonJAs usual, you've done awesome. Also, kudos on a longer chapter, as well.. Keep up the good work...
3/30/2008 c1 18Chibi Fenrir
Description is important in romance stories. You have to flesh things out so the little things the characters do can be brought out a little bit more and accent exactly how they feel and what not.
Can't complain about the setting since everyone pretty much knows how it looks but mentioning some stuff would help. Even though I say that, I think you took it too far with the paragraph at the beginning. It's cool that you want to remind the reader of everyone's position in Hinata House, but it would have been better if you took that space to explain why Naru was angry or something like that.
Interestingly enough, you probably have better a better grasp of grammar than I do but the beginning is kind of messed up but it's not bad enough to really dwell on or anything. The only thing to complain about is the length and I figured that this was just a prologue in any case.
To sum it up, all you really have to do is paint a better picture with the words you use. Make sure to keep your characters in line and you're good to go but that's just for the romance part of your story. I'm not one for humor but good luck with your story.
18Chibi FenrirDescription is important in romance stories. You have to flesh things out so the little things the characters do can be brought out a little bit more and accent exactly how they feel and what not.
Can't complain about the setting since everyone pretty much knows how it looks but mentioning some stuff would help. Even though I say that, I think you took it too far with the paragraph at the beginning. It's cool that you want to remind the reader of everyone's position in Hinata House, but it would have been better if you took that space to explain why Naru was angry or something like that.
Interestingly enough, you probably have better a better grasp of grammar than I do but the beginning is kind of messed up but it's not bad enough to really dwell on or anything. The only thing to complain about is the length and I figured that this was just a prologue in any case.
To sum it up, all you really have to do is paint a better picture with the words you use. Make sure to keep your characters in line and you're good to go but that's just for the romance part of your story. I'm not one for humor but good luck with your story.
3/29/2008 c1 Rion
You got most of their ages wrong.
You got most of their ages wrong.
3/28/2008 c1 Storyreader16
So far, so good, as mentioned to early to give a proper review, look forward to seeing more.
So far, so good, as mentioned to early to give a proper review, look forward to seeing more.