for Belonging7/15/2011 c8 
1southernyankee
I like the story, but I cannot finish it as written. This chapter was impossible to follow due to dropped names and verbs. I think it would really behoove you to come back to this story and edit it, making sure that it is readable. I don't know who is suing for Peter's custody or understand how we got from telling Natalie to his sibling's knowing.
1southernyankeeI like the story, but I cannot finish it as written. This chapter was impossible to follow due to dropped names and verbs. I think it would really behoove you to come back to this story and edit it, making sure that it is readable. I don't know who is suing for Peter's custody or understand how we got from telling Natalie to his sibling's knowing.
12/21/2010 c12 mariana
it was a good story, but it kind of had a weak and unfinished ending.
it was a good story, but it kind of had a weak and unfinished ending.
6/25/2010 c8 7Nakamura Ishimaru
could you please update this story? it is rather confusing and your leaving out important details. but the idea was nice. i will keep reading
7Nakamura Ishimarucould you please update this story? it is rather confusing and your leaving out important details. but the idea was nice. i will keep reading
6/18/2010 c6 Ivy
whats wrong with chapter four? seems like lots of words are missing and things like that. even whole phrases. and what happened to chapter five? it doesnt seem like i missed anything but its just not there.
whats wrong with chapter four? seems like lots of words are missing and things like that. even whole phrases. and what happened to chapter five? it doesnt seem like i missed anything but its just not there.
6/8/2010 c2 jjjc
hmm... Fanfiction.
hmm... Fanfiction.
5/7/2010 c5 Anonymous
Towards the end your punctuation and stuff got kind of confusing, but other than that, it's going great!
Towards the end your punctuation and stuff got kind of confusing, but other than that, it's going great!
10/12/2009 c12 am
Awesome story! I've never seen another story like this one! It was so ironic when Peter's biological grandfather didn't think that he could handle his inheritance. He was High King of Narnia for years, it was just so funny! You should definitely keep working on this story, it's really good!
Awesome story! I've never seen another story like this one! It was so ironic when Peter's biological grandfather didn't think that he could handle his inheritance. He was High King of Narnia for years, it was just so funny! You should definitely keep working on this story, it's really good!
10/2/2009 c9 23Eavis
NEVER, if you can help it, make them be rich heirs or have rich relations that somehow die out of the story.
That idea is MUCH too used.
You need to work on your punctuation and spelling.
Again, otherwise, it's good!
23EavisNEVER, if you can help it, make them be rich heirs or have rich relations that somehow die out of the story.
That idea is MUCH too used.
You need to work on your punctuation and spelling.
Again, otherwise, it's good!
10/2/2009 c5 Eavis
You need to be sure of the actual facts. I know it's time-consuming, but it's also important.
Also, I noticed that your comas ran together with the next word.
Even if you are in a hurry, you ought to correct these mistakes.
Spelling is also important.
If you do not spell correctly, it shows carelessness, even the mark of a bad writer.
But otherwise, the story is VERY good.
Keep the good work up!
You need to be sure of the actual facts. I know it's time-consuming, but it's also important.
Also, I noticed that your comas ran together with the next word.
Even if you are in a hurry, you ought to correct these mistakes.
Spelling is also important.
If you do not spell correctly, it shows carelessness, even the mark of a bad writer.
But otherwise, the story is VERY good.
Keep the good work up!
5/17/2009 c7 42Slytherclaw5450
I'm trying to read this, I really am. But there are too many gaps and it is starting to not make sense. Here's and example:
"Mum,I need to ask you a question" Peter said coming into the living room
looked up from the socks she was darning,"What's wrong" she asked
It is becoming too much. Chapter 8 is worse. I'm sorry.
42Slytherclaw5450I'm trying to read this, I really am. But there are too many gaps and it is starting to not make sense. Here's and example:
"Mum,I need to ask you a question" Peter said coming into the living room
looked up from the socks she was darning,"What's wrong" she asked
It is becoming too much. Chapter 8 is worse. I'm sorry.
1/21/2009 c8 1Eloin
Well, I've given up reading this story. I think it's a very good idea, but badly fleshed out. And I'm sorry, I just can't read fiction that hasn't been properly edited. You may want to keep in mind that there are quite a few people out there who prefer spaces to come before and after commas, and punctuation to be in the right place, or to be present at all.
Sorry if this review makes you angry, but I think you have a lot of potential as a writer if you tried harder. Your emotional development of the characters isn't bad, and as I said, the story idea is a good one (I've never seen it done before). But you have a ways to go yet. Do keep writing, but make sure to get a beta reader, especially one who understands punctuation, if you don't.
Cheers,
Eloin
1EloinWell, I've given up reading this story. I think it's a very good idea, but badly fleshed out. And I'm sorry, I just can't read fiction that hasn't been properly edited. You may want to keep in mind that there are quite a few people out there who prefer spaces to come before and after commas, and punctuation to be in the right place, or to be present at all.
Sorry if this review makes you angry, but I think you have a lot of potential as a writer if you tried harder. Your emotional development of the characters isn't bad, and as I said, the story idea is a good one (I've never seen it done before). But you have a ways to go yet. Do keep writing, but make sure to get a beta reader, especially one who understands punctuation, if you don't.
Cheers,
Eloin
1/21/2009 c5 Eloin
That is a rather abrupt and emotionless way of telling your oldest son he's not yours...
The story had me caught until now, but this chapter is a bit... weird.
Also, you might like to check the formatting, I'm pretty certain a lot of words are missing, and the commas and spaces are screwed up. Do you have a beta? Have someone read it through before posting.
I'll keep reading, but the abruptness of Peter's discovery is off-putting to me. It's a grea idea, but could have been put into practice so much better.
That is a rather abrupt and emotionless way of telling your oldest son he's not yours...
The story had me caught until now, but this chapter is a bit... weird.
Also, you might like to check the formatting, I'm pretty certain a lot of words are missing, and the commas and spaces are screwed up. Do you have a beta? Have someone read it through before posting.
I'll keep reading, but the abruptness of Peter's discovery is off-putting to me. It's a grea idea, but could have been put into practice so much better.
1/12/2009 c12 2WolfFreak-185
Cool! I think you are goin to write a second one... but I am not sure. Great story! THAT WAS AWESOME!
2WolfFreak-185Cool! I think you are goin to write a second one... but I am not sure. Great story! THAT WAS AWESOME!