3/19 c23 1Dee-em-elle
More! :D

9/5/2012 c23 5mudpuddledemon
This is great, and of course super fucked up, but life's fucked up. I like the confusion. Wish there was more. Maybe later?

3/4/2012 c23 melanchte
Pleaseeeee, more. This is a wonderful story, don't let it end like this.

10/17/2011 c23 9Saismaat
What a treat to find this update!

“It was genetic engineering at its finest: they had created a breed of soldiers who served unquestionably. And who were really, really fucking hard to kill.

Tried to test their methods on him. And it was glorious. Better than they had ever anticipated. Except that the taking orders blindly part hadn't really stuck. Guess they'd figured that out somewhere in the time it took for him to tear their operation apart from the ground up.”

Snicker. I like how unhinged this is. “Genetic engineering at its finest.” Except they really didn’t engineer what they wanted. Pretty fundamental design flaw. It’s like he can’t stay in their perspective. Who ever they are.

“He very deliberately did not reach out and take the controls back.

After way too long they were finally connected, and she was smiling like she had just slipped the chains for the very first time.

Impulsively, he pulled her into his lap. Kissed her.”

Man, that’s great. Again; this awesome moment of insight and empathy. In the middle of all this flat out psychopathy.

“Kept his hands locked behind his head the whole time. Even when she asked him to touch her. That was an experience in and of itself.”

Oh, fun. Even when he’s being a good boy, there’s these little power plays.

“The needle would go in somewhere around her third or fourth cervical vertebrae. Easier access to the cord and stem from there.

He fingered the back of her neck for a second, lost in thought. He couldn't remember if it'd hurt when they'd done it to him. Hoped not. The plan wasn't to hurt her.

But he would if necessary. Wondered if she'd look at him the same if she knew that. Probably not.”

Again, what a mix of empathy and something incredibly cold. He’s made this overwhelming decision to change her at the level of cord and stem (great words to hang on there). He knows what it will do to her. He knows it might hurt. It doesn’t seem to occur to him to discuss it with her. Control freak doesn’t seem strong enough. It’s like he’s an archetypal force ripping through her life; the Tower itself erupting through her life.

“Almost made him feel bad about what he was about to do to her.”

Which makes me wonder how reliable a witness he is.

“Something like shock crossed Riddick's face when they stepped off of the docking ramp and into the terminal corridor. She could see it in his shoulders, the way they went cable wire tight, when they stopped in front of one of the windows overlooking the earth below.”

“Cable wire tight” is great. I can see that. Great sense that he didn’t know he would react like that to this place.

“"Anything? Even combat boots? I'm starting to hate these slippers."

"Anything," he replied quickly, voice rougher than normal.

She gave him a quick, surprised look. Delighted. Couldn't help melting against him at the warm, indulgent look he caught her with. Fell into step beside him easily.

. . .

"You want a slinky dress," he asked, all interest and hunger. "Shit, Jack. I'll buy you a slinky dress. Buy you two. Can't promise they'll stay in one piece very long."”

I like that it makes his voice rough. And that little bit of firefly. Zoe in a slinky dress. Life, in a slinky dress.

I like that they’re going into a maze together. Good stuff in mazes.

I really like that he steals her an apple. Like they’re going back to the garden. Like they’re getting a chance to start over.

“One of the girls looked like Ziza might when she got older. If she got older.

The thought rose up like a tidal wave, left her breathless in its wake.

Jesus. They could all be dead and I wouldn't even know it. I haven't even thought about it.

And it was true. Hurt worse than the possibility of them being dead, the fact that in over twelve weeks she'd hardly thought about them.

Jesus. I was fighting my own demons. Still am maybe. Even if now he's giving me sweets and calling me pretty and being really, really…nice.”

Oh, sweetie, that poor girl. Riddick is plying her with treats and compliments, but yeah, he’s the monster who dragged her into the dark. Made her complicit with it. ‘Twas ever thus, but nice job having her really grok it.

She runs from the market right onto the 13th floor. Death and monsters.

“The doors slid opening with a quiet hiss.”

Open?

“slammed into a wall of black. Familiar. . . ”

Nice repetition on the “l” sounds there. I like how he becomes a dark boundary.

It’s fascinating how Riddick immediately thinks of an external threat, to be terminated with extreme violence. For all his weird empathy, he doesn’t get that seeing people; seeing people living together would remind her of what she’s lost; of what victims got tossed of the sled so she could get away.

“Huh. He stopped plotting, started listening. Whose dead?”

I really like the “p” sounds going to the “t” sounds. At first I thought it should be “who’s dead,” but now I’m not sure whether it is “who [are] these dead people you are thinking about” to “Who owns the dead people you are thinking about.” Heh.

“He considered that for a long time. Thought about what he would do if someone took her from him. What he had done. Didn't look too shiny for the holy man, he admitted. To himself. Not to her.”

Again with the empathy. And the Firefly reference! Oh, those make me happy. And again with the control. Admitted to himself. Not to her.

”Because Frye had a morality crisis and I decided to see where it went. 'Cause it bothered me to think about leaving you and you wouldn't leave anyone behind. Doubt the old man is gonna be that lucky twice.”

Good insight.

“He didn't say that out load,” - loud?

“She feels guilty 'cause they might be dead and she's not. She here. With me. And she's starting to like it.

He chewed that over for a while, liking the taste.”

Heh. He likes like she likes it. He doesn’t get in a deep way that the guilt will twist her up.

“"Look, we'll send a wave to New Mecca once we hit Deep. Still got the codes from when his wife waved me."”

Ah, more Firefly. I like how the tidal wave hit her, and that could pull some of it away.

“Hadn't made too much of an effort to hide his face from the Embassy security scanners.”

I seem to remember he smirked at them!

“She don't need to understand shit," he'd said, and put the chip in the man's hand. Doc didn't ask any more questions after that. Told Riddick the blending process would be easier if she were willing. Assured him, grinning, that if she wasn't, he had ways to make her. Riddick had thought about yanking the man tongue out through his throat. Didn't. Just clapped him on the back like they were buddies. Like he wasn't planning on snapping his neck after the procedure was done and Jack was safely back on the ship.”

Oh, that’s dark. This guy essentially offering to do to Jack what Riddick does to Jack. Make her like it. Make her complicit. And Riddick hates it. Nice.

Great last line.

Well done!

10/9/2011 c22 Saismaat
What a treat!

“The Best Laid Plans”

What an ominous title! I was expecting something dire right until the end.

“sticking out of the earth like a butcher's knife.”

Nice simile. Really puts us into Jack’s perspective on where they are going.

“He was staying away from her because she had pissed him off.”

what a fraught thing. She’s got enough power to keep him away. For a little bit.

“Alone. In a place he didn't belong. Like he had done to her.

Like he did to me. And then, I wasn't alone. I had Abu. Stop it.”

Great job of showing that she has insight into his thinking. Unwilling empathy.

“She pulled herself up out of the co-pilot's chair and dropped into Riddick's designated seat. It felt strange. Too big. She wondered if he had had it modified to suit his bulk. Whatever.”

Good for her. Taking his spot, at least symbolically.

“"Feel better?"

She fought the urge to jump out of his seat. Leaned back. Tried to kick her feet up on the console. It hurt. I really need some shoes. "Yeah. Lots."”

Heh. Yeah.

“Thumbs circling her Achilles in a way that made her press into him even though she didn't want to.”

Oh, that’s interesting. Dropping the tendon really hangs a lantern on what that is. Weakness. Humanity. What wasn’t burned away in the fires of immortality. What connects us, despite ourselves. Nice.

“A while later he said, "I didn't kill that guy. You asked me not to. Said he didn't deserve to die just because we needed a ship."

"You didn't kill him because I asked you not to." She wasn't sure how she felt about that. That she had – that she had had – that much influence over him. Back then, she would've been goddamn giddy about it. Now it just kinda scared her.”

Oh man. What a great back and forth there. She had power. It’s a good thing. And she’s not prepared.

“She tried to glare again, but ended up laughing. Smiling at her, he lifted her foot and nuzzled it, kissed it. She remembered her dream about the altar. Only now she was sitting on it. On a throne. With Riddick at her bloody feet.”

Oh man. She’s gonna have to grow up fast. She knows that too.

“He brought out the chain. Thin and long with manacles and a clasp to go around her neck.”

Yuck. What a great combination of monster and jewelry. I like that it slithers.

“His gaze damn near pinned her to the bulkhead, eyes searching for an answering she wasn't sure she wanted to give.”

So why answering instead of answer?

“"If I leave 'em off, you gonna run?"

"No." Without hesitation. "No, I won't. I won't run. Not from you."”

Nicely fraught. No hesitation. Doesn’t mean it’s truth. Doesn’t mean it’s not.

“The look she gives him then damn near puts him on his knees.

She hadn't looked at him like that since she was a little girl. All wide-eyed and happy and trusting. Like he was back to being her hero. Like he hadn't brought those chains up with half a mind to hold her down and force her into them.”

Oh, poor guy. His reality matrix is fragmenting it, isn’t it?

“He left. But not before he heard what sounded like one of the floor grates being wrenched up. And then the sound of the chain being dropped into the innards of the ship, clanking against pipes on the way down.

Just in case.

That's my girl.”

Oh, good for him. That could almost make me like this Riddick. That he really wants her to be strong.

“Toombs watched the little ship break atmo and leave a trail of fire and grit behind it.

Goddamn, but that was a beautiful sight. Eight million creds going past right before his eyes.”

Oh man, great job of bringing in a complication. A comet in the sky. Back to Pitch Black.

“Two had been blown out of the sky before they knew what hit them. The other four had wised up after that and now they were playing hide-and-seek with each other. Trying to ghost the competition.”

Creepy. All these people using each other as means to an end.

“He'd had second thoughts about bringing such a small crew. His last encounter with Riddick left him with the impression that more guns could never be a bad thing. But a four way cut was already paining him enough. No way was he losing out on any more cashy money, not if he could help it.”

His cost/benefit analysis. That’s hilarious.

“If not, well, he'd just stick a shock collar around her pretty little neck and make sure she didn't cause any hiccups in the plan. Riddick was going into cryo the minute they got his big ass on board. No chance on that.”

Creepy. Oh so creepy.

Very nicely done!

9/17/2010 c2 me
nice story so far. Very good. :]

8/20/2009 c21 5Nnaliseaai
I really like this story. I think you've kept Riddick and Jack in character pretty well. I can honestly see this happening in the series. I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes. So good job.