for The Truth Is More Hideous Than You Could Imagine4/8/2010 c5 frozenskygoldendawn
Hey, hun. I like your story so far. =)
Chapter One: So the first chapter takes place right after the mass breakout from Azkaban in Harry's fifth year? I guess the Auror guarding the house did it halfheartedly (or Bellatrix is much more skilled than him) because she got in rather easily. You characterized Bellatrix quite well ('"One Auror, but if you feel so strongly about him, I will take care of him."The corners of bellatrix's mouth turned upward at the thought."). Is this a week after the mas breakout? I'm guessing that Bellatrix went to VOldemort first and then went after Ara or whoever she's after. Haha, I love how Cassandra's solution is considerably less violent than what Bellatrix's method would have been. =) Interesting start. The only thing I would fix would be simple grammar issues such as capitalization and commas, but I really like it so far. =) I wonder how Cassandra and Bellatrix became friends though. I'm guessing that Bellatrix is the dominant one in the friendship.
Chapter Two: 5'10”? Ara is a lucky girl. I'm only 5'7”. Haha. ('"How very eloquent of you " the mirror spoke with a highly annoying high pitched octave and was more than a bit grumpy in the mornings. Ara pulled a nasty face at the mirror.”) That's funny. The mirrors in the wizarding world I mean. I don't blame her for getting pissy at the mirror, especially in the morning. I'm not much of a morning person either! (“Ara immediately narrowed her eyes, the last surprise she had from her mother involved strippers, a paperclip, and a toaster.”) Wait...what? Do I want to know? I don't think I do! Haha. Oh, god, remind me never to make that girl angry. Holy crap, she has quite a temper. Chaos ensues. XD I don't know if that's a very logical reaction. I mean, sure, she's angry about the truth of her lineage and all, but would she really just get up and leave? So she's going to the Hog's Head? That place is full of questionable people. She might meet her lovely mother there! Haha. She changed her last name? I don't think Black is that unusual of a last name, but I guess it's quite prominent in the wizarding world. Ara had a singing career? I'm wondering if that's relevant at all. How do her powers (with the chaos that ensues when she's angry and all) tie into all of this? Continuing on...
Chapter Three: That was nice of Aberforth, making sure that she didn't get too wasted, haha. She must take after he mother. Her personality is quite similar, especially when she's annoyed or ** off! So she's experiencing what it's like to fall hard from success. One thing that doesn't really make sense to me is why she chose to sing in the Muggle world. I know she feel in love with Christopher and all, but what about the wizarding world's music scene? For example, the Weird Sisters. It just seems weird to me that someone raised by a friend of Bellatrix's wouldn't have the same prejudices against Muggles, let alone the fact that she's related to Bellatrix. Oh, wow, her ex-husband was a pimp or something? XD Having a massive orgy with six women, oh my. Bastard. Lol, no wonder she dumped him.
Chapter Four: Okay, so you mentioned that Cassandra didn't like Ara's ex-husband. Did she hate him before he cheated on Ara? I just think thar Cassandra would have similar prejudices at Bellatrix against Muggles. It would make a lot of sense. If that's the case, then I'm guessing that Ara went through a rebellious phase? Hmm, this is interesting...she seems torn from choosing her mother's path and Dumbledore's side (the job at Hogwarts). Interesting! The only complaint I' have with this chapter is that I don't think Aberforth would say this specific thing...”Third, go get yourself pampered, go to the spa get cleaned up...” It just seems so funny to me. Maybe it's just me, but Aberforth doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would suggest going to a spa. Haha, it's fine though. Interesting chapter! =) I hope you did well on your AP Exam! Ooh...SSOC later on? Yay!
Chapter Five: I don't think Bellatrix was that out of character in this chapter. In fact, I think she would want to know about her daughter. It makes sense. So she's going to work at Hogwarts under Professor McGonagall? I'm predicting that if this does turn into a SSOC story, then Snape might influence the choices she will one day have to make. I hope you continue with this! It's very intriguing! =)
Holy crap, I just wrote a novel. Sorry! =)
xx Araikoe
Hey, hun. I like your story so far. =)
Chapter One: So the first chapter takes place right after the mass breakout from Azkaban in Harry's fifth year? I guess the Auror guarding the house did it halfheartedly (or Bellatrix is much more skilled than him) because she got in rather easily. You characterized Bellatrix quite well ('"One Auror, but if you feel so strongly about him, I will take care of him."The corners of bellatrix's mouth turned upward at the thought."). Is this a week after the mas breakout? I'm guessing that Bellatrix went to VOldemort first and then went after Ara or whoever she's after. Haha, I love how Cassandra's solution is considerably less violent than what Bellatrix's method would have been. =) Interesting start. The only thing I would fix would be simple grammar issues such as capitalization and commas, but I really like it so far. =) I wonder how Cassandra and Bellatrix became friends though. I'm guessing that Bellatrix is the dominant one in the friendship.
Chapter Two: 5'10”? Ara is a lucky girl. I'm only 5'7”. Haha. ('"How very eloquent of you " the mirror spoke with a highly annoying high pitched octave and was more than a bit grumpy in the mornings. Ara pulled a nasty face at the mirror.”) That's funny. The mirrors in the wizarding world I mean. I don't blame her for getting pissy at the mirror, especially in the morning. I'm not much of a morning person either! (“Ara immediately narrowed her eyes, the last surprise she had from her mother involved strippers, a paperclip, and a toaster.”) Wait...what? Do I want to know? I don't think I do! Haha. Oh, god, remind me never to make that girl angry. Holy crap, she has quite a temper. Chaos ensues. XD I don't know if that's a very logical reaction. I mean, sure, she's angry about the truth of her lineage and all, but would she really just get up and leave? So she's going to the Hog's Head? That place is full of questionable people. She might meet her lovely mother there! Haha. She changed her last name? I don't think Black is that unusual of a last name, but I guess it's quite prominent in the wizarding world. Ara had a singing career? I'm wondering if that's relevant at all. How do her powers (with the chaos that ensues when she's angry and all) tie into all of this? Continuing on...
Chapter Three: That was nice of Aberforth, making sure that she didn't get too wasted, haha. She must take after he mother. Her personality is quite similar, especially when she's annoyed or ** off! So she's experiencing what it's like to fall hard from success. One thing that doesn't really make sense to me is why she chose to sing in the Muggle world. I know she feel in love with Christopher and all, but what about the wizarding world's music scene? For example, the Weird Sisters. It just seems weird to me that someone raised by a friend of Bellatrix's wouldn't have the same prejudices against Muggles, let alone the fact that she's related to Bellatrix. Oh, wow, her ex-husband was a pimp or something? XD Having a massive orgy with six women, oh my. Bastard. Lol, no wonder she dumped him.
Chapter Four: Okay, so you mentioned that Cassandra didn't like Ara's ex-husband. Did she hate him before he cheated on Ara? I just think thar Cassandra would have similar prejudices at Bellatrix against Muggles. It would make a lot of sense. If that's the case, then I'm guessing that Ara went through a rebellious phase? Hmm, this is interesting...she seems torn from choosing her mother's path and Dumbledore's side (the job at Hogwarts). Interesting! The only complaint I' have with this chapter is that I don't think Aberforth would say this specific thing...”Third, go get yourself pampered, go to the spa get cleaned up...” It just seems so funny to me. Maybe it's just me, but Aberforth doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would suggest going to a spa. Haha, it's fine though. Interesting chapter! =) I hope you did well on your AP Exam! Ooh...SSOC later on? Yay!
Chapter Five: I don't think Bellatrix was that out of character in this chapter. In fact, I think she would want to know about her daughter. It makes sense. So she's going to work at Hogwarts under Professor McGonagall? I'm predicting that if this does turn into a SSOC story, then Snape might influence the choices she will one day have to make. I hope you continue with this! It's very intriguing! =)
Holy crap, I just wrote a novel. Sorry! =)
xx Araikoe
10/11/2009 c5 
7Lady Vyxen
You should separate dialogues from the thoughts and descriptions a little, for example:
Drawing herself into a corner she surveyed her mother through narrow eyes “what d’you want” Bellatrix slowly took a seat back in her original spot, her actions were very exaggerated, and yet graceful at the same time.
I would do it like that:
Drawing herself into a corner she surveyed her mother through narrow eyes.
“What d’you want?” she asked.
Bellatrix slowly took a seat back in her original spot, her actions were very exaggerated, and yet graceful at the same time.
You should also use a line breaks; they are in document manager-edit/preview
Yuo should remember about exclamations and dots at the end of every dialogue line.
The story gains very much if it's easier to read. There is also less confusion as to who is saying particular parts. You don't need to write who said it every tiem, but when it's separated, it's easier to spot it. If the same person continues after a break, you should give a tiny clue to it writing:
"I like your story," she continued, "but you need to spend more time on editing it."
7Lady VyxenYou should separate dialogues from the thoughts and descriptions a little, for example:
Drawing herself into a corner she surveyed her mother through narrow eyes “what d’you want” Bellatrix slowly took a seat back in her original spot, her actions were very exaggerated, and yet graceful at the same time.
I would do it like that:
Drawing herself into a corner she surveyed her mother through narrow eyes.
“What d’you want?” she asked.
Bellatrix slowly took a seat back in her original spot, her actions were very exaggerated, and yet graceful at the same time.
You should also use a line breaks; they are in document manager-edit/preview
Yuo should remember about exclamations and dots at the end of every dialogue line.
The story gains very much if it's easier to read. There is also less confusion as to who is saying particular parts. You don't need to write who said it every tiem, but when it's separated, it's easier to spot it. If the same person continues after a break, you should give a tiny clue to it writing:
"I like your story," she continued, "but you need to spend more time on editing it."
10/11/2009 c4 Lady Vyxen
Whoa! Interesting turn of events! I am positively surprised and now it drawn me to your story. I wonder if Ara will sink in the Death Eater company, it would be the most interesting to see her interactions :)
Whoa! Interesting turn of events! I am positively surprised and now it drawn me to your story. I wonder if Ara will sink in the Death Eater company, it would be the most interesting to see her interactions :)
10/11/2009 c3 Lady Vyxen
Some clearing to Ara character. Maybe you should add more interactions with canon character?
Aberforth Dumbledore is a big positive here; maybe Severus would also know her? Try to use more canon characters. It's clearly visible that you have better style of writing, but sometimes you forget about capital letters or you're givins too long sentences. I can see it, because I have the same problem.
Some clearing to Ara character. Maybe you should add more interactions with canon character?
Aberforth Dumbledore is a big positive here; maybe Severus would also know her? Try to use more canon characters. It's clearly visible that you have better style of writing, but sometimes you forget about capital letters or you're givins too long sentences. I can see it, because I have the same problem.
10/11/2009 c2 Lady Vyxen
The puntuation and paragraphs are better here, but I am totally confused about these two women - mother and Ara. Is her mother a sister to Cassandra? Are Blacks who we doesn't know yet?
I would advise to put some clues as to time and place.
Maybe Ara would remember her time at Hogwarts, so we could identify her with her house and friends?
The puntuation and paragraphs are better here, but I am totally confused about these two women - mother and Ara. Is her mother a sister to Cassandra? Are Blacks who we doesn't know yet?
I would advise to put some clues as to time and place.
Maybe Ara would remember her time at Hogwarts, so we could identify her with her house and friends?
10/11/2009 c1 Lady Vyxen
You probably know that very well, but you didn't use capital letters, the paragraphs are too close to each other and it all makes the reading harder.
You main character seemes to be an experienced woman who is maybe older than Bellatrix. I like her attitude towards people. I wonder why would she be friends with Lestrange not being a death eater herself. Or is she a death eater? :)
You probably know that very well, but you didn't use capital letters, the paragraphs are too close to each other and it all makes the reading harder.
You main character seemes to be an experienced woman who is maybe older than Bellatrix. I like her attitude towards people. I wonder why would she be friends with Lestrange not being a death eater herself. Or is she a death eater? :)
8/21/2009 c5 7Eliza Spootkitten
WOOT! You Updated! :D You write REALLY well. I love this part: "Her words were slow, as if testing the way they tasted." I thought it was really clever. The second have was so cute. XD 3
7Eliza SpootkittenWOOT! You Updated! :D You write REALLY well. I love this part: "Her words were slow, as if testing the way they tasted." I thought it was really clever. The second have was so cute. XD 3
5/10/2009 c3 Whoopsydaisy
I like the story so far. The characters you create are interesting. Looking forward to reading more!
I like the story so far. The characters you create are interesting. Looking forward to reading more!
9/5/2008 c1 molly
write something of the grey griffins!
write something of the grey griffins!
8/19/2008 c3 13Valentina-Lestrange
Loved this chapter - I like how it revealed more about Ara's past :)
Oh - and thank you for the thank you :) I love to leave reviews as I know how much they give you that extra boost ;) (even though I don't get many of them ;) )
Can't wait for the next chapter - I love this story!
13Valentina-LestrangeLoved this chapter - I like how it revealed more about Ara's past :)
Oh - and thank you for the thank you :) I love to leave reviews as I know how much they give you that extra boost ;) (even though I don't get many of them ;) )
Can't wait for the next chapter - I love this story!
8/8/2008 c2 Valentina-Lestrange
I'm really enjoying this story - infact at the moment the only thing I found confusing was when Ara said 'The right time? The right time was a long time ago," but instead of saying Ara it said 'she' - so it took me a long time to figure out who 'she' was XD
Keep it up - i want to read more!
I'm really enjoying this story - infact at the moment the only thing I found confusing was when Ara said 'The right time? The right time was a long time ago," but instead of saying Ara it said 'she' - so it took me a long time to figure out who 'she' was XD
Keep it up - i want to read more!
8/7/2008 c1 Valentina-Lestrange
This looks extremely interesting - but it would be much better if you used capital letters where they where needed :) It's a bit difficult to tell where one sentence ends and another begins.
Apart from that a promising start!
This looks extremely interesting - but it would be much better if you used capital letters where they where needed :) It's a bit difficult to tell where one sentence ends and another begins.
Apart from that a promising start!