for New Beginnings12/17/2008 c2 
16Forest Girl Kaz
Awesome chapter, very well written too. You have a gift for writing YYH stuff Jay, you know the characters so well that it reads like an actual episode of the show.
The dialogue between Yusuke and Kuwabara was great, it showed a lot of humour and portrayed their friendship well. Kuwabara's new attack is really cool! He needed more like that in the anime. The convo with Botan was amusing too, poor Kuwabara as usual XD
I liked how shocked Koenma was to see Yusuke, exactly how he would have acted in the manga/anime! And Yusuke's Botan impression, lol!
I like where the plot seems to be going and the ending seemed fitting for the chapter. Not too cliff-hanger-y but enough to keep people wanting to read on ^^.
Now for the nag side of me to take over... *everyone ducks*
You missed two "thats" but you knew that, make sure to proof as well as grammar check. I know you do though anyway.
And one more piece of advice. You wrote:
Yusuke shook his hand slightly. "What the hell was that?" Yusuke asked, looking down at his now bleeding fist.
You really don't need to write Yusuke twice since people will know you're referring to him.
Anyway, that is all. This new version of the fic is so much better than the last. Can't wait to read more!
16Forest Girl KazAwesome chapter, very well written too. You have a gift for writing YYH stuff Jay, you know the characters so well that it reads like an actual episode of the show.
The dialogue between Yusuke and Kuwabara was great, it showed a lot of humour and portrayed their friendship well. Kuwabara's new attack is really cool! He needed more like that in the anime. The convo with Botan was amusing too, poor Kuwabara as usual XD
I liked how shocked Koenma was to see Yusuke, exactly how he would have acted in the manga/anime! And Yusuke's Botan impression, lol!
I like where the plot seems to be going and the ending seemed fitting for the chapter. Not too cliff-hanger-y but enough to keep people wanting to read on ^^.
Now for the nag side of me to take over... *everyone ducks*
You missed two "thats" but you knew that, make sure to proof as well as grammar check. I know you do though anyway.
And one more piece of advice. You wrote:
Yusuke shook his hand slightly. "What the hell was that?" Yusuke asked, looking down at his now bleeding fist.
You really don't need to write Yusuke twice since people will know you're referring to him.
Anyway, that is all. This new version of the fic is so much better than the last. Can't wait to read more!
11/8/2008 c1 12Ferrion Knight of Oblivion
This seems interesting! I'll keep an eye on it. And before you ask, yes I did watch the series, so now I know what's going on and such.
12Ferrion Knight of OblivionThis seems interesting! I'll keep an eye on it. And before you ask, yes I did watch the series, so now I know what's going on and such.
11/8/2008 c1 16Forest Girl Kaz
Good chapter, it sounds a lot better than the original and will hopefully lead to a great story.
I liked the dream part and am wondering if that girl was just a symbol of something or if she'll be Yume or someone totally new. There were a few typos burt nothing major to edit, let me know if you want me to pick them out for you.
Only thing that could improve it is if you say how long this takes place after the series since Yusuke and Keiko seem to be married but ages would be nice.
Oh and thanks for the dedication ^^.
16Forest Girl KazGood chapter, it sounds a lot better than the original and will hopefully lead to a great story.
I liked the dream part and am wondering if that girl was just a symbol of something or if she'll be Yume or someone totally new. There were a few typos burt nothing major to edit, let me know if you want me to pick them out for you.
Only thing that could improve it is if you say how long this takes place after the series since Yusuke and Keiko seem to be married but ages would be nice.
Oh and thanks for the dedication ^^.