for Family Vengeance1/30 c4 
6OldStoneface
A suggestion. When you are describing what people are feeling, instead of just saying 'Dash understood' show it through his actions or gestures. One of the key things great writers do is they don't TELL the reader things, they SHOW them things. For example you could say instead that 'Dash nodded'. That implies that he understood without actually saying it.
Another example would be 'there was a fiery glow in his eyes that kind of scared Dash a little.' Instead of that, you could say 'there was a fiery glow in his eyes that made Dash take a step back.' The fact that he's taking a step back makes it clear that he's a little afraid maybe without actually 'reading his mind'.
A few more errors in this chapter than the last one, but still less than the first two chapters.
Regarding my previous comment in Chapter 1 about what happened to their parents, by that I mean that the KIDS should be asking questions about what happened. Even if they didn't know WHO, they would want to know WHAT/HOW.
I think you have made a good start with these four chapters, and would like to see where you take the story from here.
6OldStonefaceA suggestion. When you are describing what people are feeling, instead of just saying 'Dash understood' show it through his actions or gestures. One of the key things great writers do is they don't TELL the reader things, they SHOW them things. For example you could say instead that 'Dash nodded'. That implies that he understood without actually saying it.
Another example would be 'there was a fiery glow in his eyes that kind of scared Dash a little.' Instead of that, you could say 'there was a fiery glow in his eyes that made Dash take a step back.' The fact that he's taking a step back makes it clear that he's a little afraid maybe without actually 'reading his mind'.
A few more errors in this chapter than the last one, but still less than the first two chapters.
Regarding my previous comment in Chapter 1 about what happened to their parents, by that I mean that the KIDS should be asking questions about what happened. Even if they didn't know WHO, they would want to know WHAT/HOW.
I think you have made a good start with these four chapters, and would like to see where you take the story from here.
1/30 c3 OldStoneface
This chapter I liked quite a bit. The plot was tighter and more realistic to me. Edna was well in character and you accurately used some of her "trademark phrases". I also like that you did not re-use how her mother had gotten in to see Edna during the movie. Nicely done.
In addition, I saw fewer spelling and grammar problems in this chapter. And I liked that you used italics for thoughts and dashes to show interrupted speech.
One suggestion: when Violet first opens her eyes you should describe what she sees, not just what is happening to her.
This chapter I liked quite a bit. The plot was tighter and more realistic to me. Edna was well in character and you accurately used some of her "trademark phrases". I also like that you did not re-use how her mother had gotten in to see Edna during the movie. Nicely done.
In addition, I saw fewer spelling and grammar problems in this chapter. And I liked that you used italics for thoughts and dashes to show interrupted speech.
One suggestion: when Violet first opens her eyes you should describe what she sees, not just what is happening to her.
1/30 c2 OldStoneface
Again, sorry to say, the amount of grammar and spelling problems make it difficult to "lose myself in the story" which is what you really want your readers to do. It's amazing how a couple of simple misspellings or grammar problems can throw a reader off.
One example:
"Once more, she started into his eyes..."
I suspect that 'started' should be 'stared'.
Also, with my apologies, I felt that the scene with Violet and Tony was a bit too soon. Both would be too buried in mourning/sorrow I think to be thinking about their relationship. One way to fix this would be to put more of a gap in time between the previous chapter and Violet finding the letter. Perhaps a few weeks, for example, which would let the emotions settle a little bit. Just a suggestion.
I'd like to again suggest you get a good Beta reader to help you really shine. :-)
Again, sorry to say, the amount of grammar and spelling problems make it difficult to "lose myself in the story" which is what you really want your readers to do. It's amazing how a couple of simple misspellings or grammar problems can throw a reader off.
One example:
"Once more, she started into his eyes..."
I suspect that 'started' should be 'stared'.
Also, with my apologies, I felt that the scene with Violet and Tony was a bit too soon. Both would be too buried in mourning/sorrow I think to be thinking about their relationship. One way to fix this would be to put more of a gap in time between the previous chapter and Violet finding the letter. Perhaps a few weeks, for example, which would let the emotions settle a little bit. Just a suggestion.
I'd like to again suggest you get a good Beta reader to help you really shine. :-)
1/30 c1 OldStoneface
Overall a good storyline so far. You combine dialogue, description, and action well without overloading on any one of the three. I can tell you are in the early stages of writing here, but that just means you need time and practice to perfect your technique.
As others have pointed out, there are quite a few typos and grammar errors, which could be fixed with the help of a good beta reader. If you don't have one, I'd be happy to help you find one. This would go a long way toward building your writing skills, as a good Beta doesn't just correct, they teach too.
Also, unless the cause is a surprise, it would help to elaborate on what happened to the parents. Though I suspect that may be part of the later plot.
Overall a good storyline so far. You combine dialogue, description, and action well without overloading on any one of the three. I can tell you are in the early stages of writing here, but that just means you need time and practice to perfect your technique.
As others have pointed out, there are quite a few typos and grammar errors, which could be fixed with the help of a good beta reader. If you don't have one, I'd be happy to help you find one. This would go a long way toward building your writing skills, as a good Beta doesn't just correct, they teach too.
Also, unless the cause is a surprise, it would help to elaborate on what happened to the parents. Though I suspect that may be part of the later plot.
7/10/2012 c2 8Rainhealsme
Great chapter. But, I noticed one little type-o here; (Yawing,) Violet picked her head up from the desk. - I’m sure you meant ‘yawning’ of course. Also, you’ve got things a little backwards grammar-wise.
Here’s what I mean; "Where are you going?" he looked up at her, confusion on his face. - The ‘h’ in he should be capitalized.
"I have to run a couple of errands. I'll be back later." She told him, twiddling her fingers. - And here, the ‘s’ in she should be lowercase.
It’s nothing too major if you ask me. Just be sure to proofread your work. But anyway, I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter when I get a chance. :) - xXKiraUzumakiXx
8RainhealsmeGreat chapter. But, I noticed one little type-o here; (Yawing,) Violet picked her head up from the desk. - I’m sure you meant ‘yawning’ of course. Also, you’ve got things a little backwards grammar-wise.
Here’s what I mean; "Where are you going?" he looked up at her, confusion on his face. - The ‘h’ in he should be capitalized.
"I have to run a couple of errands. I'll be back later." She told him, twiddling her fingers. - And here, the ‘s’ in she should be lowercase.
It’s nothing too major if you ask me. Just be sure to proofread your work. But anyway, I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter when I get a chance. :) - xXKiraUzumakiXx
7/9/2012 c1 131truthsetfree
Very intriguing. It's interesting to read your adult versions of the characters. You've written some very strong scenes here- it's easy to read it and see the movie play out in my mind.
Nitpicking:
"All the emotions were cast into the atmosphere"
Unclear. Which/whose emotions were cast into the atmosphere? How can emotions be cast into the atmosphere at all?
"Violet could feel the sadness from her brothers, Dash and Jack-Jack."
I don’t remember Violet ever exhibiting Empathy. Invisibility and force field production and even levitation, sure, but not Empathy.
“She took out the ingredients for her famous Chick Alfredo.”
Should be: “She took out the ingredients for her famous Chicken Alfredo.”
“TOP SECRET!Maybe this has something to do with the last mission mom and dad went on, she thought suddenly, then opened the envelope.”
Needs a space: “TOP SECRET! Maybe this has something to do with the last mission mom and dad went on, she thought suddenly, then opened the envelope.”
“She skimmed through the papers, looking for anything that might hint off where Helen and Bob had gone.”
Should be: “She skimmed through the papers, looking for anything that might hint at where Helen and Bob had gone.”
"Hello, Elastigirland Mr. Incredible, we, from the FHA [[Future Heroes of America]] send you on a mission to rescue Z-Girland Warp. Their location is said to be Valdosta, Abrogator. We ..."
By then, Violet had begun thinking. If they were just trying to rescue some hero, then why was it top secret?" She wondered. She didn't say anymore. She had planned to visit this Valdosta, Abrogator, where ever that might be, and find out some answers.
If that were mine, I’d change it to:
"Hello, Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible. We, from the FHA [[Future Heroes of America]] wish to send you on a mission to rescue Z-Girland Warp. Their location is said to be Valdosta, Abrogator. We ..."
By then, Violet had begun thinking. If they were just trying to rescue some hero, then why was it top secret?" she wondered. She certainly planned to visit this Valdosta, Abrogator, wherever that might be, and find some answers.
131truthsetfreeVery intriguing. It's interesting to read your adult versions of the characters. You've written some very strong scenes here- it's easy to read it and see the movie play out in my mind.
Nitpicking:
"All the emotions were cast into the atmosphere"
Unclear. Which/whose emotions were cast into the atmosphere? How can emotions be cast into the atmosphere at all?
"Violet could feel the sadness from her brothers, Dash and Jack-Jack."
I don’t remember Violet ever exhibiting Empathy. Invisibility and force field production and even levitation, sure, but not Empathy.
“She took out the ingredients for her famous Chick Alfredo.”
Should be: “She took out the ingredients for her famous Chicken Alfredo.”
“TOP SECRET!Maybe this has something to do with the last mission mom and dad went on, she thought suddenly, then opened the envelope.”
Needs a space: “TOP SECRET! Maybe this has something to do with the last mission mom and dad went on, she thought suddenly, then opened the envelope.”
“She skimmed through the papers, looking for anything that might hint off where Helen and Bob had gone.”
Should be: “She skimmed through the papers, looking for anything that might hint at where Helen and Bob had gone.”
"Hello, Elastigirland Mr. Incredible, we, from the FHA [[Future Heroes of America]] send you on a mission to rescue Z-Girland Warp. Their location is said to be Valdosta, Abrogator. We ..."
By then, Violet had begun thinking. If they were just trying to rescue some hero, then why was it top secret?" She wondered. She didn't say anymore. She had planned to visit this Valdosta, Abrogator, where ever that might be, and find out some answers.
If that were mine, I’d change it to:
"Hello, Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible. We, from the FHA [[Future Heroes of America]] wish to send you on a mission to rescue Z-Girland Warp. Their location is said to be Valdosta, Abrogator. We ..."
By then, Violet had begun thinking. If they were just trying to rescue some hero, then why was it top secret?" she wondered. She certainly planned to visit this Valdosta, Abrogator, wherever that might be, and find some answers.
7/1/2012 c4 68MessengerOfDreams
So this is a pretty good story; in particular I loved how you captured grief here. In many ways your writing is dead on accurate about the subject; the dream scene in particular I thought was very clever. Violet and Dash are in character, and while Jack-Jack was startlingly older than his age, you subtly stated that he's very smart through such things as Mozart. Dialogue was good, but could use a little more spice. Also, I loved Edna's cameo.
As for negatives, a couple. The story's pacing is kind of erratic; things happen in a jarring order and scenes never feel full enough, more like snapshots. Was that intention? If so, you'll have to pardon me for not liking it. Also, I think the Tony subplot was kind of clumsy and unnecessary, and sort of fell to cliche. I did, however, think the main plot is interesting and I look forward to more.
This is a pretty good work and I'm curious to see what you do with it.
68MessengerOfDreamsSo this is a pretty good story; in particular I loved how you captured grief here. In many ways your writing is dead on accurate about the subject; the dream scene in particular I thought was very clever. Violet and Dash are in character, and while Jack-Jack was startlingly older than his age, you subtly stated that he's very smart through such things as Mozart. Dialogue was good, but could use a little more spice. Also, I loved Edna's cameo.
As for negatives, a couple. The story's pacing is kind of erratic; things happen in a jarring order and scenes never feel full enough, more like snapshots. Was that intention? If so, you'll have to pardon me for not liking it. Also, I think the Tony subplot was kind of clumsy and unnecessary, and sort of fell to cliche. I did, however, think the main plot is interesting and I look forward to more.
This is a pretty good work and I'm curious to see what you do with it.
6/30/2012 c1 8Rainhealsme
Wow, this was very interesting first chapter. After reading the entire chapter, which I enjoyed, I could easily tell that everyone was in perfect character. It’s a shame that the kids’ parents are dead, but with such great detail, I could help but enjoy this chapter. Even if the characters are super heros, you’ve managed to turn them into characters that real people can relate to. Also, it’s good that you’ve decided to skip into the (tragic) future where Jack-Jack is able to talk, and I love the ending. It gotten me to where I want to read more.
I guess one and only complain would be the separation and style of this chapter’s prologue. Italic is fine, but typing ‘prologue’ above it is unneeded. From the italic style, I’m sure the readers know that it is a flashback.
Cheers! xXKiraUzumakiXx
8RainhealsmeWow, this was very interesting first chapter. After reading the entire chapter, which I enjoyed, I could easily tell that everyone was in perfect character. It’s a shame that the kids’ parents are dead, but with such great detail, I could help but enjoy this chapter. Even if the characters are super heros, you’ve managed to turn them into characters that real people can relate to. Also, it’s good that you’ve decided to skip into the (tragic) future where Jack-Jack is able to talk, and I love the ending. It gotten me to where I want to read more.
I guess one and only complain would be the separation and style of this chapter’s prologue. Italic is fine, but typing ‘prologue’ above it is unneeded. From the italic style, I’m sure the readers know that it is a flashback.
Cheers! xXKiraUzumakiXx
6/29/2012 c4 2BitchAmI
who doesn't love Edna, and she is so right a new suit is just what Violet needs.
2BitchAmIwho doesn't love Edna, and she is so right a new suit is just what Violet needs.
6/29/2012 c1 BitchAmI
interesting story, I like the way you potray the kids reaction to their parents death its very realistic and I especially like how you write Violet
interesting story, I like the way you potray the kids reaction to their parents death its very realistic and I especially like how you write Violet
8/21/2011 c3 joshua
i know this was just over two years that this family member died and im sorry i just had my grandma die last week. but i was wondering if you have gotten n a "happy" place yet to continue writing this story
i know this was just over two years that this family member died and im sorry i just had my grandma die last week. but i was wondering if you have gotten n a "happy" place yet to continue writing this story
2/19/2011 c1 8CharmedSerenity
Yes, it still stands, though the board's kinda dying. I also made a X-men: Evo RPG!
8CharmedSerenityYes, it still stands, though the board's kinda dying. I also made a X-men: Evo RPG!
5/31/2009 c2 7The Star Swordsman
The wait was long but definetely worth it. I'm glad to finally see a update. Really nice to see Tony back. You gave a very nice relationship between him and Violet.
I can't wait to read the next chapter. Update very soon please.
7The Star SwordsmanThe wait was long but definetely worth it. I'm glad to finally see a update. Really nice to see Tony back. You gave a very nice relationship between him and Violet.
I can't wait to read the next chapter. Update very soon please.