for Lornarion I: Lithuin Tindu3/17/2010 c4 lorien13
"He would've gagged, but he didn't dare"
you can't really control gagging. I know I most CERTAINLY can't. So I just make sure to keep my mouth closed.
that's the only bad comment I have to make.
And again, yes, you pulled the break off perfectly.
Though I think it's amusing how Anar decides to call him Master Longshanks instead of Strider. I like Strider better.
:)
"He would've gagged, but he didn't dare"
you can't really control gagging. I know I most CERTAINLY can't. So I just make sure to keep my mouth closed.
that's the only bad comment I have to make.
And again, yes, you pulled the break off perfectly.
Though I think it's amusing how Anar decides to call him Master Longshanks instead of Strider. I like Strider better.
:)
3/17/2010 c3 lorien13
"And now he'd bitten on her sister."
And no he'd bitten her sister.
"He drew comfort from them, even as they broke him upon the spikes of his memory."
VERY cool! Love this line!
LOL!
I love the little argument with Cirice and Carvilion! Awesome!
"Maybe Erynmir finally did us all a favor and drowned herself in the spring,"
I take it they dont' like her, eh?
:)
"Younger, brasher, inexperienced, the young man known as Ranlang, fury rising scarlet in his cheeks, rushed his older brother with sword upraised, intent on his angry attack."
this is a very confusing sentence, and is hard to follow. I would break it up into 2 sentences.
"All right, I swear on Father's grave."
"Father's not dead," Ranlang reminded him.
"Well, a man can dream, can't he?"
that's AWESOME!
LMBO!
Great ending to this chapter.
And you split the sadness and humor up perfectly. The dark parts are rather small, which is perfect.
And I love the earring thing. VERY original.
this is a 4.5/5 or a 5/5
very VERY well done!
3
"And now he'd bitten on her sister."
And no he'd bitten her sister.
"He drew comfort from them, even as they broke him upon the spikes of his memory."
VERY cool! Love this line!
LOL!
I love the little argument with Cirice and Carvilion! Awesome!
"Maybe Erynmir finally did us all a favor and drowned herself in the spring,"
I take it they dont' like her, eh?
:)
"Younger, brasher, inexperienced, the young man known as Ranlang, fury rising scarlet in his cheeks, rushed his older brother with sword upraised, intent on his angry attack."
this is a very confusing sentence, and is hard to follow. I would break it up into 2 sentences.
"All right, I swear on Father's grave."
"Father's not dead," Ranlang reminded him.
"Well, a man can dream, can't he?"
that's AWESOME!
LMBO!
Great ending to this chapter.
And you split the sadness and humor up perfectly. The dark parts are rather small, which is perfect.
And I love the earring thing. VERY original.
this is a 4.5/5 or a 5/5
very VERY well done!
3
3/17/2010 c1 lorien13
this should be the marysue test:
is your character in anyway similar to a big novel or book?
and is it interesting?
*rolls eyes* Fact of the matter, marysues sell, since people don't want to read about people, they want to read about extroidanary people doing extroidanary things in an extroidanary world setting.
This test is annoying.
this should be the marysue test:
is your character in anyway similar to a big novel or book?
and is it interesting?
*rolls eyes* Fact of the matter, marysues sell, since people don't want to read about people, they want to read about extroidanary people doing extroidanary things in an extroidanary world setting.
This test is annoying.
5/14/2009 c1 lorien13
"and his hears picked up"
his what?
"and his ears picked up"
"theirs the lyrics that burned within the inside of his skull."
what i would do, to set the tone a bit better would be to add a comma after "theirs."
"I can honestly I would "
"I can honestly say I would"
Hah! Love Anar's reply to Aragorn's decision.
And I like that custom. Very awesome.
3
"and his hears picked up"
his what?
"and his ears picked up"
"theirs the lyrics that burned within the inside of his skull."
what i would do, to set the tone a bit better would be to add a comma after "theirs."
"I can honestly I would "
"I can honestly say I would"
Hah! Love Anar's reply to Aragorn's decision.
And I like that custom. Very awesome.
3