for Avatar: The Fall of the Fire Empire10/15/2012 c58 Bei Fong Prodigy
All the reviews are about Azula going down, but quite frankly, what I have to say, is the legend of Toph, LIVES ON! *battle cry*
All the reviews are about Azula going down, but quite frankly, what I have to say, is the legend of Toph, LIVES ON! *battle cry*
10/5/2012 c4 
7William X
I just have a question about this chapter. Why wouldn't the fire nation use firebending to power the trains, without using coal. Just wondering.
7William XI just have a question about this chapter. Why wouldn't the fire nation use firebending to power the trains, without using coal. Just wondering.
7/15/2012 c60 5Lady Courage
Well done! As a rule, I don't have anything against OC's, but it's very seldom I find fics the OC's of which can hold their own against the canon characters. But you have crafted an entire story with them and done it well.
Thank you for this! I very much enjoyed it. :)
5Lady CourageWell done! As a rule, I don't have anything against OC's, but it's very seldom I find fics the OC's of which can hold their own against the canon characters. But you have crafted an entire story with them and done it well.
Thank you for this! I very much enjoyed it. :)
3/5/2012 c60 1julianmarq
Your story is pretty good.
The only things that I didn't quite like were:
First of all, Jiazin's change of heart was just too sudden, she basically went from completely loyal to the empire to a rebel in the span of two chapters. I'd liked if you had had her doing a little of soul-searching.
The other overall problem of the story is that you developed the female characters much more than the male ones. And while Tong had strikes of brilliance, they were just that, little moments, not a real story. And Kanoda was pretty much something moved by the circumstances, he really didn't accomplish anything for himself.
I frankly hoped that you'll make it as he was supposed to be a waterbender all along and, when the moon and ocean spirits were restored, he'd awaken his powers. That would have made him a real asset for the team.
BTW, and somehow surprising even for me, my favorite character in your story was Xia. Other than a few situations with him, overall he was the character who engaged me the most. You gave him enough background and enough development to understand his personality and change of sides, even more so than Jiazin, if I'm completely honest.
Overall I liked your story and it's still one of the best I've read in the avatar fandom. Moving along to the sequel.
1julianmarqYour story is pretty good.
The only things that I didn't quite like were:
First of all, Jiazin's change of heart was just too sudden, she basically went from completely loyal to the empire to a rebel in the span of two chapters. I'd liked if you had had her doing a little of soul-searching.
The other overall problem of the story is that you developed the female characters much more than the male ones. And while Tong had strikes of brilliance, they were just that, little moments, not a real story. And Kanoda was pretty much something moved by the circumstances, he really didn't accomplish anything for himself.
I frankly hoped that you'll make it as he was supposed to be a waterbender all along and, when the moon and ocean spirits were restored, he'd awaken his powers. That would have made him a real asset for the team.
BTW, and somehow surprising even for me, my favorite character in your story was Xia. Other than a few situations with him, overall he was the character who engaged me the most. You gave him enough background and enough development to understand his personality and change of sides, even more so than Jiazin, if I'm completely honest.
Overall I liked your story and it's still one of the best I've read in the avatar fandom. Moving along to the sequel.
2/12/2012 c60 19Lunatique
Ah, the finale. (I was a bit engrossed in the reading to review these past 30 chapters, and I had pretty much said everything in the previous reviews anyway.) That was a thoroughly enjoyable story! I enjoyed the big and thrilling plot and the great changes in the characters and relationships, not to mention the world. With a strong sense of morality and a realistic sense of how the world and its people work, you've told a story about a world gone to hell and rehabilitated on the brink of destruction. The cast of characters was dynamic and often relatable, and your villains were scary and worthy of hatred. The plot, a particular strength of yours, was clear and very well-paced. The climax where Azula was evidently slain by the forces of irony seemed very appropriate, somehow, and I like that it was the original cast who resolved the main action rather than the Avatar ex machina. The ending and epilogue were hopeful and upbeat yet reflected the complexity of the world, which I liked.
The writing was very good overall - the action scenes were thrilling and improved over the course of the story, with Yue's last stand against the Fire Navy particularly standing out in both the quality of the action and the emotions involved. The characters and situations were well set-up and developed, though there was some Making the Point dialogue that felt a bit overt. The adverb-itis of the earlier chapters gave way to a much more vivid style of writing and description. All in all, it's amazing how much you learned and grew in addition to being very good to start with.
So very good job, and thanks for a fun reading experience!
19LunatiqueAh, the finale. (I was a bit engrossed in the reading to review these past 30 chapters, and I had pretty much said everything in the previous reviews anyway.) That was a thoroughly enjoyable story! I enjoyed the big and thrilling plot and the great changes in the characters and relationships, not to mention the world. With a strong sense of morality and a realistic sense of how the world and its people work, you've told a story about a world gone to hell and rehabilitated on the brink of destruction. The cast of characters was dynamic and often relatable, and your villains were scary and worthy of hatred. The plot, a particular strength of yours, was clear and very well-paced. The climax where Azula was evidently slain by the forces of irony seemed very appropriate, somehow, and I like that it was the original cast who resolved the main action rather than the Avatar ex machina. The ending and epilogue were hopeful and upbeat yet reflected the complexity of the world, which I liked.
The writing was very good overall - the action scenes were thrilling and improved over the course of the story, with Yue's last stand against the Fire Navy particularly standing out in both the quality of the action and the emotions involved. The characters and situations were well set-up and developed, though there was some Making the Point dialogue that felt a bit overt. The adverb-itis of the earlier chapters gave way to a much more vivid style of writing and description. All in all, it's amazing how much you learned and grew in addition to being very good to start with.
So very good job, and thanks for a fun reading experience!
2/5/2012 c30 Lunatique
A couple of excellent battle scenes that do justice to the buildup that went into them! I thoroughly enjoyed the interplay of events, actions, and motivations drove the underground fighting scene. Similarly, the shipboard fighting was exciting and fast-paced. Great stuff.
A couple of excellent battle scenes that do justice to the buildup that went into them! I thoroughly enjoyed the interplay of events, actions, and motivations drove the underground fighting scene. Similarly, the shipboard fighting was exciting and fast-paced. Great stuff.
2/3/2012 c28 Lunatique
Nice, tense setup on several fronts. Jiazin's and Gian's different agendas have met in a clash, while Shiyan and Yuan are no doubt building up to one themselves. It seems a sign of decline indeed that the highest echelons of the Empire now have no higher goal to live up to, except backstabbing each other for individual glory.
I liked the tense conversation between Shu and Jiazin, two very smart people who are under no illusions about each other but are still nimble enough and open-minded enough to search for points of common interest. I like Shu better and better as I read, lines like siccing his overeager daughter on Jiazin were very entertaining. And it's also very realistic how Jiazin is starting to realize the gaps in her thinking when she first entered the rebel lair. Maybe it was her subconscious desire, after all, to bring an end to the Fire Empire.
It seems a bit convenient that Gian was able to take the rebels by surprise, when they should have been watching the entrance after Jiazin's entry, if not before. Maybe they got a bit complacent?
Great read as always, and I'll be coming back for more.
Nice, tense setup on several fronts. Jiazin's and Gian's different agendas have met in a clash, while Shiyan and Yuan are no doubt building up to one themselves. It seems a sign of decline indeed that the highest echelons of the Empire now have no higher goal to live up to, except backstabbing each other for individual glory.
I liked the tense conversation between Shu and Jiazin, two very smart people who are under no illusions about each other but are still nimble enough and open-minded enough to search for points of common interest. I like Shu better and better as I read, lines like siccing his overeager daughter on Jiazin were very entertaining. And it's also very realistic how Jiazin is starting to realize the gaps in her thinking when she first entered the rebel lair. Maybe it was her subconscious desire, after all, to bring an end to the Fire Empire.
It seems a bit convenient that Gian was able to take the rebels by surprise, when they should have been watching the entrance after Jiazin's entry, if not before. Maybe they got a bit complacent?
Great read as always, and I'll be coming back for more.
1/28/2012 c25 Lunatique
Jiazin's strong will and principle continue to surprise, and I like how her father has no argument when she confronts him with the glaring contradiction between his stated principle of honor and the reality he is complicit in.
Shiyan's battle scene was amazing, even beautiful in its deadly efficiency. The bandits should have rushed her all at once, but I guess they're not that well trained and they had other enemies. Shiyan's feeling of fulfillment in killing other human beings was chilling, but in character and shows the power of fanaticism over even a sharp mind. Like Captain Jiang, my respect- and fear- of the Chosen went up a notch. The contrasts between Shiyan and Jiazin are fascinating, I wonder how it will come to a head.
Jiazin's strong will and principle continue to surprise, and I like how her father has no argument when she confronts him with the glaring contradiction between his stated principle of honor and the reality he is complicit in.
Shiyan's battle scene was amazing, even beautiful in its deadly efficiency. The bandits should have rushed her all at once, but I guess they're not that well trained and they had other enemies. Shiyan's feeling of fulfillment in killing other human beings was chilling, but in character and shows the power of fanaticism over even a sharp mind. Like Captain Jiang, my respect- and fear- of the Chosen went up a notch. The contrasts between Shiyan and Jiazin are fascinating, I wonder how it will come to a head.
1/28/2012 c23 Lunatique
Jiazin continues to be a good choice as Azula's heir - the scene with the ship captain was so reminiscent of Azula's youth, though they are also clearly different people. I really like High General Xia and his principles, especially because a principled opponent can be the most dangerous. Jiazin's strong moral center was a pleasant surprise; perhaps my (and Azula's) prediction that she will return to the capital will be wrong after all.
The action scene with Yue and the bandits was solid and did a good job of highlighting Yue's otherness, though it was more methodical than exciting. As I have said, your writing tends to be more abstract than immediate. Maybe shorter paragraphs and more sensory descriptions (sound, touch etc.) would help.
Yue's decision to heal the bandit leader was predictable but in character, though I could have done without the great long philosophical debate before she went into action. When I sounded out Yue and Kanoda's lines they went on for over a minute while this man was sort of dying and they were surrounded by enemies, any of who might decide to take revenge. Shorter lines and more decisive action would have definitely enhanced both pacing and believability in that scene.
Finally, the scene with Kanoda's doubts about himself was endearing in its vulnerability, and reminiscent of a certain other Water Tribe warrior. Kanoda is certainly not the more obviously heroic type like Tong or even Jiazin, but I have faith that he'll play a crucial role.
Jiazin continues to be a good choice as Azula's heir - the scene with the ship captain was so reminiscent of Azula's youth, though they are also clearly different people. I really like High General Xia and his principles, especially because a principled opponent can be the most dangerous. Jiazin's strong moral center was a pleasant surprise; perhaps my (and Azula's) prediction that she will return to the capital will be wrong after all.
The action scene with Yue and the bandits was solid and did a good job of highlighting Yue's otherness, though it was more methodical than exciting. As I have said, your writing tends to be more abstract than immediate. Maybe shorter paragraphs and more sensory descriptions (sound, touch etc.) would help.
Yue's decision to heal the bandit leader was predictable but in character, though I could have done without the great long philosophical debate before she went into action. When I sounded out Yue and Kanoda's lines they went on for over a minute while this man was sort of dying and they were surrounded by enemies, any of who might decide to take revenge. Shorter lines and more decisive action would have definitely enhanced both pacing and believability in that scene.
Finally, the scene with Kanoda's doubts about himself was endearing in its vulnerability, and reminiscent of a certain other Water Tribe warrior. Kanoda is certainly not the more obviously heroic type like Tong or even Jiazin, but I have faith that he'll play a crucial role.
1/25/2012 c20 Lunatique
Some very competent characters here, adding to the depth and menace of the story. Gian is impressive in his professionalism, and Azula is the consummate manipulator as ever - now with a hundred more years of experience. The victory of such badass bad guys seems inevitable, which is what makes the whole thing all the more suspenseful.
Jiazin's rude awakening was both unexpected in the way it happened and pleasing. Now the question remains, whether she will be act within Azula's expectations or surprise her. I predict she will be the compliant successor for a while, but ultimately come around - and that her ability to mimic Azula will play a role in the ultimate conclusion.
To add more complexity, I hope her motivations won't line up exactly with Tong and Kanoda and the other downtrodden, but both intersect with and diverge from their viewpoints. There is something to be said for universal order, but I think a smart girl like Jiazin will come to see that there is neither peace nor order in such brutal oppression. Here's to hoping the different peoples can work something out without falling into anarchy.
Some very competent characters here, adding to the depth and menace of the story. Gian is impressive in his professionalism, and Azula is the consummate manipulator as ever - now with a hundred more years of experience. The victory of such badass bad guys seems inevitable, which is what makes the whole thing all the more suspenseful.
Jiazin's rude awakening was both unexpected in the way it happened and pleasing. Now the question remains, whether she will be act within Azula's expectations or surprise her. I predict she will be the compliant successor for a while, but ultimately come around - and that her ability to mimic Azula will play a role in the ultimate conclusion.
To add more complexity, I hope her motivations won't line up exactly with Tong and Kanoda and the other downtrodden, but both intersect with and diverge from their viewpoints. There is something to be said for universal order, but I think a smart girl like Jiazin will come to see that there is neither peace nor order in such brutal oppression. Here's to hoping the different peoples can work something out without falling into anarchy.
1/25/2012 c17 Lunatique
I'm really liking this alternate history of Yue, although it seems a terrible and lonely existence as well as a noble one. Noble tragedy seems a constant in her story even in AUs.
I also like how everyone has a different agenda, thus building up the momentum for movement in complex and unexpected directions.
I'm really liking this alternate history of Yue, although it seems a terrible and lonely existence as well as a noble one. Noble tragedy seems a constant in her story even in AUs.
I also like how everyone has a different agenda, thus building up the momentum for movement in complex and unexpected directions.
1/24/2012 c16 Lunatique
Wow, the writing has improved so much since the break! The adverbs use is moderate, with actual sensory descriptions to create images in the reader's mind. The dialogue became so dynamic, too, making it a pleasure to read. Also, I like the names like Scourge of the North and tremorsense.
Couple of plot points I didn't quite get so far:
When Kanoda said the Avatar was born to the Water Tribe, why wouldn't the Fire Nation send a detachment to wipe out what's left of them? It's not like the Tribe is capable of resisting anymore. I can understand the Fire Nation being cautious, but the amount of energy it would take them to wipe out a few defeated villages seems so small that I don't know why they don't do it in addition to pursuing Kanoda.
Also, why wouldn't any of the Chosen be benders? Since every noble family with a daughter to spare must supply one, I would have thought there would be a sizable number of firebenders among them. Jiazin herself reflects that she could have been a Chosen if she had a sibling.
Wow, the writing has improved so much since the break! The adverbs use is moderate, with actual sensory descriptions to create images in the reader's mind. The dialogue became so dynamic, too, making it a pleasure to read. Also, I like the names like Scourge of the North and tremorsense.
Couple of plot points I didn't quite get so far:
When Kanoda said the Avatar was born to the Water Tribe, why wouldn't the Fire Nation send a detachment to wipe out what's left of them? It's not like the Tribe is capable of resisting anymore. I can understand the Fire Nation being cautious, but the amount of energy it would take them to wipe out a few defeated villages seems so small that I don't know why they don't do it in addition to pursuing Kanoda.
Also, why wouldn't any of the Chosen be benders? Since every noble family with a daughter to spare must supply one, I would have thought there would be a sizable number of firebenders among them. Jiazin herself reflects that she could have been a Chosen if she had a sibling.
1/23/2012 c10 Lunatique
Well, the plot is moving in quite interesting directions! Kanoda's escape was entertaining in the way he turned around a hopeless situation with his wits alone. Tong continues to show resilience and courage, not to mention luck, and Jiazin's entanglement in palace politics conveyed a real sense of menace.
Adverb repetition is noticeable in a couple of cases. The word "thickly" was used repetitively during two of Tong's successive scenes, and "crossly" was used in close proximity in his rescue scene.
I'm enjoying the story, and will comment more as I read.
Well, the plot is moving in quite interesting directions! Kanoda's escape was entertaining in the way he turned around a hopeless situation with his wits alone. Tong continues to show resilience and courage, not to mention luck, and Jiazin's entanglement in palace politics conveyed a real sense of menace.
Adverb repetition is noticeable in a couple of cases. The word "thickly" was used repetitively during two of Tong's successive scenes, and "crossly" was used in close proximity in his rescue scene.
I'm enjoying the story, and will comment more as I read.
1/18/2012 c6 Lunatique
I'm loving the world you created here. It is just like Azula to twist the idea of the Kiyoshi Warriors to create a fanatical cult around herself, That so many noble families must contribute a daughter seems an excellent way to keep them loyal, too, and the details of their trappings and training are fascinating. (Though I didn't care for the way the exposition was handled in one block of dialogue. It might have been more nuanced for Kanoda to have heard *some* rumors of the Chosen, and Shiyan to contribute a little information to make them seem more formidable/correct misinformation, of which there must be many. It would also have fed into Kanoda's desire for information in order to escape.)
It's interesting that so far the really noticeable Fire Nation characters (Jiazin, Shiyan) are young girls similar to Azula in her youth, while the representatives of the downtrodden peoples (Kanoda, Tong) are male. It's an interesting dynamic, especially with the boys noticing the girls' attractiveness. I do wonder if Shiyan and Jiazin won't overlap somewhat, but I'll put off judgment until I see them actually together in the story. They do seem to contrast nicely because Jiazin is the more reasonable of the two.
Tong's development is both thrilling and disturbing. It's fascinating to see the combination of building resentment and sudden anger drive him to murder, and shows the destructiveness of the oppressive relationship for both oppressor and oppressed. I find him the most interesting character so far because of what he has suffered from the Fire Empire. Good couple of chapters, the story is really shaping up with vivid and relatable characters and good pacing.
I'm loving the world you created here. It is just like Azula to twist the idea of the Kiyoshi Warriors to create a fanatical cult around herself, That so many noble families must contribute a daughter seems an excellent way to keep them loyal, too, and the details of their trappings and training are fascinating. (Though I didn't care for the way the exposition was handled in one block of dialogue. It might have been more nuanced for Kanoda to have heard *some* rumors of the Chosen, and Shiyan to contribute a little information to make them seem more formidable/correct misinformation, of which there must be many. It would also have fed into Kanoda's desire for information in order to escape.)
It's interesting that so far the really noticeable Fire Nation characters (Jiazin, Shiyan) are young girls similar to Azula in her youth, while the representatives of the downtrodden peoples (Kanoda, Tong) are male. It's an interesting dynamic, especially with the boys noticing the girls' attractiveness. I do wonder if Shiyan and Jiazin won't overlap somewhat, but I'll put off judgment until I see them actually together in the story. They do seem to contrast nicely because Jiazin is the more reasonable of the two.
Tong's development is both thrilling and disturbing. It's fascinating to see the combination of building resentment and sudden anger drive him to murder, and shows the destructiveness of the oppressive relationship for both oppressor and oppressed. I find him the most interesting character so far because of what he has suffered from the Fire Empire. Good couple of chapters, the story is really shaping up with vivid and relatable characters and good pacing.
1/18/2012 c4 Lunatique
Good to see the crapsack parts of this world. The decimation of the Water Tribes, the enslavement of the earthbenders... all horrible. Yet seeing how much brutality it takes to keep so much resentment from boiling over, and how untenable this state of affairs is, it's not difficult to imagine that this seemingly invincible empire is under threat. I find myself looking forward to Jiazin's rude awakening about the nature of her world, and also to hearing an empire noble's side of the story.
My main issue with the writing so far is adverbitis, where adverbs are used instead of real descriptions. There's the part where Jiazin's father put his hands on her shoulders excitedly, when the passage is from Jiazin's point of view so presumably she feels some sensation from it. So things like the firmness of the grip or the steadiness (or lack thereof) are probably better ways to convey the emotion than an adverb. "Excitedly" is also used again only two paragraphs down, which is repetitive for a fairly distinctive word. Overall, the descriptions feel abstract to me, conveying ideas directly rather than through sensations and experience. The other extreme of trying to describe everything is problematic, too, but since you're closer to the opposite extreme of being too abstract you might want to think about adding more sensation and description.
So it's getting off to an exciting start. Will be reading more later.
Good to see the crapsack parts of this world. The decimation of the Water Tribes, the enslavement of the earthbenders... all horrible. Yet seeing how much brutality it takes to keep so much resentment from boiling over, and how untenable this state of affairs is, it's not difficult to imagine that this seemingly invincible empire is under threat. I find myself looking forward to Jiazin's rude awakening about the nature of her world, and also to hearing an empire noble's side of the story.
My main issue with the writing so far is adverbitis, where adverbs are used instead of real descriptions. There's the part where Jiazin's father put his hands on her shoulders excitedly, when the passage is from Jiazin's point of view so presumably she feels some sensation from it. So things like the firmness of the grip or the steadiness (or lack thereof) are probably better ways to convey the emotion than an adverb. "Excitedly" is also used again only two paragraphs down, which is repetitive for a fairly distinctive word. Overall, the descriptions feel abstract to me, conveying ideas directly rather than through sensations and experience. The other extreme of trying to describe everything is problematic, too, but since you're closer to the opposite extreme of being too abstract you might want to think about adding more sensation and description.
So it's getting off to an exciting start. Will be reading more later.