for Night Out6/11/2009 c2 
3VigaHrolf
One thing I appreciate is a good running battle scene, cutting from moment to moment in ways that show not just the characters but the logical way they deploy their skills, especially in a less than optimal environment.
You did this with style and panache. And a lovely double dollop of snark. Bravo.
A couple of high points I liked was the Kelsey/Imoen/hobgoblin bit, complete with the not begging. The beer money was excellently pulled off. The comment about Kylia was a perfect bit of Immy/sibling banter.
And the stinger line was great. Just great.
One question I do have is the usage of building timbers. Did something collapse or did she do some structural damage to do... damage? And why did Maera leave the hobgoblin/orc weaponry unused? A fighter would trade up as soon as they could, wouldn't they?
Just a few little niggling points in a great piece.
3VigaHrolfOne thing I appreciate is a good running battle scene, cutting from moment to moment in ways that show not just the characters but the logical way they deploy their skills, especially in a less than optimal environment.
You did this with style and panache. And a lovely double dollop of snark. Bravo.
A couple of high points I liked was the Kelsey/Imoen/hobgoblin bit, complete with the not begging. The beer money was excellently pulled off. The comment about Kylia was a perfect bit of Immy/sibling banter.
And the stinger line was great. Just great.
One question I do have is the usage of building timbers. Did something collapse or did she do some structural damage to do... damage? And why did Maera leave the hobgoblin/orc weaponry unused? A fighter would trade up as soon as they could, wouldn't they?
Just a few little niggling points in a great piece.
6/11/2009 c2 11AlphaMonkey
"Cammy Duskwind, the silver haired half-elf who tended the bar most nights, was first to the door." Other than the name, there's no real reason to, but I think of the Street Fighter character named Cammy. It's a very... dissonant image, to say the least.
"“Im. Reconnaissance. Go. We’ll meet you on the square.”" Heh. Imoen pretty much -is- stealth reconnaissance personified. It's yummy.
"“I’m gone,” the empty air chirped, and the door opened and shut so quickly one might have missed the motion altogether." Her little soundbite from the game... "Now you see me... now you don't..." still makes me fanboy squee a little. :D
"When Maera got to six, one of Drogan’s tablemates spoke. “M-mistress Coltrane,” said the young man, a nervous looking sort wearing a holy symbol of Mystra, and no older than twenty, “you’re not armed!”
She shrugged. “I’ll improvise.” She darted out the door, and disappeared into the increasingly smoky night." Heh. That's just begging for a Lady Shiva-style "Nonsense. Of course I'm armed. I have you." And then she hits the bad guy in a pressure point and makes him stab himself in the eye. :D
"These were modern times, after all, and she was a staunch proponent of necking." Ah, there's that snark I love so much. Heh.
"Kelsey took momentarily shelter on the porch of a narrow townhouse. He thought about cursing the fact he couldn’t cast a decent invisibility spell, but it wasn’t worth the effort. It hadn’t come to him in the past twenty years; it probably wasn’t going to now. He’d bemoaned the fact that Imoen far outstripped him in defensive ability to Maera once, and she had pointed out that his offensive capabilities were definitely superior. The conversation had ended with her providing him with a detailed demonstration of just how much she enjoyed watching him work, as it were." I do like how that works... the game limits sorcerors' spell selections, but it's not a limit people tend to think about all that much when they're actually writing a character with those kinds of abilities. This idea that he just couldn't will certain types of magic to work for him no matter his experience makes sense, and it's fitting how Imoen, being a regular mage is more versatile, which is how it should be according to all the rule books and class descriptions. So this is a nice touch.
Also, wink wink, nudge nudge, I bet she enjoys watching him work in other ways besides combat magic. Ha ha ha, see what I did there? Boy, I'm clever. :P
(Chuckle)
"“She yours, little man? Gonna beg me not to hurt your woman?”
Kelsey blinked, and before he could stop himself, he answered honestly, “Well…no.”" Yeah, I'm kinda expecting Im to pull a "I've got... your crossbow..." or something. :D
"Kelsey spread his hands. “What? He asked.” Imoen continued to glower at him and he crossed his arms coolly. “Imoen. Are you the woman I’ve been married to for ten years, or are you the sister-in-law who picks my pocket for beer money?”
She pursed her lips, eyes furtive. “You noticed that, huh?”" This works, too. I'm not surprised she doesn't pay for drinks. She's too cute for it.
"“Among other things. She reminds me of me, sometimes.”
“I know. That’s why I occasionally despair for her future.”" I'm more inclined to go with "Is it not awesome? Tell me it is not awesome."
"“You mean, are they here because of me?” Maera’s eyes grew distant as she followed the thought down its various probable courses. Her expression darkened. “I need a sword.”" That... is one really nice way to end the chapter. You can just picture that... like the camera panning out, the gang looking all grim-faced, Maera saying that line right before the thing cuts to a commercial break. It's got a very "I'm going to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of gum" feel to it. Very nice.
And yeah, apologies for the random nature of the commentary. Sometimes you just feel silly. :)
11AlphaMonkey"Cammy Duskwind, the silver haired half-elf who tended the bar most nights, was first to the door." Other than the name, there's no real reason to, but I think of the Street Fighter character named Cammy. It's a very... dissonant image, to say the least.
"“Im. Reconnaissance. Go. We’ll meet you on the square.”" Heh. Imoen pretty much -is- stealth reconnaissance personified. It's yummy.
"“I’m gone,” the empty air chirped, and the door opened and shut so quickly one might have missed the motion altogether." Her little soundbite from the game... "Now you see me... now you don't..." still makes me fanboy squee a little. :D
"When Maera got to six, one of Drogan’s tablemates spoke. “M-mistress Coltrane,” said the young man, a nervous looking sort wearing a holy symbol of Mystra, and no older than twenty, “you’re not armed!”
She shrugged. “I’ll improvise.” She darted out the door, and disappeared into the increasingly smoky night." Heh. That's just begging for a Lady Shiva-style "Nonsense. Of course I'm armed. I have you." And then she hits the bad guy in a pressure point and makes him stab himself in the eye. :D
"These were modern times, after all, and she was a staunch proponent of necking." Ah, there's that snark I love so much. Heh.
"Kelsey took momentarily shelter on the porch of a narrow townhouse. He thought about cursing the fact he couldn’t cast a decent invisibility spell, but it wasn’t worth the effort. It hadn’t come to him in the past twenty years; it probably wasn’t going to now. He’d bemoaned the fact that Imoen far outstripped him in defensive ability to Maera once, and she had pointed out that his offensive capabilities were definitely superior. The conversation had ended with her providing him with a detailed demonstration of just how much she enjoyed watching him work, as it were." I do like how that works... the game limits sorcerors' spell selections, but it's not a limit people tend to think about all that much when they're actually writing a character with those kinds of abilities. This idea that he just couldn't will certain types of magic to work for him no matter his experience makes sense, and it's fitting how Imoen, being a regular mage is more versatile, which is how it should be according to all the rule books and class descriptions. So this is a nice touch.
Also, wink wink, nudge nudge, I bet she enjoys watching him work in other ways besides combat magic. Ha ha ha, see what I did there? Boy, I'm clever. :P
(Chuckle)
"“She yours, little man? Gonna beg me not to hurt your woman?”
Kelsey blinked, and before he could stop himself, he answered honestly, “Well…no.”" Yeah, I'm kinda expecting Im to pull a "I've got... your crossbow..." or something. :D
"Kelsey spread his hands. “What? He asked.” Imoen continued to glower at him and he crossed his arms coolly. “Imoen. Are you the woman I’ve been married to for ten years, or are you the sister-in-law who picks my pocket for beer money?”
She pursed her lips, eyes furtive. “You noticed that, huh?”" This works, too. I'm not surprised she doesn't pay for drinks. She's too cute for it.
"“Among other things. She reminds me of me, sometimes.”
“I know. That’s why I occasionally despair for her future.”" I'm more inclined to go with "Is it not awesome? Tell me it is not awesome."
"“You mean, are they here because of me?” Maera’s eyes grew distant as she followed the thought down its various probable courses. Her expression darkened. “I need a sword.”" That... is one really nice way to end the chapter. You can just picture that... like the camera panning out, the gang looking all grim-faced, Maera saying that line right before the thing cuts to a commercial break. It's got a very "I'm going to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of gum" feel to it. Very nice.
And yeah, apologies for the random nature of the commentary. Sometimes you just feel silly. :)
6/11/2009 c2 6Lalaithe
I don't think I've seen a fight scene that was as fun to read in a long time! Great chapter. With the flowing details it felt like a movie scene.
"These were modern times, after all, and she was a staunch proponent of necking." This made me giggle. It's a good thing Imoen doesn't visit too often, she's a natural scene stealer!
I'm curious to see what's up with the bandits, too.
6LalaitheI don't think I've seen a fight scene that was as fun to read in a long time! Great chapter. With the flowing details it felt like a movie scene.
"These were modern times, after all, and she was a staunch proponent of necking." This made me giggle. It's a good thing Imoen doesn't visit too often, she's a natural scene stealer!
I'm curious to see what's up with the bandits, too.
5/29/2009 c1 3VigaHrolf
I've always been intrigued with the 'Post Epilogue' stories that spin out of the ending of BG. Mainly because it truly allows for some whole cloth creation (within the greater framework of course)
This is a very fun example of that. You've got a great opening, young Kylie rebelling against the cruel injustices of her parents in keeping her away from Auntie Imoen. Which, in all cases is probably not the worst idea known to humanity. You make her endearing, smart and quite entertaining. Kelsey and Maera have great banter... and well, as an Immy fan... you're Immy is an excellent one. The banter and representation of her as still a goofball, but a grown up one is great.
And I liked how the piece moved from light to grim while not losing anything from the quality or enjoyment. How it rolls from the light, family, happy aspect to the swirl of danger and an obvious hook for a sequel.
And yes, that would be a very polite request for just that.
3VigaHrolfI've always been intrigued with the 'Post Epilogue' stories that spin out of the ending of BG. Mainly because it truly allows for some whole cloth creation (within the greater framework of course)
This is a very fun example of that. You've got a great opening, young Kylie rebelling against the cruel injustices of her parents in keeping her away from Auntie Imoen. Which, in all cases is probably not the worst idea known to humanity. You make her endearing, smart and quite entertaining. Kelsey and Maera have great banter... and well, as an Immy fan... you're Immy is an excellent one. The banter and representation of her as still a goofball, but a grown up one is great.
And I liked how the piece moved from light to grim while not losing anything from the quality or enjoyment. How it rolls from the light, family, happy aspect to the swirl of danger and an obvious hook for a sequel.
And yes, that would be a very polite request for just that.
5/27/2009 c1 11AlphaMonkey
Well, first time poking my head into the BG section here. Recognize a few names from other boards and such, but most of the faces are new. :)
Anyway, just to get it out of the way, nice little piece you've got here. One of the most fun aspects about the Gate games was always the inter-party banter, and you've definitely stayed true to that with the dialogue here, so good job on that front.
As for more substantive commentary...
1. I do like the way you start things off with a very sort of tongue-in-cheek approach. (Through use of lines such as the "Logic had no place in the heart of a nine year old..." There's no shortage of irony with the opening lines, marking "poor" Kylia as some horribly oppressed individual living under the rule of a pair of tyrannical despots. She's got small dreams - just wants to spend some time with her favorite aunt, but no, these horrid, domineering people who run her life won't let her, and why do they have to be such dictators, anyway? It sets the pace for the whole piece, letting us know right from the very beginning that we... well, shouldn't expect anything -too- terribly serious from what's to come.
Setting the tone, letting the reader know whether to expect some "light" fare (i.e. something more along the lines of a comedic piece) or something heavier is important to get out of the way as soon as possible. Not to say that you can't start with a bit of humor and then segue into something darker or the other way around, but more often than not, starting light and continuing in that vein or starting heavy and continuing heavy tends to be a better approach from what I've seen.
2. It's a little more difficult for me to comment on characterization because Kelsey's a mod NPC, and Kylia and Maera are your original characters... which leaves Jaheira (who is only mentioned and doesn't directly interact with the cast) and Imoen. That being said, Immy is definitely my favorite of the BG party NPCs, and I happen to think you capture her pretty well. Certainly, the way you introduce her: "It didn't hurt that Imoen was not above bribery" is a very good way to encapsulate the character. It's just a short line, but it does actually show a lot about the character. She really doesn't take herself very seriously at all, and far from being a weakness, it's a strong point for her, and one of her most charming traits, in my opinion, so points for making her "introduction" here so appropriate.
"“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud. You know my guild isn’t out to rip off honest merchants.” She folded her hands and adopted an exaggeratedly businesslike posture. “We seek to encourage the more socially useful applications of the thieving skillset. There is so much more to us than mere wealth redistribution.”
“But if you happen to line your pockets a little along the way…?” Kelsey looked at her with expectant amusement, and Imoen stuck her tongue out at him.
“Then we’re doing it right!”" After all, what's a little petty larceny between friends, right? Right. :) Again, just the right blend of impishness with enough hints that she's grown up. I realize that you're probably just working off the "canon" ending for her that says she founded her own Thieves Guild, but the idea that she's leading an organization of her own implies that she really did "grow up" some. She would have had to in order to be responsible for a group, and at the same time, she never did get past what made her so special and so endearing... that little bit of mischievousness and impetuousness that led her to lift little knicknacks that drew her attention and such like that. Plus, the idea that she and her group only target dishonest merchants: it can be difficult sometimes to reconcile the notion that the game classes her as a "thief" but also puts her as "neutral good" so the idea of her stealing from the rich to give to the poor is a good angle to take.
3. "“Last I saw him, he was doing well. He’s been a lot of help dealing with the Night Knives, who are an unbelievable bunch of jerks, I must say. He and Sime broke up again last month, but it won’t last.”
“They always get back together,” Maera chuckled."
A friend of mine's been writing a serial about Sime, and he's made her into quite the leading lady. So this bit here just tickles me. It's nice to see some mention of her as something other than just "that Shadow Thief on the boat with you."
4. As for what I was saying earlier about starting light and ending "heavy," the conversation with Drogan almost puts a damper on the whole thing, with the mood almost starting to sour towards the end. Note I say "almost" because it doesn't. In fact, I like what you did there quite a bit. For one, the whole idea of Maera trying to avoid any "entanglements" simply because she's still a public figure whether she likes the idea of being one or night is a very valid argument and not an angle I think a lot of people really considered. I know I for one figured "Hey, the ending says that if CHARNAME stays mortal, he/she and his/her romantic interest (if any) get to have their happy ending. (Unless it's Viconia in which case she DIES.)" But the general idea was that "CHARNAME gets to live his/her life free of interference." which sort of suggests that there wouldn't be any more of this "You're a Bhaalspawn and that's trouble" business.
Realistically speaking, though, whether or not Bhaal's blood had or has any more sway over her, she would still be a pretty formidable individual and yes, just about any group she chose to tie herself to could get quite the reputation bonus by saying "Hey, look who we have on our side." Or, on the opposite side of the spectrum, joining any particular side could make them look bad. Wanting to stay clear of that kind of nonsense would make a lot of sense. So interesting take on that.
5. "So much for avoiding Work. “That’s the Twilight Hall,” she said, raising her voice over the tumult. “Something’s wrong.”" And that is what we like to call "a sequel hook." :D
11AlphaMonkeyWell, first time poking my head into the BG section here. Recognize a few names from other boards and such, but most of the faces are new. :)
Anyway, just to get it out of the way, nice little piece you've got here. One of the most fun aspects about the Gate games was always the inter-party banter, and you've definitely stayed true to that with the dialogue here, so good job on that front.
As for more substantive commentary...
1. I do like the way you start things off with a very sort of tongue-in-cheek approach. (Through use of lines such as the "Logic had no place in the heart of a nine year old..." There's no shortage of irony with the opening lines, marking "poor" Kylia as some horribly oppressed individual living under the rule of a pair of tyrannical despots. She's got small dreams - just wants to spend some time with her favorite aunt, but no, these horrid, domineering people who run her life won't let her, and why do they have to be such dictators, anyway? It sets the pace for the whole piece, letting us know right from the very beginning that we... well, shouldn't expect anything -too- terribly serious from what's to come.
Setting the tone, letting the reader know whether to expect some "light" fare (i.e. something more along the lines of a comedic piece) or something heavier is important to get out of the way as soon as possible. Not to say that you can't start with a bit of humor and then segue into something darker or the other way around, but more often than not, starting light and continuing in that vein or starting heavy and continuing heavy tends to be a better approach from what I've seen.
2. It's a little more difficult for me to comment on characterization because Kelsey's a mod NPC, and Kylia and Maera are your original characters... which leaves Jaheira (who is only mentioned and doesn't directly interact with the cast) and Imoen. That being said, Immy is definitely my favorite of the BG party NPCs, and I happen to think you capture her pretty well. Certainly, the way you introduce her: "It didn't hurt that Imoen was not above bribery" is a very good way to encapsulate the character. It's just a short line, but it does actually show a lot about the character. She really doesn't take herself very seriously at all, and far from being a weakness, it's a strong point for her, and one of her most charming traits, in my opinion, so points for making her "introduction" here so appropriate.
"“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud. You know my guild isn’t out to rip off honest merchants.” She folded her hands and adopted an exaggeratedly businesslike posture. “We seek to encourage the more socially useful applications of the thieving skillset. There is so much more to us than mere wealth redistribution.”
“But if you happen to line your pockets a little along the way…?” Kelsey looked at her with expectant amusement, and Imoen stuck her tongue out at him.
“Then we’re doing it right!”" After all, what's a little petty larceny between friends, right? Right. :) Again, just the right blend of impishness with enough hints that she's grown up. I realize that you're probably just working off the "canon" ending for her that says she founded her own Thieves Guild, but the idea that she's leading an organization of her own implies that she really did "grow up" some. She would have had to in order to be responsible for a group, and at the same time, she never did get past what made her so special and so endearing... that little bit of mischievousness and impetuousness that led her to lift little knicknacks that drew her attention and such like that. Plus, the idea that she and her group only target dishonest merchants: it can be difficult sometimes to reconcile the notion that the game classes her as a "thief" but also puts her as "neutral good" so the idea of her stealing from the rich to give to the poor is a good angle to take.
3. "“Last I saw him, he was doing well. He’s been a lot of help dealing with the Night Knives, who are an unbelievable bunch of jerks, I must say. He and Sime broke up again last month, but it won’t last.”
“They always get back together,” Maera chuckled."
A friend of mine's been writing a serial about Sime, and he's made her into quite the leading lady. So this bit here just tickles me. It's nice to see some mention of her as something other than just "that Shadow Thief on the boat with you."
4. As for what I was saying earlier about starting light and ending "heavy," the conversation with Drogan almost puts a damper on the whole thing, with the mood almost starting to sour towards the end. Note I say "almost" because it doesn't. In fact, I like what you did there quite a bit. For one, the whole idea of Maera trying to avoid any "entanglements" simply because she's still a public figure whether she likes the idea of being one or night is a very valid argument and not an angle I think a lot of people really considered. I know I for one figured "Hey, the ending says that if CHARNAME stays mortal, he/she and his/her romantic interest (if any) get to have their happy ending. (Unless it's Viconia in which case she DIES.)" But the general idea was that "CHARNAME gets to live his/her life free of interference." which sort of suggests that there wouldn't be any more of this "You're a Bhaalspawn and that's trouble" business.
Realistically speaking, though, whether or not Bhaal's blood had or has any more sway over her, she would still be a pretty formidable individual and yes, just about any group she chose to tie herself to could get quite the reputation bonus by saying "Hey, look who we have on our side." Or, on the opposite side of the spectrum, joining any particular side could make them look bad. Wanting to stay clear of that kind of nonsense would make a lot of sense. So interesting take on that.
5. "So much for avoiding Work. “That’s the Twilight Hall,” she said, raising her voice over the tumult. “Something’s wrong.”" And that is what we like to call "a sequel hook." :D
5/26/2009 c1 6A Wee Bit Insane
I like this story so far:). Lightly, skillfully written. Poor Kylia, staying with Jaheira. She will be scarred for life, heh heh.
6A Wee Bit InsaneI like this story so far:). Lightly, skillfully written. Poor Kylia, staying with Jaheira. She will be scarred for life, heh heh.
5/22/2009 c1 6Lalaithe
I likes! :) It's good to see that parenting hasn't slowed Mr and Mrs Coltrane down (much). Kylia sounds like a handful but she seems spot-on for a bright little girl. I like Imoen as the 'model' businesswoman too! Looking forward to reading more.
I wouldn't worry about using Tolkien elvish, if it works, go for it!
6LalaitheI likes! :) It's good to see that parenting hasn't slowed Mr and Mrs Coltrane down (much). Kylia sounds like a handful but she seems spot-on for a bright little girl. I like Imoen as the 'model' businesswoman too! Looking forward to reading more.
I wouldn't worry about using Tolkien elvish, if it works, go for it!