for Flashpoint12/29/2011 c6 NewFanFictionFan
For what its worth, the past tense of 'drag' is 'dragged', not 'drug'. You have misused 'drug' at least 10 times.
There are a lot of punctuation mistakes, missing commas, question marks, run on sentences, etc. You need a Beta-reader/Editor.
There are few spelling mistakes, aside from some tense errors, the grammar is not bad.
Thanks for your work in writing the story. Its pleasant and entertaining.
Carl
For what its worth, the past tense of 'drag' is 'dragged', not 'drug'. You have misused 'drug' at least 10 times.
There are a lot of punctuation mistakes, missing commas, question marks, run on sentences, etc. You need a Beta-reader/Editor.
There are few spelling mistakes, aside from some tense errors, the grammar is not bad.
Thanks for your work in writing the story. Its pleasant and entertaining.
Carl
10/15/2011 c9 
2Eregnar
Yeah, this was too neat and convenient.
Liked it, but... it seems to, wish-fulfilment-y. Nobody that you like dies, your favorite villains are made overly-sympathetic, and... guns. It's funny on a parody, but a bit jarring in a serious work.
Oh well. Group hug for Snape.
"Oh kids, I love you too. Now let go of me."
2EregnarYeah, this was too neat and convenient.
Liked it, but... it seems to, wish-fulfilment-y. Nobody that you like dies, your favorite villains are made overly-sympathetic, and... guns. It's funny on a parody, but a bit jarring in a serious work.
Oh well. Group hug for Snape.
"Oh kids, I love you too. Now let go of me."
10/15/2011 c7 Eregnar
To be honest, a lot of this stuff seems a little too convenient.
And the Carrows must be absolute idiots, to not notice Snape's a good guy when he goes around telling everyone. He's supposed to be under-cover, after all...
Still an interesting story on the whole.
To be honest, a lot of this stuff seems a little too convenient.
And the Carrows must be absolute idiots, to not notice Snape's a good guy when he goes around telling everyone. He's supposed to be under-cover, after all...
Still an interesting story on the whole.
10/15/2011 c5 Eregnar
Well I must say that's a relief.
Lucius should be much better off with Snape.
*breathes again*
Well I must say that's a relief.
Lucius should be much better off with Snape.
*breathes again*
10/15/2011 c4 Eregnar
Talk about mood whiplash. That stinging hex/aguamenti battle between Ron and Harry was adorable.
Now back to torturing and humiliating Lucius, I presume?
Talk about mood whiplash. That stinging hex/aguamenti battle between Ron and Harry was adorable.
Now back to torturing and humiliating Lucius, I presume?
10/15/2011 c2 Eregnar
"Snape, we are secretly in love." Harry snapped back
That would be funny... if it weren't for all the Snarry stories out there *wince.*
"Snape, we are secretly in love." Harry snapped back
That would be funny... if it weren't for all the Snarry stories out there *wince.*
3/23/2011 c9 Jim Red Hawk
"Voldemort looked down at the spreading stain of red coming out of his chest and he ran a hand over it and looked at the blood on his hand. He looked at Harry in shock and tried to cast a spell but ended up on his knees on the ground."
Voldy was lucky! I would have put another between his eyes when his knees hit the ground! :)
JimS
"Voldemort looked down at the spreading stain of red coming out of his chest and he ran a hand over it and looked at the blood on his hand. He looked at Harry in shock and tried to cast a spell but ended up on his knees on the ground."
Voldy was lucky! I would have put another between his eyes when his knees hit the ground! :)
JimS
6/27/2010 c5 2Belle Nuit
Nice work, I love this story. Lucius is one of my favorite characters, so any fic with him as a main character has my vote, not to mention it's very well written as well. I'm terrified that they're going to kill him off in the movie, based on the director's and Jason's comments, I really, really hope not. The mention of the gun in this chapter made me laugh, because most wizards don't know what a gun is, and I always wondered why someone didn't just get a gun and shoot Voldy. But I suppose that would be a bit like "Rock falls, everyone dies". Keep up the good work. :)
2Belle NuitNice work, I love this story. Lucius is one of my favorite characters, so any fic with him as a main character has my vote, not to mention it's very well written as well. I'm terrified that they're going to kill him off in the movie, based on the director's and Jason's comments, I really, really hope not. The mention of the gun in this chapter made me laugh, because most wizards don't know what a gun is, and I always wondered why someone didn't just get a gun and shoot Voldy. But I suppose that would be a bit like "Rock falls, everyone dies". Keep up the good work. :)
3/11/2010 c8 Beth5572
I would love to see what you write next. Your a great writer and your stories are great too.
Thank you,
Terri
I would love to see what you write next. Your a great writer and your stories are great too.
Thank you,
Terri
10/24/2009 c7 9excessivelyperky
I love the preparations they're making-'God, I love the smell of napalm in the morning'-and with Snape still a potions master, bet he could whip up a little C-4 if he needed to. Good chapter.
9excessivelyperkyI love the preparations they're making-'God, I love the smell of napalm in the morning'-and with Snape still a potions master, bet he could whip up a little C-4 if he needed to. Good chapter.
9/7/2009 c6 excessivelyperky
Good chapter. It will be easier for Snape without the whole school hating him, and with people to help him protect the children from the Carrows. And the confrontation with Harry should have happened in canon (and Harry has clearly forgotten how his dear sweet dad beat up on Snape four on one-but of course, anything's fair against a Slytherin, as he was carefully taught). Harry should realize that Snape was only defending himself, but of course he didn't till Albus finally (at last!) told the truth. Again, though, he was carefully taught all his time at Hogwarts that anything was ok as long as a Slytherin ended up hurt or nearly dead, so it's no surprise that he put it into action here.
Good chapter. It will be easier for Snape without the whole school hating him, and with people to help him protect the children from the Carrows. And the confrontation with Harry should have happened in canon (and Harry has clearly forgotten how his dear sweet dad beat up on Snape four on one-but of course, anything's fair against a Slytherin, as he was carefully taught). Harry should realize that Snape was only defending himself, but of course he didn't till Albus finally (at last!) told the truth. Again, though, he was carefully taught all his time at Hogwarts that anything was ok as long as a Slytherin ended up hurt or nearly dead, so it's no surprise that he put it into action here.
8/22/2009 c5 excessivelyperky
Actually, Tom Riddle, raised in a Muggle orphanage, is still technically a subject of the Queen-and I suspect that such children have _some_ status. I also think in canon that Tom Riddle Sr. and Merope Gaunt were briefly married (and who knows if he waited till Merope's death to re-marry, which might make the status of _his_ Muggle children fairly exciting if anybody knew about the situation).
Ahem. Still good chapter, though, and I like how Severus and Lucius are routinely offering the Party Line in case someone is still listening.
Actually, Tom Riddle, raised in a Muggle orphanage, is still technically a subject of the Queen-and I suspect that such children have _some_ status. I also think in canon that Tom Riddle Sr. and Merope Gaunt were briefly married (and who knows if he waited till Merope's death to re-marry, which might make the status of _his_ Muggle children fairly exciting if anybody knew about the situation).
Ahem. Still good chapter, though, and I like how Severus and Lucius are routinely offering the Party Line in case someone is still listening.