for The Unknown6/30/2009 c1 
13Loridhhp
Interesting start to this story. Again, I point out the dialog issues that you now know about. Remember to separate each person's dialog by beginning a new line of dialog for each person speaking instead of bunching it all in one confusing paragraph. Your sentence structure and word usage is quite good, considering your very young age. You should definitely find an experienced Beta to help you polish your chapters off. Also remember to keep author's notes out of the body of your story. It's very distracting. Write them at the beginning when you post. I am not demeaning you in any way when I say this, but you have the typical "magical thinking" of an inexperienced youth. For instance: there is no way in reality that Nathan would be a detective working with the police at the age of 23. It takes years of training and promotions within the police department to attain that. So some readers might be put off your story for such inaccuracies. Try researching things before you write, or ask an adult. Also your Beta should be able to point out any unrealistic things in your writing and help you correct them before you post your chapter. This way your readers won't be rolling their eyes at your inexperience, but marveling at your level of writing for your age. You do write very well for someone who is only going into 8th grade, and I will be the first to compliment you on that! You must be a very smart boy/girl (I'm not sure which! Lol!)and you probably get good grades. It shows in your writing. Once you reach high school, you will find tremendous benefit in taking creative writing classes, because you have both talent and creativity. As you mature, so will your writing. I think this story is interesting and I love the visual descriptions you give, in addition to being able to write dialog. Descriptive writing fleshes out a story and makes it much more interesting to read. Keep up the good work and use your experiences writing here as a way to improve your writing. Who knows, you may turn out to be another Rory Gilmore, working for your school paper!
13LoridhhpInteresting start to this story. Again, I point out the dialog issues that you now know about. Remember to separate each person's dialog by beginning a new line of dialog for each person speaking instead of bunching it all in one confusing paragraph. Your sentence structure and word usage is quite good, considering your very young age. You should definitely find an experienced Beta to help you polish your chapters off. Also remember to keep author's notes out of the body of your story. It's very distracting. Write them at the beginning when you post. I am not demeaning you in any way when I say this, but you have the typical "magical thinking" of an inexperienced youth. For instance: there is no way in reality that Nathan would be a detective working with the police at the age of 23. It takes years of training and promotions within the police department to attain that. So some readers might be put off your story for such inaccuracies. Try researching things before you write, or ask an adult. Also your Beta should be able to point out any unrealistic things in your writing and help you correct them before you post your chapter. This way your readers won't be rolling their eyes at your inexperience, but marveling at your level of writing for your age. You do write very well for someone who is only going into 8th grade, and I will be the first to compliment you on that! You must be a very smart boy/girl (I'm not sure which! Lol!)and you probably get good grades. It shows in your writing. Once you reach high school, you will find tremendous benefit in taking creative writing classes, because you have both talent and creativity. As you mature, so will your writing. I think this story is interesting and I love the visual descriptions you give, in addition to being able to write dialog. Descriptive writing fleshes out a story and makes it much more interesting to read. Keep up the good work and use your experiences writing here as a way to improve your writing. Who knows, you may turn out to be another Rory Gilmore, working for your school paper!