6/30/2011 c5 1hephaistus
To start off this review, a statement. You have turned Bella into something truly horrifying to us readers of fan fiction: a Mary-Sue. Congratulations, Shadow819. If you disagree with me, I strongly object.

Bella is a vampire, no doubt about that, but if you have even read the middle of Breaking Dawn, you would know what she looked like after getting turned. I took one look at your description of her and I swear my IQ dropped. Seriously? Black hair and blue eyes rimmed with silver? You must be joking.

Bella's eyes are red. If you had even done your research before starting this story, you would know that all newborns have red eyes. And she's supposed to sparkle in the sun. But... wait. Back up. Victoria's her friend? When the hell did that happen? You leave the readers with no clue of how Victoria easily forgave Bella. What, Bella just woke up from her change and all of a sudden the two are good friends? Details, woman!

Also, Bella [ALL OF A SUDDEN!] has a voice in her head. That's just great. Perfect, even. What's it going to tell her to do next? Kick a baby?

Back to Bella, I have a question. What the hell is she? From what I've read, apparently she's a **ing mutant vampire, fire demon, shaman, necromancer, werewolf, and witch? Yup. This story definitely reeks of a Mary-Sue. Le sigh.

All these problems are with the way you represent Bella, don't even get me started on the story itself because, truth be told, it sucks. Big time.

You have chunky looking paragraphs everywhere I look. My eyes are going to bleed with the way the text is so closely put together. Your story also contains many run on sentences as well as fragments. Not to mention you have many misspelled words and it lacks detail and depth. [FUNNER IS NOT A WORD.] Your grammar is terrible and your punctuation is no better.

I honestly just can't believe that others would actually like this story. There's so many things horribly wrong with it. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to bleach my eyes from this poorly written piece of literature.

- Kai

12/20/2010 c5 X Blue Eyed Demon X
nice! i loike it can't wait to read more!

5/22/2010 c4 4Violentious Starr
Make another Chapter please!

4/26/2010 c4 6Blue Bananana
Thats actually a really good plot line. Just a few sugestions, first, fill in some details. I understand the need to go to the fun parts, but you need some filler information. Also, you need to explain what exactly Bella is. I'm really confused on that. I saw that you didn't credit a beta. Betas are extrordinarily usefull. I will take this moment to offer my beta services. I really like what you have and you have great style.

4/14/2010 c4 1alexisgurl103
okay also, his name is derek, not derk, vampire eyes can not be blue, and what on earth is even going on with this?

3/1/2010 c4 2lonerchick23
love it

1/3/2010 c2 2Ru'a Craine
I tried to review on ch. 4 but I already had. :-(

DID I MENTION I LOVE YOUR STORY:? UPDATE ASAP!please.