for Sam Carter7/30/2012 c1 
4Revan Nonaka
I have read this chapter, and your story is good, but your gramma isn't, sadly.
I am suggesting that you make it more lively (maybe rewrite the whole story whit more "meat" this has meat that passes, but not the best).
Altso, you don't have to do it like this:
Captain Carter said "hi" to jack O'neill
Jack O'neill said "hi" back
It's much easier (and better for your grama) to have it ect. like this:
Carter says "hi" to Jack
"Hi" he replied
I know... not the best example, but it puts the point that when it comes to dialouge you just have to use the names once, unless there are third and forth parties that talks too.
I have a wish, and that is that you rewrite this story, and make it better (or as robot jack said: "Bet-Ter").
It would be SO entertaining.
If you wonder or want me as Beta, I'll look into it, though it would require you knowing the languages base (as how the words is constructed) I have mild reading problems... for lack of a better word.
oh, and one more thing: "He/she/it said" is past tense, so want to have it BEFORE a sentence, have "He/She/it says" it's better there.
may this help you to create a better story.
Revan1st
4Revan NonakaI have read this chapter, and your story is good, but your gramma isn't, sadly.
I am suggesting that you make it more lively (maybe rewrite the whole story whit more "meat" this has meat that passes, but not the best).
Altso, you don't have to do it like this:
Captain Carter said "hi" to jack O'neill
Jack O'neill said "hi" back
It's much easier (and better for your grama) to have it ect. like this:
Carter says "hi" to Jack
"Hi" he replied
I know... not the best example, but it puts the point that when it comes to dialouge you just have to use the names once, unless there are third and forth parties that talks too.
I have a wish, and that is that you rewrite this story, and make it better (or as robot jack said: "Bet-Ter").
It would be SO entertaining.
If you wonder or want me as Beta, I'll look into it, though it would require you knowing the languages base (as how the words is constructed) I have mild reading problems... for lack of a better word.
oh, and one more thing: "He/she/it said" is past tense, so want to have it BEFORE a sentence, have "He/She/it says" it's better there.
may this help you to create a better story.
Revan1st
5/4/2012 c1 Chargone
i want to read this, really i do...
but the character's speech is so awkward and unnatural, i really can't.
this is an apostrophe: '
it is your friend.
it wants to help you.
please let it help you...
please?
(it's also a single quote mark, keyboard character wise, and you're missing some of them too.)
i want to read this, really i do...
but the character's speech is so awkward and unnatural, i really can't.
this is an apostrophe: '
it is your friend.
it wants to help you.
please let it help you...
please?
(it's also a single quote mark, keyboard character wise, and you're missing some of them too.)
5/26/2011 c1 Rompy
Well done to you for having the application to write a substantial story. Despite the necessary criticisms, I note that you committed substantial time and effort to this and that is always to be commended.
I see your rather defensive reactions to other critique, and this puzzles me. If you believe your work to be perfect then it would be better not to invite reviewers, as their views of your work are pretty much guaranteed to include some negatives. These negatives are there to assist you to improve your writing and nothing more. Remember, you are writing for others - not yourself. You need to accommodate their expressed needs and respond positively with your solutions to the issues they raise.
Regarding this story, it reads like a framework for a screenplay. All the characters are held at arms length and I failed to develop sympathy for any of them. The almost complete absence of descriptive prose is little other than baffling. I see things happening, but with precious few reasons.
In common with the overwhelming majority of fan fiction writers I believe each story should, at a basic level, be able to exist in its own right - without the TV/Film connections. I feel your story makes very little sense without a good knowledge of Star Wars or Stargate SG-1.
If you want to breathe new life into this story everything and everyone needs to feel more real and therefore more believable. Don't tell us things - show them to us via description. So much can be achieved in one short description, both in character development and plot advancement.
I doubt people will truly be set on fire by your stories unless their emotions are involved. When people start caring, they start turning pages. Please don't be discouraged by this, but take it as a brilliant challenge to bring your stories to life in a whole new way.
I will be watching, and reading. :)
With every kind wish,
Rompy.
Well done to you for having the application to write a substantial story. Despite the necessary criticisms, I note that you committed substantial time and effort to this and that is always to be commended.
I see your rather defensive reactions to other critique, and this puzzles me. If you believe your work to be perfect then it would be better not to invite reviewers, as their views of your work are pretty much guaranteed to include some negatives. These negatives are there to assist you to improve your writing and nothing more. Remember, you are writing for others - not yourself. You need to accommodate their expressed needs and respond positively with your solutions to the issues they raise.
Regarding this story, it reads like a framework for a screenplay. All the characters are held at arms length and I failed to develop sympathy for any of them. The almost complete absence of descriptive prose is little other than baffling. I see things happening, but with precious few reasons.
In common with the overwhelming majority of fan fiction writers I believe each story should, at a basic level, be able to exist in its own right - without the TV/Film connections. I feel your story makes very little sense without a good knowledge of Star Wars or Stargate SG-1.
If you want to breathe new life into this story everything and everyone needs to feel more real and therefore more believable. Don't tell us things - show them to us via description. So much can be achieved in one short description, both in character development and plot advancement.
I doubt people will truly be set on fire by your stories unless their emotions are involved. When people start caring, they start turning pages. Please don't be discouraged by this, but take it as a brilliant challenge to bring your stories to life in a whole new way.
I will be watching, and reading. :)
With every kind wish,
Rompy.
10/31/2010 c1 alokin
"The wound that Jack received was not fatal. It was meant to look that way, so Sam would think that he had been killed. "
Huh ?
Did I miss something ... ?
Why ... would they do that ?
And WHY reveal a plot line the moment it happened ... ?
"The wound that Jack received was not fatal. It was meant to look that way, so Sam would think that he had been killed. "
Huh ?
Did I miss something ... ?
Why ... would they do that ?
And WHY reveal a plot line the moment it happened ... ?
5/30/2010 c19 8ironyheartsap
Great job. This was a great crossover. Different than most other Stargate SG-1/Star Wars crossovers (but in a good way). I liked the journey Sam had to make. You did an amazing job writing this.
Have you thought about a sequel? The Goua'ld aren't defeated yet. Maybe Sam can rejoin SG-1 as a Jedi. The System Lords wouldn't know what hit them!
Anyway great job!
8ironyheartsapGreat job. This was a great crossover. Different than most other Stargate SG-1/Star Wars crossovers (but in a good way). I liked the journey Sam had to make. You did an amazing job writing this.
Have you thought about a sequel? The Goua'ld aren't defeated yet. Maybe Sam can rejoin SG-1 as a Jedi. The System Lords wouldn't know what hit them!
Anyway great job!
2/12/2010 c19 12Nedy Rahn
you tell a very good story. practice your craft and any refinements will come as you continue to write. be sure to always go back and read what you have written. you can find places that you need to improve on that way. once you find them take the time to fix the problems found. don't let others tell you how to present your stories, they are your stories. just remember when using this genre of fiction (fan fiction) that the basic plots and environments of the existing story worlds are just the background. when you write make each and every story your own, not just a rehash of the work of others. use their work as a foundation, but build your own structure.
12Nedy Rahnyou tell a very good story. practice your craft and any refinements will come as you continue to write. be sure to always go back and read what you have written. you can find places that you need to improve on that way. once you find them take the time to fix the problems found. don't let others tell you how to present your stories, they are your stories. just remember when using this genre of fiction (fan fiction) that the basic plots and environments of the existing story worlds are just the background. when you write make each and every story your own, not just a rehash of the work of others. use their work as a foundation, but build your own structure.