for Falling From Heaven's Doors5/19/2010 c4 jupitersthunder
For some reason I was picturing Nao... Good story you got here. PLEASE UPDATE SOON! (It also makes sense with the drinking, lol)
For some reason I was picturing Nao... Good story you got here. PLEASE UPDATE SOON! (It also makes sense with the drinking, lol)
5/10/2010 c4 
10RevalisPyross
...So when do we find out who the stranger is? =3 *Shot*
I feel sorry for WoW; she really just needs to be loved and I hope that SANADA-san will come through and give her what she longs for. Vlas was so adorable and the 'head-warmer' made me laugh.
Looking forward to the next update!
10RevalisPyross...So when do we find out who the stranger is? =3 *Shot*
I feel sorry for WoW; she really just needs to be loved and I hope that SANADA-san will come through and give her what she longs for. Vlas was so adorable and the 'head-warmer' made me laugh.
Looking forward to the next update!
5/9/2010 c4 14Ookami Z
Holy crap! I didn't see THAT coming! Yay for update! Can't wait to see how this will continue! This is one of my favorite stories! Can't wait for update!
14Ookami ZHoly crap! I didn't see THAT coming! Yay for update! Can't wait to see how this will continue! This is one of my favorite stories! Can't wait for update!
5/9/2010 c4 MissIzzyB
I liked the chapter a lot and I love that it's Anh! This should be interesting!
I liked the chapter a lot and I love that it's Anh! This should be interesting!
5/9/2010 c4 Nipso
Yes! An update AND my suspicions are proved right. A good day, indeed. Just wanted to let you know I love this story. (I love Shiznat, sure, but you can only read then many without getting a bit bored.) This is a nice change and also a pretty interesting pairing. Keep up the good work xP
Yes! An update AND my suspicions are proved right. A good day, indeed. Just wanted to let you know I love this story. (I love Shiznat, sure, but you can only read then many without getting a bit bored.) This is a nice change and also a pretty interesting pairing. Keep up the good work xP
2/8/2010 c3 10RevalisPyross
Sakomizu's putting on the moves~, but he don't stand a chance against the WoW! LOL, Yukariko got a taste of cherry~ wine~ an' she liked it! ;)
Glad your op went okay and I'm not exactly pain-free either; I've got a cold and a sore throat :(. I'm getting the internet back on Thursday!
Glad you updated this; main-stream is all well and good, but there *are* other characters in Mai HiME and it's nice to see them getting a bit of love from time to time. X3
10RevalisPyrossSakomizu's putting on the moves~, but he don't stand a chance against the WoW! LOL, Yukariko got a taste of cherry~ wine~ an' she liked it! ;)
Glad your op went okay and I'm not exactly pain-free either; I've got a cold and a sore throat :(. I'm getting the internet back on Thursday!
Glad you updated this; main-stream is all well and good, but there *are* other characters in Mai HiME and it's nice to see them getting a bit of love from time to time. X3
2/7/2010 c3 MissIzzyB
Great chapter! You're right, purple eyes does narrow it down and kicks out my primary suspect - oddly enough I thought it could have been Midori...
Great chapter! You're right, purple eyes does narrow it down and kicks out my primary suspect - oddly enough I thought it could have been Midori...
2/6/2010 c3 2alicelane
oh my, did you know you're actually the only author that got me into reading something non-ShizNat? i'm extremely curious as to where this is going. i love how your mysterious character is so forward with the prudish Yukariko. the writing is excellent too. i hope you update soon ;]
2alicelaneoh my, did you know you're actually the only author that got me into reading something non-ShizNat? i'm extremely curious as to where this is going. i love how your mysterious character is so forward with the prudish Yukariko. the writing is excellent too. i hope you update soon ;]
2/5/2010 c3 2Jennayees
nice chapter man!i still dunno who the character is...even with the clue *sigh* oo well...and wow...she knocked her out cold!
hope you update soon ^_^
2Jennayeesnice chapter man!i still dunno who the character is...even with the clue *sigh* oo well...and wow...she knocked her out cold!
hope you update soon ^_^
11/23/2009 c2 10RevalisPyross
Interesting update; I'm really intrigued by the mysterious stranger's past.
As for the stranger herself, I'm going by what you said in your second to last e-mail "Of /course/ I'm talking about ! Who else would I pair Yukariko with?", which may be cheating but the whole learning and drinking stuff reminds me of Midori and I don't think you would be able to split up your favourite couple. ;D
Something that I've noticed in your fics is that you write 'patience' as 'patients'; unless your talking about playing doctor to a load of sick people, I think you want the spelling of the former.
Looking forward to the next update! (That's when we find out who it is, right?)
10RevalisPyrossInteresting update; I'm really intrigued by the mysterious stranger's past.
As for the stranger herself, I'm going by what you said in your second to last e-mail "Of /course/ I'm talking about ! Who else would I pair Yukariko with?", which may be cheating but the whole learning and drinking stuff reminds me of Midori and I don't think you would be able to split up your favourite couple. ;D
Something that I've noticed in your fics is that you write 'patience' as 'patients'; unless your talking about playing doctor to a load of sick people, I think you want the spelling of the former.
Looking forward to the next update! (That's when we find out who it is, right?)
11/23/2009 c2 2Jennayees
interesting story man...really wondering who the hooded person is...
hope you update soon ^_^
2Jennayeesinteresting story man...really wondering who the hooded person is...
hope you update soon ^_^
10/2/2009 c1 10RevalisPyross
*Heavy sigh.* You are way too hard on yourself; saying that your writing has been of bad quality is utter c-r-a-p when you have actually improved considerably since you first started out, as to be expected with all writers. Everyone wants to get better and has their doubts at times, but you can't let it take over you. It's good that you're making an effort to improve, but try to turn your negative view on yourself into a positive one.
And what is with this "YukarikoxNotGoingToSpoilIt+'EvenThoughYou'llProbablyNeverReadIt'+"? I'm pretty damn sure that I've told you before that I'd read anything that you write (if not, then I'm saying it now) and if you wasn't on the other side of the bloody world I'd be doing my usual friend routine; slap you on the back of the head then give you a hug.
Now onto an actual review.
Since you wanted examples to better your writing, "I would have given you pardon if you’d asked for it.” probably would have been better phrased as "I would have pardoned you if you'd asked for it."
Hmm, I've got a niggling feeling that the intruder is Yukino, yet at the same time I don't it is. She kinda reminds me of an owl, yet owls signify the roles of teachers... Also this would go on the presumption that she is so broken that she has let go of her inhibitions and the shyness she usually has.
I like the beginning of this; it has a refreshing direction to what one usually finds on and I shall be very interested to read the next chapter.
10RevalisPyross*Heavy sigh.* You are way too hard on yourself; saying that your writing has been of bad quality is utter c-r-a-p when you have actually improved considerably since you first started out, as to be expected with all writers. Everyone wants to get better and has their doubts at times, but you can't let it take over you. It's good that you're making an effort to improve, but try to turn your negative view on yourself into a positive one.
And what is with this "YukarikoxNotGoingToSpoilIt+'EvenThoughYou'llProbablyNeverReadIt'+"? I'm pretty damn sure that I've told you before that I'd read anything that you write (if not, then I'm saying it now) and if you wasn't on the other side of the bloody world I'd be doing my usual friend routine; slap you on the back of the head then give you a hug.
Now onto an actual review.
Since you wanted examples to better your writing, "I would have given you pardon if you’d asked for it.” probably would have been better phrased as "I would have pardoned you if you'd asked for it."
Hmm, I've got a niggling feeling that the intruder is Yukino, yet at the same time I don't it is. She kinda reminds me of an owl, yet owls signify the roles of teachers... Also this would go on the presumption that she is so broken that she has let go of her inhibitions and the shyness she usually has.
I like the beginning of this; it has a refreshing direction to what one usually finds on and I shall be very interested to read the next chapter.
9/24/2009 c1 1Glast Heim
Yep, much better. Though now you really have me curious as what happened.
Can't wait for what you have to show to us.
1Glast HeimYep, much better. Though now you really have me curious as what happened.
Can't wait for what you have to show to us.
9/24/2009 c1 2Entropy Empathy
I preface this with my standard warning: editor am I not, nor have I ever cared to be. For selfish reasons, I found myself moved by your opening expository, recognizing a fellow devotee of hat-tipped, dagger-in-the-dark martyrly perfectionism.
Thus, lacking in common sense (and being a tad touched), I offer the following - to take, or set by the curb for recycling as you see fit.
Looked in past tense is incorrect. Also, sealed (as an antonym for hole-y) is a bit off somehow. Consider using solid (or some variation thereof) instead.
Applying text in italics already draws attention, distinguishing it from the words around it. Embellishing further requires another descriptor; "She overly enunciated the last word.", to make sense.
I have no individual suggestions for this excerpt, save to mention it's either highly stylistic, or awkwardly phrased, and I had trouble negotiating comprehension from the paragraph. Sometimes, changing the order (of words) can greatly increase understanding. In my defense, please note that I'm dyslexic, and this can make following from one line to the next a real challenge.
If there were any misspellings, I wouldn't have noticed them if they bit me on the butt. (Very poor speller.) Nor am I particularly gifted with grammar. (See why I'm not an editor?)
*taps chin in thought* While it is righteous and good to strive to improve one's craft, and while I completely understand creative terror (in regards to literary finesse, and the lack thereof), I feel compelled to remind you you're not a bad writer. Everyone can improve. And practice makes for hours and hours of panic attacks and sobbing despair. Also known as "the pursuit of perfection".
As a general suggestion on improving, try listening in on conversations around you. Make up dialogue in your head for the various participants, and see how your creations compare to what's actually said. Imagine yourself in place of one or more of the conversants. Dialogue is a difficult writing muscles to flex - because it carries with it such daunting weight. It helps define and flesh out the characters, carries the plot forward, and imparts specific, possibly crucial information to the reader.
I think your writing would benefit most from dissecting speech patterns and conversational flow. I'm not talking about keeping in character - just striving for organic continuity (to the character, to the situation, and to the plot, in that order).
I wish you well on your endeavors, and hope I did more good than harm.
Cheers!
E.E.
2Entropy EmpathyI preface this with my standard warning: editor am I not, nor have I ever cared to be. For selfish reasons, I found myself moved by your opening expository, recognizing a fellow devotee of hat-tipped, dagger-in-the-dark martyrly perfectionism.
Thus, lacking in common sense (and being a tad touched), I offer the following - to take, or set by the curb for recycling as you see fit.
Looked in past tense is incorrect. Also, sealed (as an antonym for hole-y) is a bit off somehow. Consider using solid (or some variation thereof) instead.
Applying text in italics already draws attention, distinguishing it from the words around it. Embellishing further requires another descriptor; "She overly enunciated the last word.", to make sense.
I have no individual suggestions for this excerpt, save to mention it's either highly stylistic, or awkwardly phrased, and I had trouble negotiating comprehension from the paragraph. Sometimes, changing the order (of words) can greatly increase understanding. In my defense, please note that I'm dyslexic, and this can make following from one line to the next a real challenge.
If there were any misspellings, I wouldn't have noticed them if they bit me on the butt. (Very poor speller.) Nor am I particularly gifted with grammar. (See why I'm not an editor?)
*taps chin in thought* While it is righteous and good to strive to improve one's craft, and while I completely understand creative terror (in regards to literary finesse, and the lack thereof), I feel compelled to remind you you're not a bad writer. Everyone can improve. And practice makes for hours and hours of panic attacks and sobbing despair. Also known as "the pursuit of perfection".
As a general suggestion on improving, try listening in on conversations around you. Make up dialogue in your head for the various participants, and see how your creations compare to what's actually said. Imagine yourself in place of one or more of the conversants. Dialogue is a difficult writing muscles to flex - because it carries with it such daunting weight. It helps define and flesh out the characters, carries the plot forward, and imparts specific, possibly crucial information to the reader.
I think your writing would benefit most from dissecting speech patterns and conversational flow. I'm not talking about keeping in character - just striving for organic continuity (to the character, to the situation, and to the plot, in that order).
I wish you well on your endeavors, and hope I did more good than harm.
Cheers!
E.E.