for The Stolen Wedding12/13/2010 c18 
4EuphemiaXSuzaku4ever
well, that took a while to read, and I loved it!
however, (OH NOES HERE COMES THE CRITISISM!)
Jack is RETARDED to leave his woman alone not once, but twice after she is kidnapped. That was the only thing I didn't like about the story.
Otherwise, it was WICKED-AWESOME. Especially the end where Sally turned out to be the herione. Oh, and I loved the background story. ^_^
4EuphemiaXSuzaku4everwell, that took a while to read, and I loved it!
however, (OH NOES HERE COMES THE CRITISISM!)
Jack is RETARDED to leave his woman alone not once, but twice after she is kidnapped. That was the only thing I didn't like about the story.
Otherwise, it was WICKED-AWESOME. Especially the end where Sally turned out to be the herione. Oh, and I loved the background story. ^_^
10/25/2010 c9 Anonymous reader
I've been reading your story and I have just a few suggestions that would really improve the writing. First of all, you don't really have paragraphs in the chapters. Maybe one or two, but the rest is conversation. Adding actions and adjectives can lengthen your sentences and improve the vocabulary of the story. So instead of 'Solicit smiled darkly' you could say 'Solicit smiled darkly at Sally while the knife in his hand shined with the malice in his heart.'
Also you changed the POV back and forth between first and third person. To be honest I think that you should stick to one point of view. Third person is the easiest, and then for first person view you could just put everything in quotations. Like when Sally described her kidnapping and torture, you could put 'I saw this and that. He then did this to me.' sally said. That way you keep the third person past tense, but you're still able to have characters reflect their own experiences and thoughts.
I also saw that you put author's notes in the middle of the story. It's not a big deal, but it does make the reader stop to read that and then they have to get back into the feel of the story. I guess you could say that they break the spell. Instead you could put a symbol next to what you want to note on, and then at the end of the page, you could say all your notes. Like this: "Sally didn't want to take out her stiches"* And then at the end of the chapter you would put: *It does hurt when Sally's stiches are taken out. When you have multiple notes in one chapter, then use different symbols for each note. Plus I have to disagree with the stiches thing, since she willingly pulled herself apart several times in the movie.
And then of course spelling. It only takes a few minutes to input your writings into a spell check. If you don't have a document program with spell check you can either get open office, which is free online, or search for an online spell check.
I know it seems that I'm picking apart your writing, but everyone starts somewhere. And I am always happy to see people willingly write, wether it's their own stories or fanfiction because it will help you tremendously later on in life. And I must say, even with its faults, I really enjoy this story. I like how you've developed the characters and Solicit's psyche in regards to why he's a psycho. I see that you have 12 stories, so if this is an old one, and my tips are now void, then I must give my appologies ahead of time. And I hope to enjoy your other stories as well.
~Peace
~Anonymous
I've been reading your story and I have just a few suggestions that would really improve the writing. First of all, you don't really have paragraphs in the chapters. Maybe one or two, but the rest is conversation. Adding actions and adjectives can lengthen your sentences and improve the vocabulary of the story. So instead of 'Solicit smiled darkly' you could say 'Solicit smiled darkly at Sally while the knife in his hand shined with the malice in his heart.'
Also you changed the POV back and forth between first and third person. To be honest I think that you should stick to one point of view. Third person is the easiest, and then for first person view you could just put everything in quotations. Like when Sally described her kidnapping and torture, you could put 'I saw this and that. He then did this to me.' sally said. That way you keep the third person past tense, but you're still able to have characters reflect their own experiences and thoughts.
I also saw that you put author's notes in the middle of the story. It's not a big deal, but it does make the reader stop to read that and then they have to get back into the feel of the story. I guess you could say that they break the spell. Instead you could put a symbol next to what you want to note on, and then at the end of the page, you could say all your notes. Like this: "Sally didn't want to take out her stiches"* And then at the end of the chapter you would put: *It does hurt when Sally's stiches are taken out. When you have multiple notes in one chapter, then use different symbols for each note. Plus I have to disagree with the stiches thing, since she willingly pulled herself apart several times in the movie.
And then of course spelling. It only takes a few minutes to input your writings into a spell check. If you don't have a document program with spell check you can either get open office, which is free online, or search for an online spell check.
I know it seems that I'm picking apart your writing, but everyone starts somewhere. And I am always happy to see people willingly write, wether it's their own stories or fanfiction because it will help you tremendously later on in life. And I must say, even with its faults, I really enjoy this story. I like how you've developed the characters and Solicit's psyche in regards to why he's a psycho. I see that you have 12 stories, so if this is an old one, and my tips are now void, then I must give my appologies ahead of time. And I hope to enjoy your other stories as well.
~Peace
~Anonymous
10/1/2010 c18 9Ariel-Mystic-Siren
God this was one of the best stories I have ever read simply amazing. You should be very proud of your work. I hope to read more from you
9Ariel-Mystic-SirenGod this was one of the best stories I have ever read simply amazing. You should be very proud of your work. I hope to read more from you