for Child of Light3/16 c73 Ann6022
I found this fic a couple of days ago, and was pretty soon completely caught up with it, and now, having gobbled it all up, I thought it'd be high time to post some comments.
In short, for lack of a better expression, this is pretty crazy awesome - probably one of the best fanfiction stories I've ever read, if not the best!
To go a bit more into detail... I just love how you've taken the story of NWN2 and given it your own flair, adding interesting twists. The character interaction is also really good, I find your interpretation of Bishop's character particularly interesting. One of the best parts, however, is the main character; Phaedra's a really unique Kalach-Cha, and her character development's nothing short of amazing; it's really awesome how she started out as a very believable 16-year-old, and how the succession of events she's pushed into has forced her to mature and change so much - for better as well as worse.
Seeing the development of your writing was great, as well; though it was really good to begin with, the fluidity of the text has improved a lot, among other things.
Normally, I'm not such a great big fan of novelizing the entirety of a game, but in the case of your fic, I'm really, really glad I gave it a shot, as this goes far beyond merely retelling all the familiar events of the game, and extensive as it is, your story is a really enjoyable one.
Anyways, here are some of my thoughts on the fic, and again, you've done some incredibly awesome work. I'm definitely keeping an eye out for continuation - I actually registered to the site to be able to follow and favorite this - I can barely wait to see how you'll write upcoming events. Keep up the terrific work! :)
I found this fic a couple of days ago, and was pretty soon completely caught up with it, and now, having gobbled it all up, I thought it'd be high time to post some comments.
In short, for lack of a better expression, this is pretty crazy awesome - probably one of the best fanfiction stories I've ever read, if not the best!
To go a bit more into detail... I just love how you've taken the story of NWN2 and given it your own flair, adding interesting twists. The character interaction is also really good, I find your interpretation of Bishop's character particularly interesting. One of the best parts, however, is the main character; Phaedra's a really unique Kalach-Cha, and her character development's nothing short of amazing; it's really awesome how she started out as a very believable 16-year-old, and how the succession of events she's pushed into has forced her to mature and change so much - for better as well as worse.
Seeing the development of your writing was great, as well; though it was really good to begin with, the fluidity of the text has improved a lot, among other things.
Normally, I'm not such a great big fan of novelizing the entirety of a game, but in the case of your fic, I'm really, really glad I gave it a shot, as this goes far beyond merely retelling all the familiar events of the game, and extensive as it is, your story is a really enjoyable one.
Anyways, here are some of my thoughts on the fic, and again, you've done some incredibly awesome work. I'm definitely keeping an eye out for continuation - I actually registered to the site to be able to follow and favorite this - I can barely wait to see how you'll write upcoming events. Keep up the terrific work! :)
3/1 c73 Gaspode
I really admire what you have done here. Once again you have taken a set up riddled with game logic and made it into proper prose. As you said yourself, Jerro's Haven showed so much promise and you have certainly delivered on that and more. This is exactly the reason we write fan fiction and why fan fiction is worthy of reading.
The mood is tense and claustrophobic. You have utilized the devils and demons in the best possible way. I must admit I did miss the dialogue where Hezebel calls Bishop out on his feelings and why he follows the PC, but that's just me being fan girly.
The revelation at the end certainly is a surprise but has it's own twisted logic. I really should have suspected this after how the Haven responded to Phaedra but I assumed it had something to do with her warlock powers.
It is actually a relief that Neshka finally manages to shake off some of her jealousy and bitterness and be the gutsy character we know she is. I think Khelgar agrees. Just as it's nice to see the team working together after having been sundered so long by self interest and envy. I was surprised in the game when Bishop was upset enough by Shandra's death to demand vengeance but who knows what goes on in a mind like his? Perhaps he recognised her value as a companion in his own twisted way. I'm glad you included it here.
You're updates may be slow but there's always so much goodness there all is forgiven.
I really admire what you have done here. Once again you have taken a set up riddled with game logic and made it into proper prose. As you said yourself, Jerro's Haven showed so much promise and you have certainly delivered on that and more. This is exactly the reason we write fan fiction and why fan fiction is worthy of reading.
The mood is tense and claustrophobic. You have utilized the devils and demons in the best possible way. I must admit I did miss the dialogue where Hezebel calls Bishop out on his feelings and why he follows the PC, but that's just me being fan girly.
The revelation at the end certainly is a surprise but has it's own twisted logic. I really should have suspected this after how the Haven responded to Phaedra but I assumed it had something to do with her warlock powers.
It is actually a relief that Neshka finally manages to shake off some of her jealousy and bitterness and be the gutsy character we know she is. I think Khelgar agrees. Just as it's nice to see the team working together after having been sundered so long by self interest and envy. I was surprised in the game when Bishop was upset enough by Shandra's death to demand vengeance but who knows what goes on in a mind like his? Perhaps he recognised her value as a companion in his own twisted way. I'm glad you included it here.
You're updates may be slow but there's always so much goodness there all is forgiven.
12/19/2012 c71 Gaspode
Oh dear, this really is like watching the proverbial train wreck. We all know the blow that is coming and I wonder what it will do to Phaedra.
It is nice to see the impact all this has on Phaedra, properly explored. I always thought there wasn't enough emphasis on how hard the events of NWN 2 are on the PC.
Zhjaeve IS sinister. She's not evil but she does use the PC ruthlessly, as Elanee points out. In Zhjaeve's eyes Phaedra is simply a weapon and if that weapon is destroyed in order to defeat the enemy, so be it. Then again, I agree with Bishop who feels all the companions are using Phaedra to a greater or lesser extent. They are afraid and she is, in a sense, a sacrificial lamb.
Talking of Bishop, I do enjoy his internal battle, trying to convince himself that he's just doing all this because he's a bad **.
A couple of favourites: “She'd become brittle in her struggle not to speak of it.” and “The cost of not being vigilant was too high, and the cost of allowing herself a moment to think would be too much.”
Oh dear, this really is like watching the proverbial train wreck. We all know the blow that is coming and I wonder what it will do to Phaedra.
It is nice to see the impact all this has on Phaedra, properly explored. I always thought there wasn't enough emphasis on how hard the events of NWN 2 are on the PC.
Zhjaeve IS sinister. She's not evil but she does use the PC ruthlessly, as Elanee points out. In Zhjaeve's eyes Phaedra is simply a weapon and if that weapon is destroyed in order to defeat the enemy, so be it. Then again, I agree with Bishop who feels all the companions are using Phaedra to a greater or lesser extent. They are afraid and she is, in a sense, a sacrificial lamb.
Talking of Bishop, I do enjoy his internal battle, trying to convince himself that he's just doing all this because he's a bad **.
A couple of favourites: “She'd become brittle in her struggle not to speak of it.” and “The cost of not being vigilant was too high, and the cost of allowing herself a moment to think would be too much.”
10/11/2012 c1 onion926
I took one look at the word count on this thing and decided immediately to read it. I like the descriptiveness of your writing; however, I think you should invest more in alternate forms of punctuation such as semicolons, colons, dashes, etc. The frequency with which you use commas interferes with the ability to read through a paragraph fluidly. Generally speaking, they are correct the way you have used them, but there are a LOT of run-on sentences. I had to read some stuff over two or three times to figure out where one thought ended and another began. I think some commas could have been left out entirely, despite their correctness, as leaving them out would not have interfered with the intelligibility or meaning of the sentence. This is only the first chapter, though, and I've got another 500,000 words to go! :D
Don't mind the criticism. I proofread legal transcripts for a living - they beat the commas out of us the first two weeks of training, so I admit I'm not used to seeing them so often. Please know I am really looking forward to spending every moment of my spare time sucking this fic in! I'm already going nuts wanting to know who Phaedra will end up with. I personally am a Casavir fan, but it won't kill me if he's not who you had in mind for Phaedra (as long as you're not terribly mean to him - no one seems to like Casavir but me!).
Good job! :)
I took one look at the word count on this thing and decided immediately to read it. I like the descriptiveness of your writing; however, I think you should invest more in alternate forms of punctuation such as semicolons, colons, dashes, etc. The frequency with which you use commas interferes with the ability to read through a paragraph fluidly. Generally speaking, they are correct the way you have used them, but there are a LOT of run-on sentences. I had to read some stuff over two or three times to figure out where one thought ended and another began. I think some commas could have been left out entirely, despite their correctness, as leaving them out would not have interfered with the intelligibility or meaning of the sentence. This is only the first chapter, though, and I've got another 500,000 words to go! :D
Don't mind the criticism. I proofread legal transcripts for a living - they beat the commas out of us the first two weeks of training, so I admit I'm not used to seeing them so often. Please know I am really looking forward to spending every moment of my spare time sucking this fic in! I'm already going nuts wanting to know who Phaedra will end up with. I personally am a Casavir fan, but it won't kill me if he's not who you had in mind for Phaedra (as long as you're not terribly mean to him - no one seems to like Casavir but me!).
Good job! :)
9/3/2012 c70 Gaspode
Apologies for being so slow in my review. I was away for three weeks and then I've discovered that since I began writing my own fan fiction, I have much less time to read. It's ironic really.
Well done to getting Arvahn written, it must have been difficult since there's so much game logic in the constant repetition of the portals and the meeting of the spirits. Yet you could hardly skip it since it's so important for the story. I did enjoy how you brought forward the story of the Guardian. In the game I always thought it was an interesting attempt at making the 'bad guy' more real, someone who wasn't necessarily evil, just lost. Unfortunately it disappeared in the game play, not so here though.
Bishop grumbling about the spells manipulating his bow brought a smile to my face, it was so typical. As was his reaction to getting injured. The expression pig headed comes to mind.
I did like how you had him as the one bringing Phaedra out of West Harbour, it was the logical choice, whether one likes him or not, since he would have been the one who could best distance himself from the tragedy of it. In fact, you're carving out a nice little niche for all the characters, Casavir's almost morbid faith, Elanee's falling apart, Neeshka's bitterness. Last but not the least it's an interesting take on why Phaedra would take Zhjaeve's teachings to heart.
I'm not going to nitpick but you might want to watch how you sometimes revel so much in the language that you end up saying the same thing twice over, only with different words. As always I enjoy the poetry of your writing but sometimes I suspect you get a little carried away.
Apologies for being so slow in my review. I was away for three weeks and then I've discovered that since I began writing my own fan fiction, I have much less time to read. It's ironic really.
Well done to getting Arvahn written, it must have been difficult since there's so much game logic in the constant repetition of the portals and the meeting of the spirits. Yet you could hardly skip it since it's so important for the story. I did enjoy how you brought forward the story of the Guardian. In the game I always thought it was an interesting attempt at making the 'bad guy' more real, someone who wasn't necessarily evil, just lost. Unfortunately it disappeared in the game play, not so here though.
Bishop grumbling about the spells manipulating his bow brought a smile to my face, it was so typical. As was his reaction to getting injured. The expression pig headed comes to mind.
I did like how you had him as the one bringing Phaedra out of West Harbour, it was the logical choice, whether one likes him or not, since he would have been the one who could best distance himself from the tragedy of it. In fact, you're carving out a nice little niche for all the characters, Casavir's almost morbid faith, Elanee's falling apart, Neeshka's bitterness. Last but not the least it's an interesting take on why Phaedra would take Zhjaeve's teachings to heart.
I'm not going to nitpick but you might want to watch how you sometimes revel so much in the language that you end up saying the same thing twice over, only with different words. As always I enjoy the poetry of your writing but sometimes I suspect you get a little carried away.
7/27/2012 c2 
1XxDreamersWishXx
OMG! you are a brilliant writer! You gave life to the characters in this game. you gave them a story, a past, and a more substantial personality. it's amazing! though i never expected the main character, the one you play as, to be shy or quiet or so torn with the descisions or happenings in her life. This is a really great story :D very well written.
1XxDreamersWishXxOMG! you are a brilliant writer! You gave life to the characters in this game. you gave them a story, a past, and a more substantial personality. it's amazing! though i never expected the main character, the one you play as, to be shy or quiet or so torn with the descisions or happenings in her life. This is a really great story :D very well written.
6/20/2012 c67 Ivy Rose Thorn
*whistles* That was amazing... took me a week to read the entire thing. I only read a few chapters at a time. This story... read like a moving painting. Seriously one of the best stories I have read on fanfiction. While I could see a few typos and stuff here or there (mostly in the earlier chapters) I will refrain from hammering them as it seems you have plenty of help with this epic. Honestly I'd ask you to marry me at this point but as the only way to reach me is by PMing my sister Nesselde, I'd rather not give her anymore reasons to try and kill me. She has enough trouble dealing with me as is. I seriously want to thank you for writing this story though and I hope you continue to write in the near future. I had my sister subscribe to your account after I finished the story, so I will check back periodically to see how it progresses.
-Love and thorns
Ivy Rose Thorn
*whistles* That was amazing... took me a week to read the entire thing. I only read a few chapters at a time. This story... read like a moving painting. Seriously one of the best stories I have read on fanfiction. While I could see a few typos and stuff here or there (mostly in the earlier chapters) I will refrain from hammering them as it seems you have plenty of help with this epic. Honestly I'd ask you to marry me at this point but as the only way to reach me is by PMing my sister Nesselde, I'd rather not give her anymore reasons to try and kill me. She has enough trouble dealing with me as is. I seriously want to thank you for writing this story though and I hope you continue to write in the near future. I had my sister subscribe to your account after I finished the story, so I will check back periodically to see how it progresses.
-Love and thorns
Ivy Rose Thorn
5/14/2012 c67 Gaspode
"She told herself that she was past this with Phaedra, that her once-friend no longer had the power to hurt to hurt her but every time she saw Phaedra flitting around the Keep" – to hurt is repeated twice.
"Neeshka reflected privately that it might not be so bad if he did, if some man did, just once, even if it was all a lie. No one had ever even told her she was beautiful." – That’s just heart breaking.
"She's nothing to me, and, Hells-brat, you're less than she is." – As mean and hard as Bishop is I find it hard to believe he’s willing to confirm Neeshka’s suspicions just yet since he still needs her. While she’s still in doubt she will keep helping him but with those words he basically tells her she’s nothing and I can’t believe even Neeshka would continue being his partner in crime then.
There’s lots of very nice character development here. Sand does not come off well. I really found myself despising him here for an arrogant and manipulative snake. The cheek of him to take it upon himself to fire that Grey Cloak and make such arrangements for Phaedra. At first I got frustrated that Phaedra didn’t tell him off but then I realised that it’s perfectly in character since she’s still young and insecure and have no idea of how to be in charge of a military organisation.
Sparks are flying between Bishop and Phaedra. That little scene in her bedroom was very nice.
Elanee is not my favourite but it’s interesting that she’s finally picking up on what’s being done to Phaedra, even though she never realised she once did the same herself. Phaedra is used, she’s the sacrificial lamb and they’re all putting her forward hoping she will save them. It’s a pity Elanee needed to be jealous on order to see this. I think she’s absolutely right when it concerns Zhjaeve. Zhjaeve is a true zealot and all she cares about is stopping the enemy. She has no interest in Phaedra other than as a tool. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Elanee and that’s a first.
All in all a really nice chapter.
"She told herself that she was past this with Phaedra, that her once-friend no longer had the power to hurt to hurt her but every time she saw Phaedra flitting around the Keep" – to hurt is repeated twice.
"Neeshka reflected privately that it might not be so bad if he did, if some man did, just once, even if it was all a lie. No one had ever even told her she was beautiful." – That’s just heart breaking.
"She's nothing to me, and, Hells-brat, you're less than she is." – As mean and hard as Bishop is I find it hard to believe he’s willing to confirm Neeshka’s suspicions just yet since he still needs her. While she’s still in doubt she will keep helping him but with those words he basically tells her she’s nothing and I can’t believe even Neeshka would continue being his partner in crime then.
There’s lots of very nice character development here. Sand does not come off well. I really found myself despising him here for an arrogant and manipulative snake. The cheek of him to take it upon himself to fire that Grey Cloak and make such arrangements for Phaedra. At first I got frustrated that Phaedra didn’t tell him off but then I realised that it’s perfectly in character since she’s still young and insecure and have no idea of how to be in charge of a military organisation.
Sparks are flying between Bishop and Phaedra. That little scene in her bedroom was very nice.
Elanee is not my favourite but it’s interesting that she’s finally picking up on what’s being done to Phaedra, even though she never realised she once did the same herself. Phaedra is used, she’s the sacrificial lamb and they’re all putting her forward hoping she will save them. It’s a pity Elanee needed to be jealous on order to see this. I think she’s absolutely right when it concerns Zhjaeve. Zhjaeve is a true zealot and all she cares about is stopping the enemy. She has no interest in Phaedra other than as a tool. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Elanee and that’s a first.
All in all a really nice chapter.
3/30/2012 c66 Gaspode
As good as always. I’m still reading, still enjoying. It’s good to see Phaedra grow up a bit more.
A few things that stood out:
"Not if I stop it" Phaedra snapped, sick suddenly of arrogant villains, and their endless monologues.” Hah, I wonder how many of us have thought just that.
Hm, an interesting spin on the Garius story arc. “She'll make you love her, before you even realise it’s happening, and then you will be hers." I bet those words comes back to haunt Bishop later. Personally I suspect Garius is thinking as much about Esmerelle as Phaedra at this point.
Zhjaeve is an odd one. I love her voice but dear lord she’s boring. I don’t know why it would be so hard to make someone mystical and yet interesting. Deeply religious people always seem to come off as preachy in these games. Yes Casavir and Elanee, I’m looking at you. You’ve done a good job of making Zhjaeve more interesting and yes, mystical, instead of this slow preachy character that always made me skip forward in the dialogue.
“had Bishop's attitude rubbed off on her a little then?” Absolutely. :-) I wonder if ever Phaedra’s attitude will rub off on him though. He’s a watcher and manipulator but the watching always changes the watcher...
As good as always. I’m still reading, still enjoying. It’s good to see Phaedra grow up a bit more.
A few things that stood out:
"Not if I stop it" Phaedra snapped, sick suddenly of arrogant villains, and their endless monologues.” Hah, I wonder how many of us have thought just that.
Hm, an interesting spin on the Garius story arc. “She'll make you love her, before you even realise it’s happening, and then you will be hers." I bet those words comes back to haunt Bishop later. Personally I suspect Garius is thinking as much about Esmerelle as Phaedra at this point.
Zhjaeve is an odd one. I love her voice but dear lord she’s boring. I don’t know why it would be so hard to make someone mystical and yet interesting. Deeply religious people always seem to come off as preachy in these games. Yes Casavir and Elanee, I’m looking at you. You’ve done a good job of making Zhjaeve more interesting and yes, mystical, instead of this slow preachy character that always made me skip forward in the dialogue.
“had Bishop's attitude rubbed off on her a little then?” Absolutely. :-) I wonder if ever Phaedra’s attitude will rub off on him though. He’s a watcher and manipulator but the watching always changes the watcher...
2/9/2012 c65 Gaspode
A riveting chapter indeed.
Well done on making Garius almost pitiable and creating a nice twist to the story. I also liked the way you wove the events of NWN into all of this. Esmerelle's connection to Garius felt entirely believable.
I smiled a lot reading both Phaedra's and Bishop's desperate attempts at explaining away their mutual attraction. Poor Neeshka is in for an even tougher time, will she ever get a break I wonder? Perhaps she and Casavir should console each other :-)
I did have a bit of a problem with the party's attack on the keep. Just rushing up to the gates, despite the darkness, seemed a bit foolhardy as they're not exactly an army and they had a lot of open ground to cover. Could they not have snuck up to the walls on either side of the gate and just pounced as it opened? Perhaps Vale and co. could have helped to keep them stealthy using magic?
As always I couldn't resist proof reading a bit and came across a few minor things:
“Shandra looked around at the desolate campsite, desolate without Phaedra's presence,” – a bit much ‘desolate’
“It had been going to happen for a little while now,” – there’s something not quite right with this
“it had no sleeves, going in fact under her arms, and baring her shoulders entirely,”...” It left her shoulders and arms entirely bare, and plunged...” – just a repeat of the description
“he and Karnwyr were going to have to lay back and enjoy the view”...” It was night, and Crossroad Keep lay back in the darkness” – the second lay back sounds odd and repetitive, how about just ‘lay’
“It wasn't really any different from going to get Karnwyr that time so she forgot about what Melia had told her” – Shouldn’t it be Malin?
Sorry about this but it's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction especially since I'm helping a friend with a story now too. Anyway I wouldn't bother commenting if I didn't like it.
A riveting chapter indeed.
Well done on making Garius almost pitiable and creating a nice twist to the story. I also liked the way you wove the events of NWN into all of this. Esmerelle's connection to Garius felt entirely believable.
I smiled a lot reading both Phaedra's and Bishop's desperate attempts at explaining away their mutual attraction. Poor Neeshka is in for an even tougher time, will she ever get a break I wonder? Perhaps she and Casavir should console each other :-)
I did have a bit of a problem with the party's attack on the keep. Just rushing up to the gates, despite the darkness, seemed a bit foolhardy as they're not exactly an army and they had a lot of open ground to cover. Could they not have snuck up to the walls on either side of the gate and just pounced as it opened? Perhaps Vale and co. could have helped to keep them stealthy using magic?
As always I couldn't resist proof reading a bit and came across a few minor things:
“Shandra looked around at the desolate campsite, desolate without Phaedra's presence,” – a bit much ‘desolate’
“It had been going to happen for a little while now,” – there’s something not quite right with this
“it had no sleeves, going in fact under her arms, and baring her shoulders entirely,”...” It left her shoulders and arms entirely bare, and plunged...” – just a repeat of the description
“he and Karnwyr were going to have to lay back and enjoy the view”...” It was night, and Crossroad Keep lay back in the darkness” – the second lay back sounds odd and repetitive, how about just ‘lay’
“It wasn't really any different from going to get Karnwyr that time so she forgot about what Melia had told her” – Shouldn’t it be Malin?
Sorry about this but it's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction especially since I'm helping a friend with a story now too. Anyway I wouldn't bother commenting if I didn't like it.
2/4/2012 c65 Lynn Pintel
Yay another chapter! It was so exciting! Bishop's rescue was awesome! Can't wait for more!
Yay another chapter! It was so exciting! Bishop's rescue was awesome! Can't wait for more!
2/1/2012 c10 pacificuser
I'm a kid again,fresh out of primary school playing dungeons and dragons... this is how your story makes me feel...
I'm a kid again,fresh out of primary school playing dungeons and dragons... this is how your story makes me feel...
1/25/2012 c1 pacificuser
this is very good,admitedly,I've only read until chapter 12,I can tell its pretty good. My only real problem is the need for lots of proof-reading to make it more-readable. Also a bit more of "action" to capture the adventuring spirit of the game!
this is very good,admitedly,I've only read until chapter 12,I can tell its pretty good. My only real problem is the need for lots of proof-reading to make it more-readable. Also a bit more of "action" to capture the adventuring spirit of the game!
1/6/2012 c64 Gaspode
It was a Christmas delight to get two updates so close together. I really didn’t’ have much to say about the previous chapter except that it was a worthy send off for another of your amazingly well crafted characters, Cormick.
There are several things that bring a smile to my face in this latest chapter. For the first time we get a little bit more insight into how Sand works and I’m happy to say he does not disappoint. He’s wonderfully scheming and ambitious to the point of being two faced, just as I suspect he was intended in the game before so much was cut. His words about everybody following him, the new glorious leader, whenever the player takes control of his character in the game, points to somebody with ambition of megalomaniac proportions.
Sydney Natale is a bizarre character and I can’t help but to wonder what the intentions were with her originally. She’s so different and unusual that it feels like they had plans for her that sadly where scrapped. I enjoyed your interpretation of her.
Casavir’s background is finally presented and it’s as well written as I’ve come to expect from you. It doesn’t make him more likeable in my eyes, intensely religious people make me nervous, but it makes him more pitiable and certainly more human.
Oh, and that lovely moment with Karnwyr, softie indeed. A good moment for us dog lovers. I can’t help but to wonder what suddenly got into the wolf. I also feel just a tad bit sorry for Bishop having Karnwyr suddenly turn on him since the wolf is the only one he trusts.
And finally oh dear, yes Phaedra really should have listened to Bishop. If he’s involved in helping her out of this one, and I can’t imagine him passing up on the opportunity to kick Luskan butt, she’ll never live it down.
It was a Christmas delight to get two updates so close together. I really didn’t’ have much to say about the previous chapter except that it was a worthy send off for another of your amazingly well crafted characters, Cormick.
There are several things that bring a smile to my face in this latest chapter. For the first time we get a little bit more insight into how Sand works and I’m happy to say he does not disappoint. He’s wonderfully scheming and ambitious to the point of being two faced, just as I suspect he was intended in the game before so much was cut. His words about everybody following him, the new glorious leader, whenever the player takes control of his character in the game, points to somebody with ambition of megalomaniac proportions.
Sydney Natale is a bizarre character and I can’t help but to wonder what the intentions were with her originally. She’s so different and unusual that it feels like they had plans for her that sadly where scrapped. I enjoyed your interpretation of her.
Casavir’s background is finally presented and it’s as well written as I’ve come to expect from you. It doesn’t make him more likeable in my eyes, intensely religious people make me nervous, but it makes him more pitiable and certainly more human.
Oh, and that lovely moment with Karnwyr, softie indeed. A good moment for us dog lovers. I can’t help but to wonder what suddenly got into the wolf. I also feel just a tad bit sorry for Bishop having Karnwyr suddenly turn on him since the wolf is the only one he trusts.
And finally oh dear, yes Phaedra really should have listened to Bishop. If he’s involved in helping her out of this one, and I can’t imagine him passing up on the opportunity to kick Luskan butt, she’ll never live it down.
11/18/2011 c62 Gaspode
“To return to where you were meant to be home, and find it so changed...” – I experienced similar feelings the first few years going back to visit my family in Sweden, not because terrible things had happened but because when you spend so much time feeling homesick, the real ‘home’ just don’t live up to your expectations once you return and you’re invariably disappointed. Suddenly home isn’t where or what it used to be. I recognise a lot of what Phaedra feels in these latest chapters. Very nicely done.
“So long as there was no competition around them this time, she'd just get this done and over with, no matter what Bishop thought he wanted from this” – and two paragraph down you have “So she decided she might as well get this over with, get the teasing and casual insults done” – The wording is not the same but it feels like you’re saying the same thing twice, especially as Phaedra also says “Fine, let's get this over with" in the previous paragraph.
The growing tension between Bishop and Phaedra is masterfully done, that moment as he helps her to fire her bow almost makes you hold your breath. The icing on the cake is the brief description of how he seemingly instinctively protects her as the undead first attacks.
I’m glad you haven’t forgotten that little bargain between Bishop and Phaedra, concerning Black Garius. I think the way Bishop’s brutal directness strips away all pretences is one of the things that makes him an intriguing character. His reasons for being so direct may be to provoke or annoy but it also enforces a kind of twisted honesty. Phaedra would do well to perhaps tell him something in this case.
“Let him say his peace.” – Should it be ‘piece’?
"Everyone about her calls to a man like you" – ‘Everything about her calls to a man like you’?
At last Casavir gets to show a bit of back bone, and he does well too. His observations concerning Bishop are all very spot on. I think his mistake is that he simplifies the ranger too much; he’s not the usual mindless bully but a bully with brains and not a simple one. It will be interesting to see how their conflict proceeds. I’m glad to see that you manage to present Casavir’s faith, not as something stuffy and preachy but something that gains him insight and strength. His decision to trust Phaedra rather than constantly try to convince her of Bishop’s evil gained him many brownie points in my book.
“To return to where you were meant to be home, and find it so changed...” – I experienced similar feelings the first few years going back to visit my family in Sweden, not because terrible things had happened but because when you spend so much time feeling homesick, the real ‘home’ just don’t live up to your expectations once you return and you’re invariably disappointed. Suddenly home isn’t where or what it used to be. I recognise a lot of what Phaedra feels in these latest chapters. Very nicely done.
“So long as there was no competition around them this time, she'd just get this done and over with, no matter what Bishop thought he wanted from this” – and two paragraph down you have “So she decided she might as well get this over with, get the teasing and casual insults done” – The wording is not the same but it feels like you’re saying the same thing twice, especially as Phaedra also says “Fine, let's get this over with" in the previous paragraph.
The growing tension between Bishop and Phaedra is masterfully done, that moment as he helps her to fire her bow almost makes you hold your breath. The icing on the cake is the brief description of how he seemingly instinctively protects her as the undead first attacks.
I’m glad you haven’t forgotten that little bargain between Bishop and Phaedra, concerning Black Garius. I think the way Bishop’s brutal directness strips away all pretences is one of the things that makes him an intriguing character. His reasons for being so direct may be to provoke or annoy but it also enforces a kind of twisted honesty. Phaedra would do well to perhaps tell him something in this case.
“Let him say his peace.” – Should it be ‘piece’?
"Everyone about her calls to a man like you" – ‘Everything about her calls to a man like you’?
At last Casavir gets to show a bit of back bone, and he does well too. His observations concerning Bishop are all very spot on. I think his mistake is that he simplifies the ranger too much; he’s not the usual mindless bully but a bully with brains and not a simple one. It will be interesting to see how their conflict proceeds. I’m glad to see that you manage to present Casavir’s faith, not as something stuffy and preachy but something that gains him insight and strength. His decision to trust Phaedra rather than constantly try to convince her of Bishop’s evil gained him many brownie points in my book.