5/21/2010 c1 22rednightmare
What a vivid visualization of the Bloodlines Embrace! I wasn't expecting the ending twist, at all... could this be the same Camarilla criminal we witness in the beginning of the game, itself? I'm eager to see where that's going to go!

You do a nice job of expanding your scenes; they are visual and appeal to the senses. Great level of descrption for an introductory chapter. Also, I think your quick "overview" of how Rose explained Jyhad to Batzu is very well-executed. Oh! One more thing: great entry line.

The one thing I'd suggest is to tweak a bit of Batzu's dialogue to make it seem more realistic. I don't know if it's quite appropriate for a "modern" person who has just been Embraced to react so calmly and ornately - saying "m'lady," for example(even if he is a theatre major). I'd say the more decorated language is fine for Rose, because she's older than he (and Victorian in style).

Looking forward to more!

P.S. Really quick teensy fix for a small typo on the summary: "Ankaran Sarcophagus"