for Liquorice Allsorts2/22 c1 elemout
Wow, this was very creepy and reminded me of the saying, "It's always the quite ones." I do like that Vincent isn't just an ogreish idiot as he is often portrayed but instead is someone showing signs of sociopathic behavior (unable to feel many emotions besides hate). I also liked the detail of how they mocked Hermione's essay. This was almost a profile of why Crabbe seems so vacant all the time, because he isn't quite there.
Wow, this was very creepy and reminded me of the saying, "It's always the quite ones." I do like that Vincent isn't just an ogreish idiot as he is often portrayed but instead is someone showing signs of sociopathic behavior (unable to feel many emotions besides hate). I also liked the detail of how they mocked Hermione's essay. This was almost a profile of why Crabbe seems so vacant all the time, because he isn't quite there.
2/21 c6 
82starlight.moon.princess
Another very nice one.
I love the way you've shown the difference between Gabrielle's imagination and the reality. The fact that she falls for Dennis even though they've only met twice is adorable :)
[Okay, she thinks shakily. Maybe there might be a spark.] This is a gorgeous end :)
Just a bit of concrit:
["I'm sorry!" she would say;
"Don't I know you?";] I'm not sure the semi-colons need to be there. The lines flow better as complete sentences, according to me. But you don't need to take my word for it - I could be completely off the mark there.
82starlight.moon.princessAnother very nice one.
I love the way you've shown the difference between Gabrielle's imagination and the reality. The fact that she falls for Dennis even though they've only met twice is adorable :)
[Okay, she thinks shakily. Maybe there might be a spark.] This is a gorgeous end :)
Just a bit of concrit:
["I'm sorry!" she would say;
"Don't I know you?";] I'm not sure the semi-colons need to be there. The lines flow better as complete sentences, according to me. But you don't need to take my word for it - I could be completely off the mark there.
2/21 c5 starlight.moon.princess
This is an interesting pairing :)
[day one of phase pissing-off-her-parents with unsuitable profession] This line just stuck with me for some reason. Combined with how you repeat it later on in the drabble, I think it really shows how much the Slytherins changed - were forced to change - after the war. I also loved [the taste of the forbidden that appealed] because you've also managed to show how much the Slytherins were controlled by their parents.
I'm not syre about the love triangle, so I won't say anything about that...but overall, well done! :)
This is an interesting pairing :)
[day one of phase pissing-off-her-parents with unsuitable profession] This line just stuck with me for some reason. Combined with how you repeat it later on in the drabble, I think it really shows how much the Slytherins changed - were forced to change - after the war. I also loved [the taste of the forbidden that appealed] because you've also managed to show how much the Slytherins were controlled by their parents.
I'm not syre about the love triangle, so I won't say anything about that...but overall, well done! :)
2/21 c4 starlight.moon.princess
Gah. I need to go to bed, and these just keep drawing me in...
Adorable drabble :) I love the play on "rival," and how you've made it light instead of serious.
The first part made me laugh. Sneaky boys...though I'm sure the girls saw through it :)
[Well, now they know it.] I loved the repetition, and how the four of them make their own little contests out of the smallest things - like tossing the most number of gnomes, or giving birth first.
Gah. I need to go to bed, and these just keep drawing me in...
Adorable drabble :) I love the play on "rival," and how you've made it light instead of serious.
The first part made me laugh. Sneaky boys...though I'm sure the girls saw through it :)
[Well, now they know it.] I loved the repetition, and how the four of them make their own little contests out of the smallest things - like tossing the most number of gnomes, or giving birth first.
2/21 c3 starlight.moon.princess
This is adorable :)
[though it's a lie, he says, "Don't worry, Vic. I don't like them, either."
After that day, he never eats a strawberry again.] I just aww'd. It's lovely what a parent will do for their child, and I think you've written it beautifully.
Sorry for the short review, I just find this perfect as it is, without analyzing it too much.
This is adorable :)
[though it's a lie, he says, "Don't worry, Vic. I don't like them, either."
After that day, he never eats a strawberry again.] I just aww'd. It's lovely what a parent will do for their child, and I think you've written it beautifully.
Sorry for the short review, I just find this perfect as it is, without analyzing it too much.
2/21 c2 starlight.moon.princess
54 word drabbles sounds like a challenge...
To start:
I love that you've used a number of neglected pairings. NicholasPrenelle, PercivalKendra, even NevilleHannah - they all seem to slip through the minds of a number of writers.
This first drabble - I find it really interesting that you've made Prenelle a Muggle. It's an interesting twist to their story - and it allows for that little hint of angst beautifully.
The Myrtle/Tom drabble was brilliant. I've read one story with the pairing before, and I thought it was really interesting. Again, an interesting twist, having her say the words to be cruel.
The AndromedaLuciusTed one interested me the most for some reason. At first it seems as though Lucius is just the cold one and then [it's easy to kid herself that he must just have wanted blond children. Cards burn easily, too.] And I have to wonder if he loved her too.
Overall, a brilliant collection of little stories :)
54 word drabbles sounds like a challenge...
To start:
I love that you've used a number of neglected pairings. NicholasPrenelle, PercivalKendra, even NevilleHannah - they all seem to slip through the minds of a number of writers.
This first drabble - I find it really interesting that you've made Prenelle a Muggle. It's an interesting twist to their story - and it allows for that little hint of angst beautifully.
The Myrtle/Tom drabble was brilliant. I've read one story with the pairing before, and I thought it was really interesting. Again, an interesting twist, having her say the words to be cruel.
The AndromedaLuciusTed one interested me the most for some reason. At first it seems as though Lucius is just the cold one and then [it's easy to kid herself that he must just have wanted blond children. Cards burn easily, too.] And I have to wonder if he loved her too.
Overall, a brilliant collection of little stories :)
2/21 c1 starlight.moon.princess
This - I know the ending is supposed to be horrifying, but you've made me really empathise with Crabbe here. It's a lovely twist on why he turned to torturing others under the Carrow's reign.
[Just watch them squirm, Vincent, just watch their eyes shine with tears.] This just blew me away. Along with this: [And the people whom he hurt, once so doubting of him, were awed by the power he wielded.] it's all the reasons Crabbe needed to go a bit insane.
Sorry, I don't have any concrit here. Brilliant job :)
This - I know the ending is supposed to be horrifying, but you've made me really empathise with Crabbe here. It's a lovely twist on why he turned to torturing others under the Carrow's reign.
[Just watch them squirm, Vincent, just watch their eyes shine with tears.] This just blew me away. Along with this: [And the people whom he hurt, once so doubting of him, were awed by the power he wielded.] it's all the reasons Crabbe needed to go a bit insane.
Sorry, I don't have any concrit here. Brilliant job :)
2/20 c2 41XStrawberryDuckFeathersX
. . . First mini-drabble . . .
I love the beginning line of this one. The word 'confesses' makes me feel as if he's been hiding that he's a wizard for a very long time, and the ellipsis makes it seem like he was a bit reluctant to tell the other person. The 'everything you fear' at first makes me feel as if he's known this person for a while, and needs to tell them this, since it might possibly cause problems in their friendship or their romantic relationship...
The 'you are my husband' line was something I found really sweet, as if she wasn't bothered by this at all, and that he doesn't need to worry- his being a wizard won't change anything in their relationship. :)
That's very true, that quote at the end, too. :) I love the repetition of 'I love you'- it reinforces his love for her really well-or maybe it's like they're saying to each other. :)
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Second mini-drabble . . .
I like how the line has no dialogue tag- it gives a certain eerieness to it, like you don't know who's talking. Then again, the words clarify that it's some kind of judge, so the lack of dialogue tags gives it a very dramatic feel, and gives you the feeling the accused must be feeling- bloody frightened. :O
I'm wondering if that blank-eyed stare is worry, or possibly disbelief. :O
That last line is really sweet- at first, it feels like the accused deserved to get in trouble for what he did, but upon finding out that he did that to help protect his children, it's very sweet. I love reading about sweet family relationships like that. :)
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Third mini-drabble . . .
That first line clearly kicks in with exactly what's going on- Myrtle seems very let-down by her lover. :( However, she seems quite sneaky, the way she holds back her true feelings for him. Maybe she's too afraid to tell him how she really feels, like she worries about what would happen, should she ever insult Tom...
It seems like being a ghost must be extremely boring, so I'm guessing the wickedness breaks the monotony a little, or maybe she's getting revenge on the living for what they may have done to her when she was alive! I remember saying she was heckled quite often in one of the books.
The ending implies that it's not all fun and games though- she might be a ghost, but she still feels the emotions just as well as those who are living. :(
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Fourth mini-drabble . . .
I like hoq you used the power-of-three technique with 'Cards, flowers and flattery.' in this case, it makes it seem like the character thinking this thinks of Valentine's Day as nothing but a waste of money.
The way it's written, it seems she isn't really all that into her relationship or Valentines' day in general. I suppose the burning cards can be seen as a symbol of artificial love burning away and revealing true love, or maybe that he pours his heart out to her in a card, but love so strong can easily fade away over time. :O Maybe that's what worries Andromeda.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Fifth mini-drabble . . .
I love that dramatic opening to this one. :D
I like how you use Lily's name a lot in this one, since it emphasises that the blame falls on her shoulders. That ending had so many possibilities, and I loved it! :D I'm not sure what I think happened after, though... maybe she wants to tell him she still loves him, even after all of their arguments.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Sixth mini-drabble . . .
Hmm...to me, that assuring tone sounds kind of like he can't ensure that she won't get attacked, but it seems he's just trying to put her at ease, even though he knows the kind of risk his child is at. :( The last line is very sweet too. :) The 'outgrowing' grief reminds me of Luna herself, as she seems to have overcome the majority of her grief over her mother's death very well. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Seventh mini-drabble . . .
I like how the closing of the eyes seems to show that he's deep in though here. :) That's a nice touch. It seems that there's something quite sad going on between the two at the moment. :( It's sad how he just couldn't tell him how much he cared about him, too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . eight mini-drabble . . .
Aww, Neville seems so happy in the garden here. It's also strange how someone likes hard work, so it gives him a nice hard-working attitude. :) It's also nice how it seems like Neville is more understanding than most, since he understands a member of the house that not many seem to understands. It's like she feels like he recognises who she really is. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . ninth mini-drabble . . .
Aww, it seems that Lily's grown to Teddy quite a lot, but she feels that she can't. :( It's strange how, after all the holding back, she eventually ends up blushing anyway, and it seems that she just doesn't mind. After all, she's already blushed and hinted at her feelings for him anyway. : This was excellent! It's amazing how much emotion and characterisation you can pack into a few words like that. Excellent job! :)
If you don't mind me asking, can you please make more mini-drabbles at some point when you have the time, please? :)
Keep up the good work! :D
41XStrawberryDuckFeathersX. . . First mini-drabble . . .
I love the beginning line of this one. The word 'confesses' makes me feel as if he's been hiding that he's a wizard for a very long time, and the ellipsis makes it seem like he was a bit reluctant to tell the other person. The 'everything you fear' at first makes me feel as if he's known this person for a while, and needs to tell them this, since it might possibly cause problems in their friendship or their romantic relationship...
The 'you are my husband' line was something I found really sweet, as if she wasn't bothered by this at all, and that he doesn't need to worry- his being a wizard won't change anything in their relationship. :)
That's very true, that quote at the end, too. :) I love the repetition of 'I love you'- it reinforces his love for her really well-or maybe it's like they're saying to each other. :)
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Second mini-drabble . . .
I like how the line has no dialogue tag- it gives a certain eerieness to it, like you don't know who's talking. Then again, the words clarify that it's some kind of judge, so the lack of dialogue tags gives it a very dramatic feel, and gives you the feeling the accused must be feeling- bloody frightened. :O
I'm wondering if that blank-eyed stare is worry, or possibly disbelief. :O
That last line is really sweet- at first, it feels like the accused deserved to get in trouble for what he did, but upon finding out that he did that to help protect his children, it's very sweet. I love reading about sweet family relationships like that. :)
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Third mini-drabble . . .
That first line clearly kicks in with exactly what's going on- Myrtle seems very let-down by her lover. :( However, she seems quite sneaky, the way she holds back her true feelings for him. Maybe she's too afraid to tell him how she really feels, like she worries about what would happen, should she ever insult Tom...
It seems like being a ghost must be extremely boring, so I'm guessing the wickedness breaks the monotony a little, or maybe she's getting revenge on the living for what they may have done to her when she was alive! I remember saying she was heckled quite often in one of the books.
The ending implies that it's not all fun and games though- she might be a ghost, but she still feels the emotions just as well as those who are living. :(
Sorry, I have no critique/suggestions for this piece. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Fourth mini-drabble . . .
I like hoq you used the power-of-three technique with 'Cards, flowers and flattery.' in this case, it makes it seem like the character thinking this thinks of Valentine's Day as nothing but a waste of money.
The way it's written, it seems she isn't really all that into her relationship or Valentines' day in general. I suppose the burning cards can be seen as a symbol of artificial love burning away and revealing true love, or maybe that he pours his heart out to her in a card, but love so strong can easily fade away over time. :O Maybe that's what worries Andromeda.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Fifth mini-drabble . . .
I love that dramatic opening to this one. :D
I like how you use Lily's name a lot in this one, since it emphasises that the blame falls on her shoulders. That ending had so many possibilities, and I loved it! :D I'm not sure what I think happened after, though... maybe she wants to tell him she still loves him, even after all of their arguments.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Sixth mini-drabble . . .
Hmm...to me, that assuring tone sounds kind of like he can't ensure that she won't get attacked, but it seems he's just trying to put her at ease, even though he knows the kind of risk his child is at. :( The last line is very sweet too. :) The 'outgrowing' grief reminds me of Luna herself, as she seems to have overcome the majority of her grief over her mother's death very well. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . Seventh mini-drabble . . .
I like how the closing of the eyes seems to show that he's deep in though here. :) That's a nice touch. It seems that there's something quite sad going on between the two at the moment. :( It's sad how he just couldn't tell him how much he cared about him, too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . eight mini-drabble . . .
Aww, Neville seems so happy in the garden here. It's also strange how someone likes hard work, so it gives him a nice hard-working attitude. :) It's also nice how it seems like Neville is more understanding than most, since he understands a member of the house that not many seem to understands. It's like she feels like he recognises who she really is. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
. . . ninth mini-drabble . . .
Aww, it seems that Lily's grown to Teddy quite a lot, but she feels that she can't. :( It's strange how, after all the holding back, she eventually ends up blushing anyway, and it seems that she just doesn't mind. After all, she's already blushed and hinted at her feelings for him anyway. : This was excellent! It's amazing how much emotion and characterisation you can pack into a few words like that. Excellent job! :)
If you don't mind me asking, can you please make more mini-drabbles at some point when you have the time, please? :)
Keep up the good work! :D
2/16 c2 13AnneNevilleReviews
Wow—a 52 word drabble challenge—that is DEFINITELY going to be difficult. And . . . fun!
1. This Nicholas/Perenelle scene is lovely . . . it piques my curiosity (why does she differentiate between wizard & husband, why not both at once?) and the repetition of the “I love yous” at the end is haunting.
2. The detail that it's the force of indirect address that really hits Percival is poignant. I do, however, find myself wondering who Kendra is. It's so hard to ask for anything extra when the limit is 54 words, but I do wish I knew more about her. I'm assuming she's one of his children?
3. Myrtle's drabble gave me shivers from head to toe. I cannot think of anything that could have been done differently or would have added power to this story. It's perfect.
4. This hint at an Andromeda/Lucius relationship intrigues me, but I find it a little hard to follow. Is Andromeda piqued because he moves on to Narcissa? What color is Andromeda's hair? You might have a few filler words in here that could be altered to clarify the turning point in this drabble... just a thought.
5. I like the imagery you use here—the hair blowing in the breeze, the hand-twisting. I also like the way you leave Lily's line at the end incomplete, so we readers can fill it in. And how perceptive that James, with all his bravado, would make Lily speak first . . .
6. [Xenophilius assures his shy daughter, instead of begging her to stay.] I think the comma is unnecessary . . . however, once again you've achieved a lot with so few words. I wonder why Xenophilius finds it so hard to say he loves his daughter . . .
7. This is the first drabble in the bunch that I felt ended on an incomplete note. I'm not sure I understand exactly what Sirius is about to say, not like I knew what Lily was about to express. I'm not sure where you'd find the words to address this, or if I should be connecting the dots more perfectly because of the hints in canon. Nevertheless, the concept behind this drabble is lovely. Confession leads to catharsis. Love between friends.
8. THIS. THIS. I think this is my favorite so far. You've captured Neville in a nutshell, and Hannah's observation that he understands what it means to be a Hufflepuff does so much to capture their relationship. I also adore that Neville loves hard work (a non-living thing!). A nice departure from all that came above.
9. Aww. I like the hesitation, and Lily's compromise—the way she changes what she was going to say, because confessing she loves him is just too hard. Like some of the above, I can't think of anything to criticize or any way this drabble could be improved.
This is a lovely, poetic, and poignant collection. I am impressed that you pulled off so much with so little to work with. Thank you for this story.
13AnneNevilleReviewsWow—a 52 word drabble challenge—that is DEFINITELY going to be difficult. And . . . fun!
1. This Nicholas/Perenelle scene is lovely . . . it piques my curiosity (why does she differentiate between wizard & husband, why not both at once?) and the repetition of the “I love yous” at the end is haunting.
2. The detail that it's the force of indirect address that really hits Percival is poignant. I do, however, find myself wondering who Kendra is. It's so hard to ask for anything extra when the limit is 54 words, but I do wish I knew more about her. I'm assuming she's one of his children?
3. Myrtle's drabble gave me shivers from head to toe. I cannot think of anything that could have been done differently or would have added power to this story. It's perfect.
4. This hint at an Andromeda/Lucius relationship intrigues me, but I find it a little hard to follow. Is Andromeda piqued because he moves on to Narcissa? What color is Andromeda's hair? You might have a few filler words in here that could be altered to clarify the turning point in this drabble... just a thought.
5. I like the imagery you use here—the hair blowing in the breeze, the hand-twisting. I also like the way you leave Lily's line at the end incomplete, so we readers can fill it in. And how perceptive that James, with all his bravado, would make Lily speak first . . .
6. [Xenophilius assures his shy daughter, instead of begging her to stay.] I think the comma is unnecessary . . . however, once again you've achieved a lot with so few words. I wonder why Xenophilius finds it so hard to say he loves his daughter . . .
7. This is the first drabble in the bunch that I felt ended on an incomplete note. I'm not sure I understand exactly what Sirius is about to say, not like I knew what Lily was about to express. I'm not sure where you'd find the words to address this, or if I should be connecting the dots more perfectly because of the hints in canon. Nevertheless, the concept behind this drabble is lovely. Confession leads to catharsis. Love between friends.
8. THIS. THIS. I think this is my favorite so far. You've captured Neville in a nutshell, and Hannah's observation that he understands what it means to be a Hufflepuff does so much to capture their relationship. I also adore that Neville loves hard work (a non-living thing!). A nice departure from all that came above.
9. Aww. I like the hesitation, and Lily's compromise—the way she changes what she was going to say, because confessing she loves him is just too hard. Like some of the above, I can't think of anything to criticize or any way this drabble could be improved.
This is a lovely, poetic, and poignant collection. I am impressed that you pulled off so much with so little to work with. Thank you for this story.
2/3 c1 41XStrawberryDuckFeathersX
I feel quite sorry for Crabbe here. You've portrayed him as feeling rather miserable and quite emotionally numb, in a sense, and it seems that the teachers are just putting him down even further. He seems to feel singled-out since everyone else has experiences, and he doesn't. :(
I love that ending- at first, I thought his 'remarkable experience' would be doing something good, but then he goes on to start hurting his classmates. :O It's amazing, since we think 'NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!' , but he takes pride in it. :O Maybe his life would have been better without those experiences after all...Great job! :D
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Here are the sentences I found particularly effective. :)
. (A remarkable experience?) This question being the first line of the story makes us want to read on to find out whether it was actually a good experience or not. It really engages the reader. :)
. (Vincent Crabbe couldn't say he'd had one.) I love how you've worded this- it comes across in the style that shows he's quite miserable or not really bothered, and I like how this could suggest more than one thing- maybe he's a moody person,a gloomy person, or just not bothered about remarkable experiences. :)
. (who would reluctantly part with their remarkable experiences) The italic 'their' seems to imply jealousy, so maybe Crabbe is envious of the experiences his friends have, and that's why he parrots them- because he wishes he had their experiences.
. (Would you... come to the Ball with me?) I'm assuming this might be one of his wishes for someone to go to the ball with him, but seeing as he doesn't have those remarkable experiences, that might hold him back. :(
. (But instead he felt... nothing much.) Aww, it's like the ellipsis was him waiting for something to happen...but it didn't. It's actually really sad, since he's so let-down about it. :(
. (It was all about what you did and said, not what you wanted or needed or thought.) It makes it seem like he doesn't feel like he's allowed his own feelings inside. Maybe it shows that everyone takes him for what he's like on the outside, but not on the inside?
. (but he was used to it. There was nothing remarkable about it. ) So maybe Crabbe does have remarkable experiences, and he's maybe a little ungrateful? I love all of the different interpretations you can have for this. :)
. (Vincent, what is the meaning of this report?) Aww, so it might possibly be people putting him down that;s making him feel pretty down about himself. :(
. (Until now.) I love the repetition of this. It's like he's putting his foot down, like his character is developing to know that he is capable, that he can have remarkable experiences. :)
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Sorry,but I don't have any critique/suggestions for this piece. It was amazing. Keep up the good work! :D
41XStrawberryDuckFeathersXI feel quite sorry for Crabbe here. You've portrayed him as feeling rather miserable and quite emotionally numb, in a sense, and it seems that the teachers are just putting him down even further. He seems to feel singled-out since everyone else has experiences, and he doesn't. :(
I love that ending- at first, I thought his 'remarkable experience' would be doing something good, but then he goes on to start hurting his classmates. :O It's amazing, since we think 'NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!' , but he takes pride in it. :O Maybe his life would have been better without those experiences after all...Great job! :D
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here are the sentences I found particularly effective. :)
. (A remarkable experience?) This question being the first line of the story makes us want to read on to find out whether it was actually a good experience or not. It really engages the reader. :)
. (Vincent Crabbe couldn't say he'd had one.) I love how you've worded this- it comes across in the style that shows he's quite miserable or not really bothered, and I like how this could suggest more than one thing- maybe he's a moody person,a gloomy person, or just not bothered about remarkable experiences. :)
. (who would reluctantly part with their remarkable experiences) The italic 'their' seems to imply jealousy, so maybe Crabbe is envious of the experiences his friends have, and that's why he parrots them- because he wishes he had their experiences.
. (Would you... come to the Ball with me?) I'm assuming this might be one of his wishes for someone to go to the ball with him, but seeing as he doesn't have those remarkable experiences, that might hold him back. :(
. (But instead he felt... nothing much.) Aww, it's like the ellipsis was him waiting for something to happen...but it didn't. It's actually really sad, since he's so let-down about it. :(
. (It was all about what you did and said, not what you wanted or needed or thought.) It makes it seem like he doesn't feel like he's allowed his own feelings inside. Maybe it shows that everyone takes him for what he's like on the outside, but not on the inside?
. (but he was used to it. There was nothing remarkable about it. ) So maybe Crabbe does have remarkable experiences, and he's maybe a little ungrateful? I love all of the different interpretations you can have for this. :)
. (Vincent, what is the meaning of this report?) Aww, so it might possibly be people putting him down that;s making him feel pretty down about himself. :(
. (Until now.) I love the repetition of this. It's like he's putting his foot down, like his character is developing to know that he is capable, that he can have remarkable experiences. :)
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Sorry,but I don't have any critique/suggestions for this piece. It was amazing. Keep up the good work! :D
1/17 c1 13AnneNevilleReviews
Wow. This gives me the shivers. At first, I felt pity for Vincent. Then, as I got to the part where he learned about hate, I got worried. And the end is absolutely chilling-and realistic for what we know about Crabbe and his behavior in the Room of Requirement in DH.
I can't find much to give concrit on. Only two things stuck out. First, in this fragment of a sentence "of once, and mocked endlessly"-I don't the structure quite works. Either you need to have "and then mocked endlessly" after the comma, or you probably should put "once" in a different place, again taking out the comma. The other thing I noticed was "Vincent, what is the meaning of this report?" Since it's neither in quotation marks nor in italics, I can't figure out if it is a teacher talking to him, or his own internal monologue, mocking a teacher's words . . .
Again, I enjoyed this story . . . it's well structured and creepy. In a good, good way.
13AnneNevilleReviewsWow. This gives me the shivers. At first, I felt pity for Vincent. Then, as I got to the part where he learned about hate, I got worried. And the end is absolutely chilling-and realistic for what we know about Crabbe and his behavior in the Room of Requirement in DH.
I can't find much to give concrit on. Only two things stuck out. First, in this fragment of a sentence "of once, and mocked endlessly"-I don't the structure quite works. Either you need to have "and then mocked endlessly" after the comma, or you probably should put "once" in a different place, again taking out the comma. The other thing I noticed was "Vincent, what is the meaning of this report?" Since it's neither in quotation marks nor in italics, I can't figure out if it is a teacher talking to him, or his own internal monologue, mocking a teacher's words . . .
Again, I enjoyed this story . . . it's well structured and creepy. In a good, good way.
10/16/2011 c9 20Narcissa-Weasly
Bellatrix is a sick, twisted and evil women. You catch those parts of her in your writing, but you deskribe other sides of her to.
Your stories are very well written and I have like to read them. A FANTASIC work!
20Narcissa-WeaslyBellatrix is a sick, twisted and evil women. You catch those parts of her in your writing, but you deskribe other sides of her to.
Your stories are very well written and I have like to read them. A FANTASIC work!
10/16/2011 c8 Narcissa-Weasly
I didn't really understand if you have written the whole story yourself if every other line where from the real lyric.
It was sweet, But very short and you used too much of thise 500 words to repet yourself.
I didn't really understand if you have written the whole story yourself if every other line where from the real lyric.
It was sweet, But very short and you used too much of thise 500 words to repet yourself.
10/16/2011 c7 Narcissa-Weasly
Some of these dabbels was comfusing, but most of them where really good. Your writing ability are fantastic! My favourite drabble was the one with Duddley.
Some of these dabbels was comfusing, but most of them where really good. Your writing ability are fantastic! My favourite drabble was the one with Duddley.
10/16/2011 c6 Narcissa-Weasly
This is the first time I read this pairing, I'm not even 100% sure who they are, but I think they are Fleurs mum and dad? How every it is with that it's a nice fluff story about love.
This is the first time I read this pairing, I'm not even 100% sure who they are, but I think they are Fleurs mum and dad? How every it is with that it's a nice fluff story about love.