for My Girlfriend is an ESPer7/11/2011 c18 
7Kady P
First off, I just gotta say don’t list to Mr. Just wanted to point it out. He’s obviously an @$$hole who doesn’t understand the concept of FANFICTIONS.
Anywho, I'm glad your story has a plot line :p
Also, kinda funny but you're almost doing the speech thing too much. Not that you have too much dialogue, you just don't have enough description. Description and dialogue can go on the same paragraph. Let us know what the characters are doing as well as what they're saying. Also, It would be nice if occasionally you would remind the reader who's talking and say who's talking if someone new joined in. It got kinda confusing. Update! :D
7Kady PFirst off, I just gotta say don’t list to Mr. Just wanted to point it out. He’s obviously an @$$hole who doesn’t understand the concept of FANFICTIONS.
Anywho, I'm glad your story has a plot line :p
Also, kinda funny but you're almost doing the speech thing too much. Not that you have too much dialogue, you just don't have enough description. Description and dialogue can go on the same paragraph. Let us know what the characters are doing as well as what they're saying. Also, It would be nice if occasionally you would remind the reader who's talking and say who's talking if someone new joined in. It got kinda confusing. Update! :D
4/6/2011 c1 Just wanted to point out
Richie is like, legit gay. Series creator said so and everything. Also, no one likes OCs. Not to say yours is particularly bad, they're just annoying as a whole. You'll get better feedback without her.
Richie is like, legit gay. Series creator said so and everything. Also, no one likes OCs. Not to say yours is particularly bad, they're just annoying as a whole. You'll get better feedback without her.
4/1/2011 c18 Music Moon Queen
GREAT CHAPTER! LOVE THE By the way, he's pretty good catch for a guy." LMAO CONTINUE!
GREAT CHAPTER! LOVE THE By the way, he's pretty good catch for a guy." LMAO CONTINUE!
3/26/2011 c17 7Kady P
I believe it was Toys in the Hood. You know the one with Superman and Toymaker. In the end Static flew Daisy home on his disk. Tt was sweet. But he didnt carry her, she stood on his disk with him and he held onto her waste while her arms were wrapped around her neck for support.
And the dialogue was cute too. While Static was talking about Superman, Daisy was talking about him.
"I still can't believe I was with the Man of Steel! Lemme tell ya, there is nothing more awesome than hanging wit'chor favorite superhero!"
"Yeah... I know just what you mean."
lol Even though the show will remain awesome, I'm no longer a #1 Static Shock fan, but I can still pretend to be ^_^ (I'm into Case Closed now... IT'S SO AWESOME)
But I can totally connect with the fact that Rai is always in your head. I've been writing this Static Shock fanfic for like a year and my OC is constantly in my head too. Man, I'm smiling just thinking about him :)
7Kady PI believe it was Toys in the Hood. You know the one with Superman and Toymaker. In the end Static flew Daisy home on his disk. Tt was sweet. But he didnt carry her, she stood on his disk with him and he held onto her waste while her arms were wrapped around her neck for support.
And the dialogue was cute too. While Static was talking about Superman, Daisy was talking about him.
"I still can't believe I was with the Man of Steel! Lemme tell ya, there is nothing more awesome than hanging wit'chor favorite superhero!"
"Yeah... I know just what you mean."
lol Even though the show will remain awesome, I'm no longer a #1 Static Shock fan, but I can still pretend to be ^_^ (I'm into Case Closed now... IT'S SO AWESOME)
But I can totally connect with the fact that Rai is always in your head. I've been writing this Static Shock fanfic for like a year and my OC is constantly in my head too. Man, I'm smiling just thinking about him :)
2/22/2011 c16 patattack
This chapter seemed a little... strange, sorry if you find that offensive. It'd probably be a bit cooler if Rai developed some other similar powers, like telekinesis (or something like that).
This chapter seemed a little... strange, sorry if you find that offensive. It'd probably be a bit cooler if Rai developed some other similar powers, like telekinesis (or something like that).
1/31/2011 c1 7Kady P
whoa did you just change the title? I swear it said ESProfessional or something like that. now it just says ESPer...
7Kady Pwhoa did you just change the title? I swear it said ESProfessional or something like that. now it just says ESPer...
8/28/2010 c6 Kady P
If SSG stands for Static Shock Gear, then yea it would be a good consideration to change the title. This title just came to me: Rai of Sunshine. If u dont like it u dont have to use it. I'm just pitching it randomly, really. But if SSG DOESN'T stand for the heroes, and perhaps stands for the orginazation or whatever that gave Rai her powers, then perhaps it isn't such a bad title after all. I hope I didnt over think that xD
If SSG stands for Static Shock Gear, then yea it would be a good consideration to change the title. This title just came to me: Rai of Sunshine. If u dont like it u dont have to use it. I'm just pitching it randomly, really. But if SSG DOESN'T stand for the heroes, and perhaps stands for the orginazation or whatever that gave Rai her powers, then perhaps it isn't such a bad title after all. I hope I didnt over think that xD
8/28/2010 c8 Kady P
(8)Nice filler. I noticed you've gotten better with the character speach paragraphs. You only has both Rai and Daisy talking in 3 paragraphs :)
(9)I liked it... but... Well, throughout most of the story, Rai and Richie blush... like ALOT. Right when I think they're done blushing, they turn pink again. It may help to loosen up a little on the face colors. It's also kinda funny cause I almost never blush xD
Good Luck writing and I look foreward to the next chapters. :)
(8)Nice filler. I noticed you've gotten better with the character speach paragraphs. You only has both Rai and Daisy talking in 3 paragraphs :)
(9)I liked it... but... Well, throughout most of the story, Rai and Richie blush... like ALOT. Right when I think they're done blushing, they turn pink again. It may help to loosen up a little on the face colors. It's also kinda funny cause I almost never blush xD
Good Luck writing and I look foreward to the next chapters. :)
8/26/2010 c7 Kady P
i read all of this on my phone... lol.
ok 1. i like ur story. especially when rai thought richie looked hot shirtless xD
2. i hope that later in the story we will learn why rai hates her mother so much, how she got her power, and if- err- WHEN she finds out her boyfriend's secret. ;)
3. perhaps whats bothering u is that you express several characters talking in the same paragraph. the general rule is that only one character should talk in a paragraph, otherwise it looks unproffessional. it didnt bug me as much because i was reading it off my phone, but if i was reading this on my computer, it would bug me... ALOT. it may help if you revised your chapters like so...
"So, um, whatta we do now?" Rai asked him.
"I don't really know," he replied.
when a new character speaks or thinks, it's best to make it a new paragraph. i hope this tip helps your writing in the future. :)
i read all of this on my phone... lol.
ok 1. i like ur story. especially when rai thought richie looked hot shirtless xD
2. i hope that later in the story we will learn why rai hates her mother so much, how she got her power, and if- err- WHEN she finds out her boyfriend's secret. ;)
3. perhaps whats bothering u is that you express several characters talking in the same paragraph. the general rule is that only one character should talk in a paragraph, otherwise it looks unproffessional. it didnt bug me as much because i was reading it off my phone, but if i was reading this on my computer, it would bug me... ALOT. it may help if you revised your chapters like so...
"So, um, whatta we do now?" Rai asked him.
"I don't really know," he replied.
when a new character speaks or thinks, it's best to make it a new paragraph. i hope this tip helps your writing in the future. :)