for Black Rose5/19/2011 c7 ZemyxLover6969
this story is so amazing, it triggers all my emotions, geez, someone REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to get you a book/ story writing deal...its that awsome..you really should continue, because this is the most amazing story i've eever read
this story is so amazing, it triggers all my emotions, geez, someone REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to get you a book/ story writing deal...its that awsome..you really should continue, because this is the most amazing story i've eever read
12/17/2010 c5 
2M3tt3m
you better write more please please PLEASE write more update soon i love it please PLEASE
2M3tt3myou better write more please please PLEASE write more update soon i love it please PLEASE
10/14/2010 c4 3Venere Veritas
I've noticed another change in the summary, mainly by adding the third couple. Believe it or not, but there is a name to this crack pairing, that being LarLux. It does look a bit odd when you have the abbreviated names for two couples, but not the third.
There has been a change in the writing flow, and it seems to be for the better. Some parts do still come off as a bit dull, and I think adding a bit more colorful words here or there may help a bit. Interest us. Another thing is that you are realizing what should and shouldn't go into your story. I like that your starting to place the plot before your likes, which is good. Remember to stay with this, and things will hopefully look better for this story.
And to the chapter (I'm referring to chapters 4 and 5). Look, I cannot say this enough; you cannot put too much personal information within your stories. Never do this or you may offend some sort of readers. Playing Marluxia as a saint for not aborting a child, and then portraying Larxene as heartless for having one is a big no-no, especially when writing a HS Fic like this. Place the least amount of description when you talk about the facility. Don't go and tell the readers about killing babies, let them decide what they feel, don't tell them how to feel, ok?
3Venere VeritasI've noticed another change in the summary, mainly by adding the third couple. Believe it or not, but there is a name to this crack pairing, that being LarLux. It does look a bit odd when you have the abbreviated names for two couples, but not the third.
There has been a change in the writing flow, and it seems to be for the better. Some parts do still come off as a bit dull, and I think adding a bit more colorful words here or there may help a bit. Interest us. Another thing is that you are realizing what should and shouldn't go into your story. I like that your starting to place the plot before your likes, which is good. Remember to stay with this, and things will hopefully look better for this story.
And to the chapter (I'm referring to chapters 4 and 5). Look, I cannot say this enough; you cannot put too much personal information within your stories. Never do this or you may offend some sort of readers. Playing Marluxia as a saint for not aborting a child, and then portraying Larxene as heartless for having one is a big no-no, especially when writing a HS Fic like this. Place the least amount of description when you talk about the facility. Don't go and tell the readers about killing babies, let them decide what they feel, don't tell them how to feel, ok?
8/4/2010 c3 10Brinkmess
Well I do enjoy the detail put into the chapter, there are a few puncuation errors here and there. Marluxia's reactions and emotional outbursts were close to spot on, and good job for that. Vexen was another story though, and I feel like his character was almost foreced to go along with Marluxia, rather than just agree with him.
I commend you for actually looking up information on this fic. Many people won't do their homework and just go with what they know about pregnancy, which appearently isn't much. The fact that you looked up clinics just for this fic shows that yu can be a really good author.
Remember to changes the names of certain places that you do decide to use. You can be reported for using actual places, especially if anyone working their resembles a character. Be sure to to tell the readers that all OCs are based off imagination, or change the names of the actual places, so there is no mixup.
Brink
10BrinkmessWell I do enjoy the detail put into the chapter, there are a few puncuation errors here and there. Marluxia's reactions and emotional outbursts were close to spot on, and good job for that. Vexen was another story though, and I feel like his character was almost foreced to go along with Marluxia, rather than just agree with him.
I commend you for actually looking up information on this fic. Many people won't do their homework and just go with what they know about pregnancy, which appearently isn't much. The fact that you looked up clinics just for this fic shows that yu can be a really good author.
Remember to changes the names of certain places that you do decide to use. You can be reported for using actual places, especially if anyone working their resembles a character. Be sure to to tell the readers that all OCs are based off imagination, or change the names of the actual places, so there is no mixup.
Brink
8/2/2010 c2 Brinkmess
I like the length in this chapter, and as I mentioned to you before in a pm, putting the setting in the paragraphs, rather than stating them to us, can add more to the length and give us some needed description. As long as you don't go overboard it should be fine.
Never have a teenager say "I apologize" unless they're forced to. Get rid of that right now and remember that we never say things like that. It's too complex for our delicate minds to handle. Plus, being that Demyx is a growing boy-politeness doth not exist in his mental stability.
I like how Marluxia does back way from his original plan. Bouncing back from one idea to the next, although it may look immmature or wasteful, is the closest thing to relism you can get. It's the most appropriate reaction you can give, considering his situation. Having him say he wants the baby, than have him change his mind, is a good thing. Because he is still a child, in mental terms, and would easily be stressed out and willing to give up on ideas and such without much warning. Have him bounce around more and more, and even consider abortion as a option-because it will make him appear more like a sixteen year old human who is being backed into a corner.
Yeah, add some more swearing in this story. The dialouge in the restaraunt can be more dramatic if you have the characters break down or get angry. Otherwise it appears to be a conversation between adults.
I cannot stress this enough, but do not have Marluxia playing your role as the character. When messing with religion, I've come to see that having the main character share your ideas is never a good thing. Marluxia does come off as heavily Sue-ish when he does talk abotu his personal beliefs, and that can turn off the readers-even those who share your same beliefs.
One last suggestion; never have an OC finish off the chapter. always have your main character, or even a supporting character finish us off. If an OC finishes a chapter, it should be one of value, remember that.
Ok, so for the most part we have a decent dailouge, but it does need some more drama to it. You need to insert more emotion here and there, and remember that your characters are not adults. Otherwise it was a relatively good chapter.
Brink
I like the length in this chapter, and as I mentioned to you before in a pm, putting the setting in the paragraphs, rather than stating them to us, can add more to the length and give us some needed description. As long as you don't go overboard it should be fine.
Never have a teenager say "I apologize" unless they're forced to. Get rid of that right now and remember that we never say things like that. It's too complex for our delicate minds to handle. Plus, being that Demyx is a growing boy-politeness doth not exist in his mental stability.
I like how Marluxia does back way from his original plan. Bouncing back from one idea to the next, although it may look immmature or wasteful, is the closest thing to relism you can get. It's the most appropriate reaction you can give, considering his situation. Having him say he wants the baby, than have him change his mind, is a good thing. Because he is still a child, in mental terms, and would easily be stressed out and willing to give up on ideas and such without much warning. Have him bounce around more and more, and even consider abortion as a option-because it will make him appear more like a sixteen year old human who is being backed into a corner.
Yeah, add some more swearing in this story. The dialouge in the restaraunt can be more dramatic if you have the characters break down or get angry. Otherwise it appears to be a conversation between adults.
I cannot stress this enough, but do not have Marluxia playing your role as the character. When messing with religion, I've come to see that having the main character share your ideas is never a good thing. Marluxia does come off as heavily Sue-ish when he does talk abotu his personal beliefs, and that can turn off the readers-even those who share your same beliefs.
One last suggestion; never have an OC finish off the chapter. always have your main character, or even a supporting character finish us off. If an OC finishes a chapter, it should be one of value, remember that.
Ok, so for the most part we have a decent dailouge, but it does need some more drama to it. You need to insert more emotion here and there, and remember that your characters are not adults. Otherwise it was a relatively good chapter.
Brink
8/1/2010 c1 Brinkmess
Ok dokie then. So we got a story named from a DMB song that I actually know! How nice...meh.
This is an ok story, but I would recomend yo remove a few things, such as the last sentence of your warning. I'd also replace times and places with just regular breakers. You can tell us where they are in the paragraph, making for a longer story, more detailed story.
You know...I think I know what the problem is here. The kids are too sweet. Have them swear and act like the little f*ckers they ought to be acting like. You knwo me, I'm a potty mouth. Have them do the same. I'm not saying to redo this whole chapter, but I would recomend reposting it with a few smart alec remarks.
Brink
Ok dokie then. So we got a story named from a DMB song that I actually know! How nice...meh.
This is an ok story, but I would recomend yo remove a few things, such as the last sentence of your warning. I'd also replace times and places with just regular breakers. You can tell us where they are in the paragraph, making for a longer story, more detailed story.
You know...I think I know what the problem is here. The kids are too sweet. Have them swear and act like the little f*ckers they ought to be acting like. You knwo me, I'm a potty mouth. Have them do the same. I'm not saying to redo this whole chapter, but I would recomend reposting it with a few smart alec remarks.
Brink
7/10/2010 c1 17Braco Boy
I figured this would be a huge improvement from your other works, mainly because their is a bigger word count and because the story itself appears to be longer than your usual works. I've read UnratedCrimsonBlood's high school fic, and so I understand where you did get your inspiration from, so i can say that there will be no honest discrimination in this review.
So, where do I start?
-Your Summary tells way too much. I already know who's gonna get knocked up because of the pairings you gave me and because of previous work you've done. Unless you plan have the third pairing strait or make them crack, then I can make a guess as to who it may be. And I just may be right too. Change the summary; make it more vague but give enough detail to where people will want to read it.
-Your characters are bland. Larxene is out of character. Since when did she become this soft spoken young lady here? And why is your Marluxia never acting the way he should? I actually prefer the deviant Marluxia over the way too feminine and weak Marluxia. The fact that he just cries silently makes me very uncomfortable.
-Why is the setting constantly being mentioned in the dialogue? It’s boring and I don’t want to read it. And I doubt anyone else does either.
-Why is everyone acting the way they are acting? When I was in high school I sure as heck didn’t speak like that. Speaking of which, there is literally no emotion in the speech given. I know they’re nobodies, but give them a personality. You can switch the names around in the dialogue and I wouldn’t question it one bit because that’s how emotionless everyone is in this story. This goes right back to the characters being OOC. This needs to be fixed.
-The dialogue is boring, and at it’s best it’s just awkward.
“"But your appendix can't grow back, so we know it can't be that. We all remember that when it happened though, it scared us when you passed out in class. You were talking one minute then the next you were curled up on the floor." Demyx replied, looking at his friend. He could remember how much pain Marluxia was in before passing out.”
Half of this doesn’t need to be here. We all know the given, just tell us how Demyx felt.
“"Good afternoon Marluxia. Alice tells me that you've been feeling ill and had some odd symptoms. Care to tell me what is going on? Trust me; I don't think anything you tell me will be weird. I am your doctor." Dr. Zinn smiled, looking at the clipboard.”
That was just awkward. You need to kill off those two last sentences.
“"That is an eight week old fetus, give or take a day. Don't ask how or why since Marluxia apparently knows how it got there. I said it earlier, and I'll say it again. I didn't think it would actually happen." Dr. Zinn replied softly, turning to see a few tears fall down Marluxia's cheeks.”
Gee, I’m glad the doctor knows Marluxia had consensual sex right from the beginning otherwise that comment might have been offensive. I can’t even imagine how this would have worked in real life. And why is Marluxia acting like this?
I can keep going on just the dialogue, but I think I’ve already proved my point.
-Mpreg. And in no way do you attempt to have it stand out either. This story emits pro-life all over it. If you get pregnant in high school, that’s it. Your freedom is gone. Your social life is gone. Yet here Marluxia is…already making plans to buy things for his unborn kid. Marluxia might as well have been told he got a B on his test, because he sure gets over the pregnancy ordeal rather quickly and decides he’s gonna keep it. I’ve noticed that certain mpreg fics will get more reviews than others. These fics have something that make them stand out. You need to do something otherwise this element will just fade in with all the other problems in the story. I’m pretty sure that if I got pregnant, I wouldn’t get over it within the hour or so.
-Don’t give Ocs that are mentioned for a few sentences thought mentioning. Unless they are of any value to the story, have other characters think important thoughts, not the unnamed.
-Have the characters act their age. Seriously.
-Don’t give us information we do not need. Half of this story can be edited out for a shorter, possibly more interesting chapter. I don’t need to know the name of some mountain. What I do need to know is how everyone is reacting to this pregnancy ordeal.
-Marluxia mentions, in the briefest of sentences, that he and Vexen did it. Oh, and apparently their in love? I’m still not too sure. Lack of emotion makes it hard to tell who cares for who in this story.
You know, I thought because you were older than most fanfic writers, that you could do a decent job at writing a HSF. This wasn’t very good.
Luckily this is only your first chapter. You have time to edit and fix this up, should you feel the need to continue this story. I didn’t leave this review because of the other review given before me, nor did I leave this review because I dislike you as a author or your just your work in general. I left this review because I read this story, and I made it my duty to leave a review for every story I read on this site. I know this review isn’t all too welcoming, but I do hope you and anyone else reading this understand I left this in hopes that you will improve and get better. As to any readers out there, I hope you review this story honestly, and do not flame it-or me- just because of what I wrote.
Good luck to you.
Braco
17Braco BoyI figured this would be a huge improvement from your other works, mainly because their is a bigger word count and because the story itself appears to be longer than your usual works. I've read UnratedCrimsonBlood's high school fic, and so I understand where you did get your inspiration from, so i can say that there will be no honest discrimination in this review.
So, where do I start?
-Your Summary tells way too much. I already know who's gonna get knocked up because of the pairings you gave me and because of previous work you've done. Unless you plan have the third pairing strait or make them crack, then I can make a guess as to who it may be. And I just may be right too. Change the summary; make it more vague but give enough detail to where people will want to read it.
-Your characters are bland. Larxene is out of character. Since when did she become this soft spoken young lady here? And why is your Marluxia never acting the way he should? I actually prefer the deviant Marluxia over the way too feminine and weak Marluxia. The fact that he just cries silently makes me very uncomfortable.
-Why is the setting constantly being mentioned in the dialogue? It’s boring and I don’t want to read it. And I doubt anyone else does either.
-Why is everyone acting the way they are acting? When I was in high school I sure as heck didn’t speak like that. Speaking of which, there is literally no emotion in the speech given. I know they’re nobodies, but give them a personality. You can switch the names around in the dialogue and I wouldn’t question it one bit because that’s how emotionless everyone is in this story. This goes right back to the characters being OOC. This needs to be fixed.
-The dialogue is boring, and at it’s best it’s just awkward.
“"But your appendix can't grow back, so we know it can't be that. We all remember that when it happened though, it scared us when you passed out in class. You were talking one minute then the next you were curled up on the floor." Demyx replied, looking at his friend. He could remember how much pain Marluxia was in before passing out.”
Half of this doesn’t need to be here. We all know the given, just tell us how Demyx felt.
“"Good afternoon Marluxia. Alice tells me that you've been feeling ill and had some odd symptoms. Care to tell me what is going on? Trust me; I don't think anything you tell me will be weird. I am your doctor." Dr. Zinn smiled, looking at the clipboard.”
That was just awkward. You need to kill off those two last sentences.
“"That is an eight week old fetus, give or take a day. Don't ask how or why since Marluxia apparently knows how it got there. I said it earlier, and I'll say it again. I didn't think it would actually happen." Dr. Zinn replied softly, turning to see a few tears fall down Marluxia's cheeks.”
Gee, I’m glad the doctor knows Marluxia had consensual sex right from the beginning otherwise that comment might have been offensive. I can’t even imagine how this would have worked in real life. And why is Marluxia acting like this?
I can keep going on just the dialogue, but I think I’ve already proved my point.
-Mpreg. And in no way do you attempt to have it stand out either. This story emits pro-life all over it. If you get pregnant in high school, that’s it. Your freedom is gone. Your social life is gone. Yet here Marluxia is…already making plans to buy things for his unborn kid. Marluxia might as well have been told he got a B on his test, because he sure gets over the pregnancy ordeal rather quickly and decides he’s gonna keep it. I’ve noticed that certain mpreg fics will get more reviews than others. These fics have something that make them stand out. You need to do something otherwise this element will just fade in with all the other problems in the story. I’m pretty sure that if I got pregnant, I wouldn’t get over it within the hour or so.
-Don’t give Ocs that are mentioned for a few sentences thought mentioning. Unless they are of any value to the story, have other characters think important thoughts, not the unnamed.
-Have the characters act their age. Seriously.
-Don’t give us information we do not need. Half of this story can be edited out for a shorter, possibly more interesting chapter. I don’t need to know the name of some mountain. What I do need to know is how everyone is reacting to this pregnancy ordeal.
-Marluxia mentions, in the briefest of sentences, that he and Vexen did it. Oh, and apparently their in love? I’m still not too sure. Lack of emotion makes it hard to tell who cares for who in this story.
You know, I thought because you were older than most fanfic writers, that you could do a decent job at writing a HSF. This wasn’t very good.
Luckily this is only your first chapter. You have time to edit and fix this up, should you feel the need to continue this story. I didn’t leave this review because of the other review given before me, nor did I leave this review because I dislike you as a author or your just your work in general. I left this review because I read this story, and I made it my duty to leave a review for every story I read on this site. I know this review isn’t all too welcoming, but I do hope you and anyone else reading this understand I left this in hopes that you will improve and get better. As to any readers out there, I hope you review this story honestly, and do not flame it-or me- just because of what I wrote.
Good luck to you.
Braco
7/8/2010 c1 The Letter A
I'll be reviewing this as I read along. Hopefully any suggestions given out will not be taken too harshly.
So far, the characters in the story have little to no emotion. You give them no expression in the story, making it hard to tell who's talking till you see their name next to the word "said". This is also a problem since you've made two of the characters, Marluxia and Larxene, out of character. You need to give them some form of expression so we know how they feel. The only time some form of expression is given is when you describe their talk to be "soft". Whether the character is upset or just simply whispering is a mystery to me though.
Try to be more subtle on the pregnancy. I already can tell where this may be going. If you’re trying to surprise anyone you’ll need cut out either the hand on stomach or Marluxia’s conversation, which explains all signs of early pregnancy in just one sentence.
What really does get me is that no one in this fic sounds like a teen. I know most High School fics have the character in question act obnoxious and immature, but you seem to be making your characters seem a lot older than what you say they are. Don't go overboard and have them swear up a storm and bitch and gripe about everything, but have them act their supposed age. Growing up means a lot of confusion and mixed feelings. Have the characters express this.
Not only do your characters not sound like their age, but they also don’t think the same as well. I doubt Marluxia would be able to accept such a responsibility so quickly, even if he was open for pro-life and such. He’s a young boy growing up, finding out he’s pregnant should be a frightening thing for him. You have him fully accept the pregnancy like that and have his friends just go and support him from the start. Try to have Marluxia skim around on suggestions. I know abortion goes against the ever popular cliché of just accepting the baby, and you don’t have to have it in your story, but have Marluxia think about other options. Have him get upset and angry. No sixteen year old girl decides right from finding out she’s pregnant that she’s gonna keep it. There is a moment of doubt. Marluxia should be more worried about how he’ll stay in school rather than think about buying things for a two month old fetus. As for his friends, you do need to think about how we are as people. You need to have them show some form of expression of shock and doubt as well. This is high school; it’s usually a big deal when someone gets pregnant.
I hope this criticism will help you and this story. It was not my intention to hurt feelings, only to teach you as a writer. Good luck with your fic.
I'll be reviewing this as I read along. Hopefully any suggestions given out will not be taken too harshly.
So far, the characters in the story have little to no emotion. You give them no expression in the story, making it hard to tell who's talking till you see their name next to the word "said". This is also a problem since you've made two of the characters, Marluxia and Larxene, out of character. You need to give them some form of expression so we know how they feel. The only time some form of expression is given is when you describe their talk to be "soft". Whether the character is upset or just simply whispering is a mystery to me though.
Try to be more subtle on the pregnancy. I already can tell where this may be going. If you’re trying to surprise anyone you’ll need cut out either the hand on stomach or Marluxia’s conversation, which explains all signs of early pregnancy in just one sentence.
What really does get me is that no one in this fic sounds like a teen. I know most High School fics have the character in question act obnoxious and immature, but you seem to be making your characters seem a lot older than what you say they are. Don't go overboard and have them swear up a storm and bitch and gripe about everything, but have them act their supposed age. Growing up means a lot of confusion and mixed feelings. Have the characters express this.
Not only do your characters not sound like their age, but they also don’t think the same as well. I doubt Marluxia would be able to accept such a responsibility so quickly, even if he was open for pro-life and such. He’s a young boy growing up, finding out he’s pregnant should be a frightening thing for him. You have him fully accept the pregnancy like that and have his friends just go and support him from the start. Try to have Marluxia skim around on suggestions. I know abortion goes against the ever popular cliché of just accepting the baby, and you don’t have to have it in your story, but have Marluxia think about other options. Have him get upset and angry. No sixteen year old girl decides right from finding out she’s pregnant that she’s gonna keep it. There is a moment of doubt. Marluxia should be more worried about how he’ll stay in school rather than think about buying things for a two month old fetus. As for his friends, you do need to think about how we are as people. You need to have them show some form of expression of shock and doubt as well. This is high school; it’s usually a big deal when someone gets pregnant.
I hope this criticism will help you and this story. It was not my intention to hurt feelings, only to teach you as a writer. Good luck with your fic.