for Frau's and Teito's confession8/20/2011 c2 SenpaiNoSasuke
The plot was good but you should had used the ENTER button a little. Because it´s a bit hard to read. I would have appreciated the story more if I didn´t lose track of were I was when I changed line (happened quite often sadly =( ). In your other stories you could let speech be on a new line with some space between the line before. You could also have some space every time you changed settings. That way it would be easier to understand what is happening.
Well that is just my oppinion as a reader, I haven´t written anything myself so... but I do read a lot =).
Also it feels like this is more a summering of a storie. It have structer but it could be so much more.
When you describe who is allowed to enter Teitos room I as a reader get the feeling that in the next chapter some one might try to poison him or something. You could have written a chapter about that and then in the end of that chapter you could have written from fraus point of wiev and have him overhear the council. That would give a more inpact I feel.
Then you go with chapter two. That way it wouldn´t be so abrup(?)when Frau comes in to Teito. That way you could have aloud your readers to feel the characters more, to get the feeling that they love each other.
Just to point out this is not a flame cause since i´m not a writer myself I don´t have the neccisary background too give flames, nothing to build my oppinion on. But as I said before I do read a lot and this is just my humble oppinion as a reader.
The plot was good but you should had used the ENTER button a little. Because it´s a bit hard to read. I would have appreciated the story more if I didn´t lose track of were I was when I changed line (happened quite often sadly =( ). In your other stories you could let speech be on a new line with some space between the line before. You could also have some space every time you changed settings. That way it would be easier to understand what is happening.
Well that is just my oppinion as a reader, I haven´t written anything myself so... but I do read a lot =).
Also it feels like this is more a summering of a storie. It have structer but it could be so much more.
When you describe who is allowed to enter Teitos room I as a reader get the feeling that in the next chapter some one might try to poison him or something. You could have written a chapter about that and then in the end of that chapter you could have written from fraus point of wiev and have him overhear the council. That would give a more inpact I feel.
Then you go with chapter two. That way it wouldn´t be so abrup(?)when Frau comes in to Teito. That way you could have aloud your readers to feel the characters more, to get the feeling that they love each other.
Just to point out this is not a flame cause since i´m not a writer myself I don´t have the neccisary background too give flames, nothing to build my oppinion on. But as I said before I do read a lot and this is just my humble oppinion as a reader.
5/14/2011 c2 
3DevilishBea
Wow! Everything happened soo fast. I got really confusing. You know... You can make it longer it's not a crime, there's no need to rush. I liked but it was too fast paced
3DevilishBeaWow! Everything happened soo fast. I got really confusing. You know... You can make it longer it's not a crime, there's no need to rush. I liked but it was too fast paced
9/18/2010 c2 Outty
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, in fact this is very brutal for me to review like this, but all the same...
This was crap. Absolute crap. I'm not gonna shuger coat it, and I'm not gonna say things like, "Oh, well it could have been better..." Because honestly, it was just crap.
Firstly, you have grammar and spelling mistakes,and it is most certainly not very becoming.
Secondly, the plot is formula, stacked on cliche, stacked on bull (s)hit. Seriously, it's called originality.
And thirdly, ... Man preg? seriously? You do realize that these are BOYS your writing about, right?
Now, think that you should read this, because honestly, you need it.
http:/browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&global=1&q=yaoi+fangirl+rant+#/d97jwo
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, in fact this is very brutal for me to review like this, but all the same...
This was crap. Absolute crap. I'm not gonna shuger coat it, and I'm not gonna say things like, "Oh, well it could have been better..." Because honestly, it was just crap.
Firstly, you have grammar and spelling mistakes,and it is most certainly not very becoming.
Secondly, the plot is formula, stacked on cliche, stacked on bull (s)hit. Seriously, it's called originality.
And thirdly, ... Man preg? seriously? You do realize that these are BOYS your writing about, right?
Now, think that you should read this, because honestly, you need it.
http:/browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&global=1&q=yaoi+fangirl+rant+#/d97jwo
9/15/2010 c2 18racooncity
No offense, but this could have been SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, the plot is amazingly great! It has so many hidden potentials! I want to make a proposal to you- can I rewrite this fic? I'll send all the files to you after I'm done some day, and you can publish it under your name. I fell in love for this pairing, and it would be an honor to re-make a potential fic.
There are many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but oh well. It's not like my grammar is good- it's just that I noticed some that are really obvious.
And I think you should mind about the spacing. The first chapter and the second chapter looked more like a big block of words, don't you think? Make it more organized by using enter and spaces. If it drags too long, it's okay- as long as it's easy to read.
18racooncityNo offense, but this could have been SO MUCH BETTER. I mean, the plot is amazingly great! It has so many hidden potentials! I want to make a proposal to you- can I rewrite this fic? I'll send all the files to you after I'm done some day, and you can publish it under your name. I fell in love for this pairing, and it would be an honor to re-make a potential fic.
There are many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but oh well. It's not like my grammar is good- it's just that I noticed some that are really obvious.
And I think you should mind about the spacing. The first chapter and the second chapter looked more like a big block of words, don't you think? Make it more organized by using enter and spaces. If it drags too long, it's okay- as long as it's easy to read.
9/8/2010 c1 jessy
Frau and Teito were really too much out of character. You should do some research on their personalities next time.
As for the story, the plot moved way too fast. I mean, it's not possible for Teito to have sex with Frau and the next day he already knows he's pregnant. It takes at least a few weeks until something like that can be confirmed =O
I found some spelling mistakes too, you should some let beta test your stories =)
No harm meant in my criticism, good luck with your writing.
Frau and Teito were really too much out of character. You should do some research on their personalities next time.
As for the story, the plot moved way too fast. I mean, it's not possible for Teito to have sex with Frau and the next day he already knows he's pregnant. It takes at least a few weeks until something like that can be confirmed =O
I found some spelling mistakes too, you should some let beta test your stories =)
No harm meant in my criticism, good luck with your writing.
9/8/2010 c2 8MiChiKo165
Hello sia. That was fast! Uploading 2 chapters in one day.
Чоυ know, чоυ have a great idea of writing this story. But I was shock when see Teito got pregnant o.o;
You've gotta be careful that your characters in this fiction get OOC (out of character). I've found that both teito and frau are a lil bit OOC, but labrador and castor they're fine, nice job ^^
The problem still same like your first story, why there are no paragraph? Maybe the ff.net error? I experienced the same thing like чоυ.. :(
And for 'thoughts', it's better if чоυ use italic rather than bold ;D
Ah, the next thing if чоυ wanna write my name in your fict just call me michiko, coz they're didn't know my real name. Hehe.
Do I have too much complaint? I'm sorry!
But I always like your story. Keep writing! ^^
-michiko
8MiChiKo165Hello sia. That was fast! Uploading 2 chapters in one day.
Чоυ know, чоυ have a great idea of writing this story. But I was shock when see Teito got pregnant o.o;
You've gotta be careful that your characters in this fiction get OOC (out of character). I've found that both teito and frau are a lil bit OOC, but labrador and castor they're fine, nice job ^^
The problem still same like your first story, why there are no paragraph? Maybe the ff.net error? I experienced the same thing like чоυ.. :(
And for 'thoughts', it's better if чоυ use italic rather than bold ;D
Ah, the next thing if чоυ wanna write my name in your fict just call me michiko, coz they're didn't know my real name. Hehe.
Do I have too much complaint? I'm sorry!
But I always like your story. Keep writing! ^^
-michiko