3/16/2011 c1 49DangerouslyAvril
I don't quite know what to make of this story.

It's a very complex one, and the language used is quite...um...heavy. But it was beautifully written, in a bittersweet, unflinching way.

All right, on with the judging.

Originality: 5/5. There's no question about its originality. An affair breaking Astoria and yet beautifying her - this is definitely NOT a plot used everyday.

Grammar/Spelling: 4.5/5. One word was misused: 'delicacy'. Honestly, I think you meant 'delicateness'. But otherwise, it was amazing.

Use of prompts: 4/5. You used the prompts beautifully, rest assured - but I was kind of expecting an angsty story. So, yeah - it wasn't entirely unpredictable, and they could've been used in a more creative manner.

Characterization/Plot: 5/5. The plot was very well-developed and so were the characters. Awesome work.

Style/Story Structure: 4.5/5. As I mentioned earlier, it was written beautifully. However, I believe that it might be a bit too complex.

Overall: 4.5/5. Other than a couple of mistakes here and there and a slightly over-developed plot, it was gorgeous.

Title: 4/5.

Total Score : 31.5/35. Fantastic writing and thank you for participating!

2/27/2011 c1 112Paper Pearls
I'll have to confess that i've read this story several times now, and each time that I have, it has brought about different feelings in me. There was so much about it that fascinated me - it was striking, in an unusual way, due to the format. Rather like Gabrielle's scars, I'd imagine, which made for an exceptional structural metaphor. You're very good at subtle dramatic techniques, I think.

As for the scarring itself, that was a novel idea. In some ways I felt that it was a little bit awkward, however the style of your writing greatly redeemed the concept in my eyes:

"But, oh, she was already beautiful, wasn't she? Before. Now, though, she's exceptional."

Astoria's bitter, conversational narrative was so full of contempt that I couldn't help but recoil slightly. It was so powerful, and rather sad. What made me feel for her was that she was almost obsessive in her musings about her rival. Back to the theme of scarring, it was intriguing. People like the Malfoys were attracted to beauty - perfection, even - as it symbolised their status. The fact that after her accident, Gabrielle attracted Draco, suggested that there was something more to her. It suggested that she was one of a kind, and that their affair had both shallow qualities and depth, which in turn was the cause for Astoria seeming so unbalanced.

"When you can look into the mirror and see lines across your skin as beauty, what is there to do but laugh? When you're a thief who catches instead of getting caught, you'll just be laughing! Laughing. Laughing."

The repetition of laughter, especially when her situation is so tragic, makes Astoria seem almost mad with grief and jealousy. There was an excellent pace to this story, and an intriguing quality to the narrative that, despite the ugliness of her thoughts and words, made the outside world fade away.

"(Men rush to pick up shattered diamonds.)"

I also liked the way in which you worked the concept of greed into the story. It provided an accurate reflection of human nature, and also hinted at at least a part of Draco's motivation behind committing adultery. Comparing Gabrielle's looks to diamonds reminded the reader that although conventionally broken, her appearance was still of incredible value.

Although I can see the connection it made, I felt that the link of foundation was a bit... forced, I suppose:

"But she doesn't use foundation anymore. Such concealing powder would cover up those sharp lines on her fuckingperfect skin..."

I wish that you hadn't sworn, either. It cheapened the icy, aloof quality of Astoria's rage - the anger of a proper lady.

Still, I felt that within this paragraph, you showed more of the psychology behind Draco's reasoning for conducting an extramarital affair. Having an arranged marriage - a perfect, conventional love life - must have felt like such a constraint. Although it didn't make his actions justifiable, it made his motives easier to understand. Gabrielle being scarred, unusual and off limits would have made her seem like the perfect break from the sham of a romance he shared with Astoria.

My favourite line had to be this:

"But now his hands feel for roughness, difference - not that same old wanting body."

There was a certain callousness to Draco's touch that was perfectly in line with your characterisation of him - the kind of man who would be capable of cheating on his wife. I found your word choice particularly effective, as 'wanting' showed that Astoria was physically lacking, at least in Draco's eyes, and also hinted at the desire she still felt for him in spite of his indifference.

"Jewellery isn't necessary for that rebuilt-with-happiness jewel, either, and though she has legions of admirers - has the most important admirer of all - she doesn't ever receive it."

In some ways, the structuring of this section was a little awkward. Nevertheless, it worked very well as you managed to make Gabrielle seem all the more incredible to those around her. It was fitting that Draco was mentioned individually, as it reminded the reader once more of the loss that Astoria continually suffered. Also, the idea of jewellery being used to heighten waning beauty was so wonderfully poignant that my sympathy was renewed.

What I particularly liked about this story was the theme of winning and losing. Although Draco certainly wasn't much of a prize, it was all about a victory of the heart:

"She still has one thing his beauty-on-the-side doesn't, however - their marriage. So, although her hatred's festering, her own perfume stays strong."

There was something delightfully primitive and animalistic about the idea of scent being used to claim dominance. It showed a degree of baseness, and also, conversely, sophistication on the part of both Astoria and Gabrielle.

Thank you very much for participating in my challenge. Your interpretation of it was wonderful, and I enjoyed reading this story very much. Well done.

2/6/2011 c1 252Inkfire
I really loved this! It was insanely beautiful. The anger was really violent, and it was all the more beautiful because it held such passion. Your writing was enthralling... My fav parts were "When you're a thief who catches instead of getting caught, you'll just be laughing!" - that sentence was just awesome - and "Like little mirrors reflecting that beauty even further, those sparkle diamonds lead to that towering pedestal she perches on." Great job!

2/3/2011 c1 17RavenEcho
I loved it - very interesting and enjoyable content, and positively gorgeous imagery and writing.

2/3/2011 c1 21pippi55
I'm not quite sure what to think of this story.

The images are powerful and the idea is one I haven't read before (which is always important to me). I really like your Astoria, even though she's nothing like how I imagine her, which is surprising.

But on the other hand, it is a bit confusing. I would have liked a little more directness. Like, I would prefer if you clearly stated who the other woman was and what has happened to her, and how Draco became involved with her. I also don't really get the thing with the accident, but that might just be me...

Oh, and I just love love love this part: 'Draco cupped Astoria's cheek that way, once, ran his smooth hands over her body. But now his hands feel for roughness, difference - not that same old wanting body.' It's just perfect.

2/3/2011 c1 247yellow 14
An interesting look at that idea. Can you tll me what the bookwas called please? Keep writing