for A Shooting Star7/4/2011 c4 
38Laura Scofield
Aww, this was probably my favourite chapter :D Dannyl and Tayend seem to be on the same level now, and I loved how Tayend reassured Dannyl about being nervous. I just wanted to hug Dannyl at the end, poor guy must be so overwhelmed with emotion! I'm taking a wild guess that this is the last chapter, and if it is, its a lovely end, but I'm still hoping there's more to come!
The only critical advice I can give is about how you refer to Dannyl and Tayend. Try to avoid overusing their names. For instance, in this sentence:
"Yes." Tayend prodded the fire with a stick, and leant back, shuffling closer to Dannyl, so that his head was on Dannyl's shoulder. Dannyl said nothing, but pulled Tayend closer, putting his arm around Tayend and slipping his hand into Tayend's. Tayend kissed him gently on the jaw.
This perhaps would read a bit easier with less mentions of their names. Something like:
"Yes." Tayend prodded the fire with a stick, and leant back, shuffling closer to Dannyl, so that his head was on the magician's shoulder. Dannyl said nothing, but pulled Tayend closer, putting his arm around him and slipping his hand into the scholar's. Tayend kissed him gently on the jaw.
It can be tricky in paragraphs like that to refrain from using their names too much, but refering to them occasionally as "the magician", "the scholar" or "the Elyne" can really help the flow of the story.
Anyway, so glad you updated XD
38Laura ScofieldAww, this was probably my favourite chapter :D Dannyl and Tayend seem to be on the same level now, and I loved how Tayend reassured Dannyl about being nervous. I just wanted to hug Dannyl at the end, poor guy must be so overwhelmed with emotion! I'm taking a wild guess that this is the last chapter, and if it is, its a lovely end, but I'm still hoping there's more to come!
The only critical advice I can give is about how you refer to Dannyl and Tayend. Try to avoid overusing their names. For instance, in this sentence:
"Yes." Tayend prodded the fire with a stick, and leant back, shuffling closer to Dannyl, so that his head was on Dannyl's shoulder. Dannyl said nothing, but pulled Tayend closer, putting his arm around Tayend and slipping his hand into Tayend's. Tayend kissed him gently on the jaw.
This perhaps would read a bit easier with less mentions of their names. Something like:
"Yes." Tayend prodded the fire with a stick, and leant back, shuffling closer to Dannyl, so that his head was on the magician's shoulder. Dannyl said nothing, but pulled Tayend closer, putting his arm around him and slipping his hand into the scholar's. Tayend kissed him gently on the jaw.
It can be tricky in paragraphs like that to refrain from using their names too much, but refering to them occasionally as "the magician", "the scholar" or "the Elyne" can really help the flow of the story.
Anyway, so glad you updated XD
5/14/2011 c3 Laura Scofield
I really enjoyed this little series! Is this the end, or are you planning more chapters? :D I'd most definately love to read more if you post them!
I like how you're dealing with Dannyl's nervousness and worries, and how they are stopping him from giving in fully to his feelings for Tayend. And this is all new to him - he's not certain of himself, he's scared he won't be able to make Tayend happy. You really got all that across effectively, I really felt sorry for Dannyl. And Tayend's worries too are nicely displayed. I always did expect him to be cautious with Dannyl at first, this is probably different from any other relationship he's been in before.
Anyway, thank you for a lovely story, and hopefully you'll write more of it! XD
I really enjoyed this little series! Is this the end, or are you planning more chapters? :D I'd most definately love to read more if you post them!
I like how you're dealing with Dannyl's nervousness and worries, and how they are stopping him from giving in fully to his feelings for Tayend. And this is all new to him - he's not certain of himself, he's scared he won't be able to make Tayend happy. You really got all that across effectively, I really felt sorry for Dannyl. And Tayend's worries too are nicely displayed. I always did expect him to be cautious with Dannyl at first, this is probably different from any other relationship he's been in before.
Anyway, thank you for a lovely story, and hopefully you'll write more of it! XD