for Nightmare6/29/2011 c1 
1Sera Bonaparte
One issue I see with the story is that sometimes you switch the tense. For example, 'lie' should be 'lay', you should be wary of that.
I can't speak for the characterization of the characters, given I don't know much about them.
You seem to struggle with 'continuation' problems. You mentioned she fell to the ground when she was struck, but in the next sentence you mention that Steve turned around and saw her, which I assume meant she was still on the bed. Double-check your stories for things like this, make sure if you make a mention of something, it stays consistent throughout the story.
h ttp : / www. nanowrimo. org / eng / node / 3863890 # comment - 5393535
This is a pretty good comment about scene changes, I highly suggest it. The whole thread is about that topic.
Scene changing is another thing you can work on. There's really no 'set guide' to this. I was looking through Alex Flinn's "Beastly" (which I suggest you read, it's good :D) and when she shifts to a new scene, she adds and extra space between paragraphs to indicate that. Or you could do what that comment said. Either way would work, but I wouldn't advise you to add 'the next morning' in just one line. It sort of breaks the story flow and brings it to a halt.
Also the story pace is a bit too fast. There needs to be a better amount of imagery. Describle touch, taste, sound, smell, sight, things like that. They could also stretch your paragraphs further.
Dialogue tags! I haven't really touched upon this issue in a while. Dialogue tags shouldn't stray from 'asked' or 'said' because that's usually a sign of an amateur writer. This article explains it in far greater detail that I could.
h ttp : / www. writing-world. com/ fiction/ said. shtml (I don't know if you've actually read/looked at any of the links I've given you, but I strongly suggest you take a gander at the two I've given so far, they're quite helpful.)
Last point to make, reactions. They're awfully calm about being attacked by something the night before. I would think they'd be more guarded and tense.
Well, I'd suggest you pick up a Beta or someone who would be willing to look over your work before you post it or something so they can review ahead of time, that way you post the best of your work on fanfiction.
I commend you though, you've vastly improved since you first arrived here on fanfiction :D High-five for that!
1Sera BonaparteOne issue I see with the story is that sometimes you switch the tense. For example, 'lie' should be 'lay', you should be wary of that.
I can't speak for the characterization of the characters, given I don't know much about them.
You seem to struggle with 'continuation' problems. You mentioned she fell to the ground when she was struck, but in the next sentence you mention that Steve turned around and saw her, which I assume meant she was still on the bed. Double-check your stories for things like this, make sure if you make a mention of something, it stays consistent throughout the story.
h ttp : / www. nanowrimo. org / eng / node / 3863890 # comment - 5393535
This is a pretty good comment about scene changes, I highly suggest it. The whole thread is about that topic.
Scene changing is another thing you can work on. There's really no 'set guide' to this. I was looking through Alex Flinn's "Beastly" (which I suggest you read, it's good :D) and when she shifts to a new scene, she adds and extra space between paragraphs to indicate that. Or you could do what that comment said. Either way would work, but I wouldn't advise you to add 'the next morning' in just one line. It sort of breaks the story flow and brings it to a halt.
Also the story pace is a bit too fast. There needs to be a better amount of imagery. Describle touch, taste, sound, smell, sight, things like that. They could also stretch your paragraphs further.
Dialogue tags! I haven't really touched upon this issue in a while. Dialogue tags shouldn't stray from 'asked' or 'said' because that's usually a sign of an amateur writer. This article explains it in far greater detail that I could.
h ttp : / www. writing-world. com/ fiction/ said. shtml (I don't know if you've actually read/looked at any of the links I've given you, but I strongly suggest you take a gander at the two I've given so far, they're quite helpful.)
Last point to make, reactions. They're awfully calm about being attacked by something the night before. I would think they'd be more guarded and tense.
Well, I'd suggest you pick up a Beta or someone who would be willing to look over your work before you post it or something so they can review ahead of time, that way you post the best of your work on fanfiction.
I commend you though, you've vastly improved since you first arrived here on fanfiction :D High-five for that!