for An Accidental Star: A Suikoden Story1/23 c12 
4Hirume
Well, when I tried to make my own Suikoden story ('Quest' actually) in a forum recently, I made more mistakes than you did in this chapter.
Again I say that your story is easy to read, your word choice is more than a step above mine, and that your English is better than the majority of those I've found scattered about.
What I like most, is your characterization. Other than that, nothing of note except your typos.
Words I've noticed: Civilisation Civilization, ... his a giggle ... hid a giggle
4HirumeWell, when I tried to make my own Suikoden story ('Quest' actually) in a forum recently, I made more mistakes than you did in this chapter.
Again I say that your story is easy to read, your word choice is more than a step above mine, and that your English is better than the majority of those I've found scattered about.
What I like most, is your characterization. Other than that, nothing of note except your typos.
Words I've noticed: Civilisation Civilization, ... his a giggle ... hid a giggle
11/6/2012 c11 2RangerDeon
This was excellent.
I loved that not only did Ariel admit she was wrong, but Flik also admitted that he could have - and would have done something differently if he had known. I'm glad the two of them are back on the same page again, it makes Viktor's big ol' heart so happy. And Viktor's long-winded explanation of who Jowy and Riou were was hilarious. As someone who pays attention to the tiniest details, I must say that you've really got Viktor (and Flik of course) down.
2RangerDeonThis was excellent.
I loved that not only did Ariel admit she was wrong, but Flik also admitted that he could have - and would have done something differently if he had known. I'm glad the two of them are back on the same page again, it makes Viktor's big ol' heart so happy. And Viktor's long-winded explanation of who Jowy and Riou were was hilarious. As someone who pays attention to the tiniest details, I must say that you've really got Viktor (and Flik of course) down.
11/4/2012 c11 10Yami no Majou077
You really good in describing their nature. I like the interaction between ariel and flik. Good chapter!
10Yami no Majou077You really good in describing their nature. I like the interaction between ariel and flik. Good chapter!
11/3/2012 c10 2RangerDeon
I can just imagine the look on Flik's face (and the reaction Ari made) when he shouted "I saved you!" It was a brilliant counter to his otherwise calm and confused demeanor. That was my favorite part.
You really feel for the characters - Ari's emotional over reaction was justified because she lost her sister, so you feel bad for her. But her accusing Flik of not caring, even though he clearly did, makes you also feel bad for him. And then there's Viktor, the innocent bystander who doesn't even know what's going on, and is all "uhh...yeah...lets just call it a night". This was a very nice chapter.
2RangerDeonI can just imagine the look on Flik's face (and the reaction Ari made) when he shouted "I saved you!" It was a brilliant counter to his otherwise calm and confused demeanor. That was my favorite part.
You really feel for the characters - Ari's emotional over reaction was justified because she lost her sister, so you feel bad for her. But her accusing Flik of not caring, even though he clearly did, makes you also feel bad for him. And then there's Viktor, the innocent bystander who doesn't even know what's going on, and is all "uhh...yeah...lets just call it a night". This was a very nice chapter.
11/2/2012 c10 4Hirume
"Ah, Victor" comes into mind when I read this.
I'd give you advice, but I might give you wrong ones so I concede.
Still following, and liking, this.
4Hirume"Ah, Victor" comes into mind when I read this.
I'd give you advice, but I might give you wrong ones so I concede.
Still following, and liking, this.
11/1/2012 c10 KCMCDOHL
Awesome chapter! And poor Flik!
I love reading this. I feel you have the characters of Flik and Viktor down really well. Its a pleasure to read :)
Awesome chapter! And poor Flik!
I love reading this. I feel you have the characters of Flik and Viktor down really well. Its a pleasure to read :)
11/1/2012 c10 1Urbane Sombrero
This is such a cool story! Ariel is a very interesting character, as an apprentice runemistress, and I love the idea of following a refugee from Muse. I can't help but worry about what might happen to Saffron, given everything that goes down in Muse later on...It's also interesting to see Viktor & Flik's journey across the lake, since that was never really portrayed in the game.
The dynamic between Ariel & Flik really took an interesting turn in this most recent chapter. Very clever to spark this conflict between them, with Flik I'm sure always second-guessing himself and dealing with his guilt about Odessa, and Ariel understandably upset at the same time. And, as always, I have to admire how stoic Viktor is during this time, between losing Anabelle and being forced to abandon the city.
Looking forward to the upcoming chapters! :D
1Urbane SombreroThis is such a cool story! Ariel is a very interesting character, as an apprentice runemistress, and I love the idea of following a refugee from Muse. I can't help but worry about what might happen to Saffron, given everything that goes down in Muse later on...It's also interesting to see Viktor & Flik's journey across the lake, since that was never really portrayed in the game.
The dynamic between Ariel & Flik really took an interesting turn in this most recent chapter. Very clever to spark this conflict between them, with Flik I'm sure always second-guessing himself and dealing with his guilt about Odessa, and Ariel understandably upset at the same time. And, as always, I have to admire how stoic Viktor is during this time, between losing Anabelle and being forced to abandon the city.
Looking forward to the upcoming chapters! :D
11/1/2012 c10 42Hatsu Yukiya
This chapter was intense :O I never even thought about Flik and his rune.
42Hatsu YukiyaThis chapter was intense :O I never even thought about Flik and his rune.
9/17/2012 c9 4Hirume
Hnn... I remember adding this to my favorite and follows, so why isn't it?
Anyway, nice chapters. Victor seems too quiet though, and the blocks of text makes it harder to read.
I like your English, quite neat.
I'll be keeping a closer eye on this. Keep it up
4HirumeHnn... I remember adding this to my favorite and follows, so why isn't it?
Anyway, nice chapters. Victor seems too quiet though, and the blocks of text makes it harder to read.
I like your English, quite neat.
I'll be keeping a closer eye on this. Keep it up
9/14/2012 c9 5Graceful-Kuja
Very lovely, dear! I love the story, and the subtle references to back stories and other games! The only thing I didn't like was the spacing in chapter nine, since it was all cramped together unlike previous chapters, which were space nicely. Other than that, very good work! :D
5Graceful-KujaVery lovely, dear! I love the story, and the subtle references to back stories and other games! The only thing I didn't like was the spacing in chapter nine, since it was all cramped together unlike previous chapters, which were space nicely. Other than that, very good work! :D
9/10/2012 c9 42Hatsu Yukiya
Yeahh, clothes shopping! :D
Yes, I told you before that short chapters are okay. They're transitionary.
Update soon! It's gonna get exciting!
42Hatsu YukiyaYeahh, clothes shopping! :D
Yes, I told you before that short chapters are okay. They're transitionary.
Update soon! It's gonna get exciting!
12/15/2011 c1 6Yuyukangkang
You're a good writer. Can't wait how this story will flow. And Nash... I love your Nash :))
Hope his sister would be alright D:
6YuyukangkangYou're a good writer. Can't wait how this story will flow. And Nash... I love your Nash :))
Hope his sister would be alright D: