for A mercenary's tale5/19/2012 c8 
1BKone
I'd like to answer to that last review:
I can agree that those to dialogues are comaprable in their layout, but both are Asari and through all Mass Effect literature They are described as very perceptive and emotional. I disagree when you say nobody can read the expression of the eyes of someone else, don't know if you've never saw someone struggling with feelings or emotions but the eyes are the first thing to betray ones feelings.
Aynway thanks for the review I'm trying to improve on that, maybe I'm going to rewrite these parts a little to improve them.
1BKoneI'd like to answer to that last review:
I can agree that those to dialogues are comaprable in their layout, but both are Asari and through all Mass Effect literature They are described as very perceptive and emotional. I disagree when you say nobody can read the expression of the eyes of someone else, don't know if you've never saw someone struggling with feelings or emotions but the eyes are the first thing to betray ones feelings.
Aynway thanks for the review I'm trying to improve on that, maybe I'm going to rewrite these parts a little to improve them.
5/19/2012 c8 5OpenSourceArtist
I really did try, but I couldn't get no further than the 8th chapter of your story. The characters and their dialogue are so similar that I became too distracted to enjoy the plot.
This seems to be the trend in your dialogue between characters:
"It's a human expression, but I guess you wouldn't be too familiar with those."
"You are correct, I'm not familiar with human expressions."
"You look sad, and I can see it in your eyes, and you are very troubled."
"I am sad, and you are very observant to notice my eyes."
There's just this form of redundancy in your dialogue, which is further repeated during the context/descriptive sentences that are prior and post dialogue throughout your chapters. As a result, it's presented in too formal of a way to pass as a believable story, furthermore makes it that much more difficult to distinguish between characters given the painstaking similarities.
It seems like you're not detaching the character from your thoughts; allow me to elaborate with an example because that statement in and of itself can be confusing.
When Gray was in that bar with his friends, and the asari could "read" his eyes, that's a bit farfetched. How many people can see something in someone's eyes? Now, fast forward and he meets Serena, and when they get into his room, suddenly she can read into his eyes too. Because you're putting so much context into these unrealistic forms of communication (reading eyes), in addition to the redundant dialogue, these characters are difficult to grasp, and thus aren't really established in the story.
To summarize my criticisms: dialogue between characters are nearly identical and thus are nigh impossible to distinguish between, resulting in not believing in the story.
5OpenSourceArtistI really did try, but I couldn't get no further than the 8th chapter of your story. The characters and their dialogue are so similar that I became too distracted to enjoy the plot.
This seems to be the trend in your dialogue between characters:
"It's a human expression, but I guess you wouldn't be too familiar with those."
"You are correct, I'm not familiar with human expressions."
"You look sad, and I can see it in your eyes, and you are very troubled."
"I am sad, and you are very observant to notice my eyes."
There's just this form of redundancy in your dialogue, which is further repeated during the context/descriptive sentences that are prior and post dialogue throughout your chapters. As a result, it's presented in too formal of a way to pass as a believable story, furthermore makes it that much more difficult to distinguish between characters given the painstaking similarities.
It seems like you're not detaching the character from your thoughts; allow me to elaborate with an example because that statement in and of itself can be confusing.
When Gray was in that bar with his friends, and the asari could "read" his eyes, that's a bit farfetched. How many people can see something in someone's eyes? Now, fast forward and he meets Serena, and when they get into his room, suddenly she can read into his eyes too. Because you're putting so much context into these unrealistic forms of communication (reading eyes), in addition to the redundant dialogue, these characters are difficult to grasp, and thus aren't really established in the story.
To summarize my criticisms: dialogue between characters are nearly identical and thus are nigh impossible to distinguish between, resulting in not believing in the story.
5/14/2012 c21 3darkerego
One thing I have to say is it seems like too many ' on your words. Other than that it's good to see an update, this is a great story.
3darkeregoOne thing I have to say is it seems like too many ' on your words. Other than that it's good to see an update, this is a great story.
2/29/2012 c6 1Caelig
So far. its decent, though almost all of the dialogue sounds terribly formal. its not bad for Serena, but with Gray and the krogan, i'd think their speech more casual and flowing than the rigid formality of an Asari just starting out, like Liara was.
That's really my only criticism for what i've read so far.
1CaeligSo far. its decent, though almost all of the dialogue sounds terribly formal. its not bad for Serena, but with Gray and the krogan, i'd think their speech more casual and flowing than the rigid formality of an Asari just starting out, like Liara was.
That's really my only criticism for what i've read so far.
10/31/2011 c1 Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Grayson Carlyle? Mercenary? That sounds familiar. Almost like the name has been around in another universe for 20 years or so...
Grayson Carlyle? Mercenary? That sounds familiar. Almost like the name has been around in another universe for 20 years or so...
8/16/2011 c10 tasco
Great story so far! I really like how the story fits into the existing lore adding new characters. A recommendation to all ME fams who look out for something besides the 8135th Shepard story!
Great story so far! I really like how the story fits into the existing lore adding new characters. A recommendation to all ME fams who look out for something besides the 8135th Shepard story!
8/5/2011 c8 angelus288
Nice job on the story so far. A malehuman/asari paring, you don't see many of those. I particularly like that you are using mostly OCs in the story. Thats a nice change from all these Mass Effect rehashes.
Nice job on the story so far. A malehuman/asari paring, you don't see many of those. I particularly like that you are using mostly OCs in the story. Thats a nice change from all these Mass Effect rehashes.