for Love Over Death1/4/2012 c1 
74Gothic-Romantic99
Nice work with this story. It's so sad to see how Sayu has to take the news that her brother was Kira all along. That family went through so much pain because of that case and you did well to show that here. You did a great job showing all her emotions: sorrow, disbelief, anger, etc.
My favorite part has to be when she's thinking of her father's death and how Light was partially responsible for his death. I really like that line, "There are many police officers in the world, and chiefs are replaceable, but Sayu only had one father." It's nice and hits right in the heart.
Good decision with having Aizawa be the one to bear the news. It's great how you have Matsuda originally go to tell them, but he's too kind and would hate to hurt them any worse, so he doesn't tell him. Aizawa on the other hand isn't as sensitive as Matsuda (not to mention he pretty much figured out who Kira was before Light revealed the truth). That detail comes across as very realistic to the characters.
The mental confrontation between Light and Sayu is nicely done. It's interesting to see after all the horrible things he did, she still loves and forgives him. It's also a nice way to bring the story back to the opening line.
Good work with this story.
74Gothic-Romantic99Nice work with this story. It's so sad to see how Sayu has to take the news that her brother was Kira all along. That family went through so much pain because of that case and you did well to show that here. You did a great job showing all her emotions: sorrow, disbelief, anger, etc.
My favorite part has to be when she's thinking of her father's death and how Light was partially responsible for his death. I really like that line, "There are many police officers in the world, and chiefs are replaceable, but Sayu only had one father." It's nice and hits right in the heart.
Good decision with having Aizawa be the one to bear the news. It's great how you have Matsuda originally go to tell them, but he's too kind and would hate to hurt them any worse, so he doesn't tell him. Aizawa on the other hand isn't as sensitive as Matsuda (not to mention he pretty much figured out who Kira was before Light revealed the truth). That detail comes across as very realistic to the characters.
The mental confrontation between Light and Sayu is nicely done. It's interesting to see after all the horrible things he did, she still loves and forgives him. It's also a nice way to bring the story back to the opening line.
Good work with this story.
12/28/2011 c1 3Black-Phoenix-94
I LOVED it! I nearly cried reading it, it was done SO well, I'd always wondered what had happened to the Yagami family after Light's death & reading your story was like watching an actual episode from the anime, how the heck did you get to be such a great writer! Now if you don't mind I'm going to read something funny because that beautifully written story made me sad, again, well done on capturing all the emotions & the trauma of death, if I had to describe your story in just one word I'd have to say, brilliant, again sorry for the rather long review
~ Phoenix
3Black-Phoenix-94I LOVED it! I nearly cried reading it, it was done SO well, I'd always wondered what had happened to the Yagami family after Light's death & reading your story was like watching an actual episode from the anime, how the heck did you get to be such a great writer! Now if you don't mind I'm going to read something funny because that beautifully written story made me sad, again, well done on capturing all the emotions & the trauma of death, if I had to describe your story in just one word I'd have to say, brilliant, again sorry for the rather long review
~ Phoenix
10/31/2011 c1 33RayLedgend
You know, I couldn't help but read this with an overly dramatic voice for the dialogue (I used a squealy annoying voice for the narrator, though . . . sorry =P) Sadly, though, this fic really bored me. I'm gonna have a lot to say about it, but not a lot of it's gonna be good, so you might want to brace yourself =P
So, yeah, had it not been for me reading it aloud, I wouldn't have even finished this story. I mean, this kind of plot has been done so many times by now, and you don't really do it any better than anyone else. So, Sayu finds out Light's the worst human being . . . ever, has a little crisis about her brother and Kira being the same, falls into a quick depression, but ultimately comes to terms with it. Whee . . .
I do like how Sayu's argument with herself in the beginning pretty much breaks down to "Light was a pure soul. He just became a cold blooded killer because he was bored when he found the power to kill people (lol wut?)."
"No, stupid. He was pure evil, and he always has been. Even on the day he was born, he was a wicked soul!"
She doesn't think "He was mostly good, but we all have a dark side, ya know? It just so happens, Light lost control of his." No, he was either pure good, but corrupted (by boredome =P), or just black hearted evil right from the word 'go.'
Some of your writing was a little awkward, too. Like, it feels like you could really beef up your paragraphs a bit. For example, you wrote:
"Light plopped down on the couch beside his little sister and turned off the television. She turned to him, and the two just stared at one another for ages. His brown hair fell neatly over his forehead. "Are you Kira?" Sayu finally asked, out of the blue."
Now, although you say they "stared at one another for ages", you don't make it feel like they've been staring for ages. It doesn't even feel like they've been staring for a minute or two, so when Sayu 'finally' asked if he was Kira, it doesn't feel very 'out of the blue.' You'd have done well, to add a little more meat to that whole bit. Maybe describe what Light's gaze looked like. The color of his eyes, the intensity, or horrible blankness of his stare, or whatever was in your mind's eye. The hint of malice you wouldn't notice unless you were looking closely, maybe. Maybe mention how time around them stood still or some such. Just throwing things out there. Anything to not make it feel like "they were staring for a long time. I know it doesn't seem like they were, but take my word for it." Of course, this is all ignoring whether Light plopping down like a sack of potatoes was really your mental vision, or if it was just poor word choice.
Now, I'm going to make an assumption here, so if I'm wrong, don't crucify me for it =P I'm gonna assume this was a kind of "written in one sitting, and posted hot off the presses" kind of story. I mean, I'm guilty of it myself, and it seems like some of your awkward paragraph structure is the kind of thing I write when I can't come up with more to say on the spot. It's kinda hypocritical of me to suggest this piece of advice, but if I'm right, you may want to not post your work right when you finish it. Let it sit, then come back and reread it the next day, and see what feels off to you.
On the good side, props for not using any "san"s or "Konnichiwa"s or any of that bull***. It feels bad of me to have nothing else positive to say, but a lot of people out there think they're cool for being all "wannabe Japanese" so respect for being above the influence =P
Look, your writing isn't horrible by any means. Maybe a bit boring, but you're still better than a lot of the people on this site. Just, there are always things to work on.
Well, I've rambled for way longer than I thought I would, and I hope I didn't come across as an **. I want to give constructive criticism when I review, but a lot of times, it just turns into plain ol' criticism, so sorry ^_^;
33RayLedgendYou know, I couldn't help but read this with an overly dramatic voice for the dialogue (I used a squealy annoying voice for the narrator, though . . . sorry =P) Sadly, though, this fic really bored me. I'm gonna have a lot to say about it, but not a lot of it's gonna be good, so you might want to brace yourself =P
So, yeah, had it not been for me reading it aloud, I wouldn't have even finished this story. I mean, this kind of plot has been done so many times by now, and you don't really do it any better than anyone else. So, Sayu finds out Light's the worst human being . . . ever, has a little crisis about her brother and Kira being the same, falls into a quick depression, but ultimately comes to terms with it. Whee . . .
I do like how Sayu's argument with herself in the beginning pretty much breaks down to "Light was a pure soul. He just became a cold blooded killer because he was bored when he found the power to kill people (lol wut?)."
"No, stupid. He was pure evil, and he always has been. Even on the day he was born, he was a wicked soul!"
She doesn't think "He was mostly good, but we all have a dark side, ya know? It just so happens, Light lost control of his." No, he was either pure good, but corrupted (by boredome =P), or just black hearted evil right from the word 'go.'
Some of your writing was a little awkward, too. Like, it feels like you could really beef up your paragraphs a bit. For example, you wrote:
"Light plopped down on the couch beside his little sister and turned off the television. She turned to him, and the two just stared at one another for ages. His brown hair fell neatly over his forehead. "Are you Kira?" Sayu finally asked, out of the blue."
Now, although you say they "stared at one another for ages", you don't make it feel like they've been staring for ages. It doesn't even feel like they've been staring for a minute or two, so when Sayu 'finally' asked if he was Kira, it doesn't feel very 'out of the blue.' You'd have done well, to add a little more meat to that whole bit. Maybe describe what Light's gaze looked like. The color of his eyes, the intensity, or horrible blankness of his stare, or whatever was in your mind's eye. The hint of malice you wouldn't notice unless you were looking closely, maybe. Maybe mention how time around them stood still or some such. Just throwing things out there. Anything to not make it feel like "they were staring for a long time. I know it doesn't seem like they were, but take my word for it." Of course, this is all ignoring whether Light plopping down like a sack of potatoes was really your mental vision, or if it was just poor word choice.
Now, I'm going to make an assumption here, so if I'm wrong, don't crucify me for it =P I'm gonna assume this was a kind of "written in one sitting, and posted hot off the presses" kind of story. I mean, I'm guilty of it myself, and it seems like some of your awkward paragraph structure is the kind of thing I write when I can't come up with more to say on the spot. It's kinda hypocritical of me to suggest this piece of advice, but if I'm right, you may want to not post your work right when you finish it. Let it sit, then come back and reread it the next day, and see what feels off to you.
On the good side, props for not using any "san"s or "Konnichiwa"s or any of that bull***. It feels bad of me to have nothing else positive to say, but a lot of people out there think they're cool for being all "wannabe Japanese" so respect for being above the influence =P
Look, your writing isn't horrible by any means. Maybe a bit boring, but you're still better than a lot of the people on this site. Just, there are always things to work on.
Well, I've rambled for way longer than I thought I would, and I hope I didn't come across as an **. I want to give constructive criticism when I review, but a lot of times, it just turns into plain ol' criticism, so sorry ^_^;
10/27/2011 c1 16Ruin Takada
DrPepper4Ever,
This is the first thing I've read of yours, so I'm not going to tell you what to continue. Instead, I'm going to tell you that I enjoyed reading this fic, and I want to see more of your work at some point.
For some reason, I think you and I are on a similar wave-length. We both wanted to see Sayu's reactions, and we both showed them to the world. Now, if you wanna see mine since I saw yours, my fic is called CoffinSide, and it's about Sayu's grief without her knowing that her brother is Kira. You might like it, you might not, but I thought you'd like to know of it anyways.
Please keep writing, you have some talent here, I can see.
Ruin Takada XXX
16Ruin TakadaDrPepper4Ever,
This is the first thing I've read of yours, so I'm not going to tell you what to continue. Instead, I'm going to tell you that I enjoyed reading this fic, and I want to see more of your work at some point.
For some reason, I think you and I are on a similar wave-length. We both wanted to see Sayu's reactions, and we both showed them to the world. Now, if you wanna see mine since I saw yours, my fic is called CoffinSide, and it's about Sayu's grief without her knowing that her brother is Kira. You might like it, you might not, but I thought you'd like to know of it anyways.
Please keep writing, you have some talent here, I can see.
Ruin Takada XXX
10/26/2011 c1 13cartoonromancer
I just finished the series and I was thinking of making a "Your son/brother was Kira" fanfic. This was so sad though! I always like remembering poor Sayu :( Such a sad fic but I love the dreams she has with Light...WAH!
13cartoonromancerI just finished the series and I was thinking of making a "Your son/brother was Kira" fanfic. This was so sad though! I always like remembering poor Sayu :( Such a sad fic but I love the dreams she has with Light...WAH!
10/21/2011 c1 2Watergirl1105
Wow, this is adorable, and upsetting. I think it portrays well how Sayu would feel about this situation, becuase we know she really loved her brother, and i don't think a simple fact as him being Kira would stop her. That may be a bit naive, but it's family love, kind of like how Soichiro died thinking his son was innocent. He believed in and loved his son to the end, even with the pressure of his son being Kira. So great little one shot!
2Watergirl1105Wow, this is adorable, and upsetting. I think it portrays well how Sayu would feel about this situation, becuase we know she really loved her brother, and i don't think a simple fact as him being Kira would stop her. That may be a bit naive, but it's family love, kind of like how Soichiro died thinking his son was innocent. He believed in and loved his son to the end, even with the pressure of his son being Kira. So great little one shot!