1/27/2012 c3 16Vanishing Trooper
I was intrigued that someone would actually up and try to make a fic crossing Disgaea with Neptunia, so I decided to give this a shot.

I'll be honest with you and just say it because there is no easy way to do so, it's not very good.

You have the characters down pat but that isn't too hard to begin with. The Excuse Plot can be forgiven and handwaved away since Nippon Ichi has done crazier things with its characters. The main issue is the body of the fic itself and the way you structure the story.

There are more words for the dialogue than there are words for narration and description. That is never a good thing for a story. It only took you one paragraph to describe the Neptunia cast who were there. Your fight scenes have more dialogue than actual fighting, which is sad and ironic considering how over the top the fights in both games can get. Take more time in describing each scene. It will make chapters longer and take you longer to update but it is worth it to get the overall quality of the story up. Show the readers what happens and don't just tell them about it through the characters. Describe what happens in each scene, each fight, each interaction. Readers can't see how you see the story, it is up to you to make them see it. You don't have to make intricate details about everything, just show them what happens as it happens.

Now, you're probably assuming that the people who read this have already played both games. Understandable but the reality is that most people who will read this fic are those who have played Disgaea 4 and were rolling around for crossovers for it. You have to understand, Neptunia was NOT a good game. The sequel is good but it won't be released in English for a few more weeks. Going by that logic, you'll need to flesh out the Neptunia world and cast a lot more for the sake of those readers. Otherwise, they'll just treat the cast as OCs that they shouldn't really care about and just be there for more Valvatorez hijinks.

I understand that this is your first fic but even if it's just your first, you can definitely put in the effort to make it as great as you can.

Keep writing and give more thought to your scenes. This fic has a lot of potential, it just needs just as much work for it to work and be memorable.

Cheers~

12/21/2011 c3 Sony Ninja
and so the battle has begun, great chapter I'm really looking forward to the next one so till then see ya.XD

12/12/2011 c1 Sony Ninja
well this story has my interest, a crossover between two of my favorite games well done and the preview was even spot on, really looking forward to a new chapter so till then see ya.XD