for Scar Tissue3/20/2012 c1 
16skyward.eyes
you have a very interesting writing style. i can tell that you read a lot based on the composition. it makes me happy to know that there are actually real aspiring writers who write well on fanfiction. net. you captured the character well, the setting well, you touched the details well. i'm faving this immediately :-)
as for the feedback, i think you may work more on developing your style, make it firm. you have to simplify some parts so that your readers could relate more with the details.
but a great start and a good job nonetheless ! :-)
16skyward.eyesyou have a very interesting writing style. i can tell that you read a lot based on the composition. it makes me happy to know that there are actually real aspiring writers who write well on fanfiction. net. you captured the character well, the setting well, you touched the details well. i'm faving this immediately :-)
as for the feedback, i think you may work more on developing your style, make it firm. you have to simplify some parts so that your readers could relate more with the details.
but a great start and a good job nonetheless ! :-)
12/22/2011 c1 97Razer Athane
Sorry for not being here sooner :3
"Yo hoy! 'Rang? You alive yet? Tch, did you at least find some tits to rest that red head of yours on?" - XD
He hangs around bars and alley-ways like a piece of graffiti too awkward to look at. - This is lovely.
Seoul disappears in a whirlwind of leaked sounds and suppressed rage. / He doesn't stop to check if he's alive. - Love love love
Seriously, you should slow down, the bird taunts him from farther ahead. You should get used to this waiting-game. - This is great!
A hundred little dreams, he thinks. A hundred fucking dreams he killed and now that he honestly dwells on it - LKJADAJSDKHASKD
What do you have to prove? - I love this so much. SO MUCH.
Nice work as always!
97Razer AthaneSorry for not being here sooner :3
"Yo hoy! 'Rang? You alive yet? Tch, did you at least find some tits to rest that red head of yours on?" - XD
He hangs around bars and alley-ways like a piece of graffiti too awkward to look at. - This is lovely.
Seoul disappears in a whirlwind of leaked sounds and suppressed rage. / He doesn't stop to check if he's alive. - Love love love
Seriously, you should slow down, the bird taunts him from farther ahead. You should get used to this waiting-game. - This is great!
A hundred little dreams, he thinks. A hundred fucking dreams he killed and now that he honestly dwells on it - LKJADAJSDKHASKD
What do you have to prove? - I love this so much. SO MUCH.
Nice work as always!
12/18/2011 c1 18Sage Pagan
Welcome back to ffnet :D
"Reduced" set the tone for the other vignettes, for the whole one-shot, really. As I read it I felt like I too was in an ocean. It starts as a watery lull, a slow, murky plunge into Hwo's misery, and then picks up again at the end of "Resolved" as he returns to fire and air, to rebellion and escape. It really reflects the different aspects of his character, but with common undercurrents of angst. Loved it.
Favorite passages include:
- 'Depth was never his thing, especially if it got darker the further he went.' This is so Hwo. Better to get lost at the bottom of a bottle than to face what's inside himself.
- The paragraph that begins with 'He hangs around bars and alley-ways like a piece of graffiti too awkward to look at.' Gold, dude. Gold.
- 'He doesn't stop to check if he's alive.' So simple, but it really sums up who he is.
I was reminded of Prometheus and the eagle when Hwo dreamed of being devoured by vultures while chained to a mountain. It's even more fitting that both men love fire/are fiery :D
I like how you continued this bird imagery in "Revoked," where you interpret Hunting Hawk in a literal sense. Yes, it's metaphorical, but as I read it I could totally imagine the redhead chasing down the hawk. He doesn't seem like he's in the most coherent state of mind, as he's desperate to be free and to escape whatever is tormenting him. At the same time, he IS Hawk, in that Hawk shows him truth and taunts him with his unrealized dreams and with that freedom he craves.
Overall, another great piece. Looking forward to more!
18Sage PaganWelcome back to ffnet :D
"Reduced" set the tone for the other vignettes, for the whole one-shot, really. As I read it I felt like I too was in an ocean. It starts as a watery lull, a slow, murky plunge into Hwo's misery, and then picks up again at the end of "Resolved" as he returns to fire and air, to rebellion and escape. It really reflects the different aspects of his character, but with common undercurrents of angst. Loved it.
Favorite passages include:
- 'Depth was never his thing, especially if it got darker the further he went.' This is so Hwo. Better to get lost at the bottom of a bottle than to face what's inside himself.
- The paragraph that begins with 'He hangs around bars and alley-ways like a piece of graffiti too awkward to look at.' Gold, dude. Gold.
- 'He doesn't stop to check if he's alive.' So simple, but it really sums up who he is.
I was reminded of Prometheus and the eagle when Hwo dreamed of being devoured by vultures while chained to a mountain. It's even more fitting that both men love fire/are fiery :D
I like how you continued this bird imagery in "Revoked," where you interpret Hunting Hawk in a literal sense. Yes, it's metaphorical, but as I read it I could totally imagine the redhead chasing down the hawk. He doesn't seem like he's in the most coherent state of mind, as he's desperate to be free and to escape whatever is tormenting him. At the same time, he IS Hawk, in that Hawk shows him truth and taunts him with his unrealized dreams and with that freedom he craves.
Overall, another great piece. Looking forward to more!