1/4/2012 c1 113Farla
It's nice to hear that you're so concerned about rewriting and improving. However, if you want to fix up your writing I'd suggest finding a skilled beta who's got a strong grasp of writing mechanics to help you out. Your story is mostly fine but it's still got some errors.

["Come again in about a week and we will have a pokémon for you." The professor said. ]

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned or "Hello." he grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Trainers start at ten. Also, by sixteen I'd think he'd know enough to do things like call ahead to find out if the professor has a pokemon, as well as not being devastated by the idea of waiting a few more days for a starter.

You also shouldn't jump between first person POV. If you need multiple POVs, use third person. Third is generally the best for a story anyway.

[I briefly wondered if I could go out and catch a starter for my son myself though I dismissed the idea. The chances of me finding a pokémon he really wanted was slim at best. ]

It's nice you're trying to address this plot hole, but it doesn't make sense. Getting a pokemon doesn't mean he has to have it with him for the rest of time. If he really didn't want it, he could keep it just long enough to catch something he did want. I realize that most stories don't involve this, but if your trainer is going to be an absurdly picky one in the first place it'll come up anyway.

Plus, she could always just loan him one of her pokemon and have him return it when he's ready.

["For those seeking a new adventure come to the mysterious Shinto region. Here many pokémon await your capture with the majority of the island filled with pokémon from regions you may not have been before. Any and all trainers that want a new adventure can get here by boat; just print the special ticket out, online. As an added bonus we even give away starter pokémon for new trainers. The chance to join this region ends at the end of the month of September so hurry on trainers!" ]

And this is just incredibly contrived.

Look, if you want him to go to the new region, have him starting with that and just reference that he did it because he wanted a free starter.

But you should really give it a better description than "mysterious Shinto region" unless the place is actually uninhabited or something.

[But I'll bare your hatred ]

Bear. Bare is what naked people are.

[The look she had on her face was that look she always wore when she knew victory was in her grasps and the only way for her to lose was for something unexpected happened. ]

It's "grasp" and "to happen", but also, you really don't need to be so elaborate about her expression. Victory being in her grasp covers it, trying to clarify by specifying how victory might still not happen just distracts from your original point.

["I'm not sure if I can take on the trainers and pokémon that live in there. I've never been much of a battler." Even though she said that though, the look on her face that just made you believe she would try it anyways and sure enough her usual smile came back to her face. "I think we should try it though, I mean what's the worst that can happen?" ]

It's nice to see you're keeping in mind the fact that adults have pokemon and skill of their own.

And the bit about the tower is quite interesting, but it seems forced to be happening right as he's about leave to be a trainer (plus, someone about to be a trainer should at least know the basics of battling). It would really make more sense to have this be happening on its own and having him decide to leave for another region separately, or perhaps getting the idea he should do so from the dream while he's unconscious.

Anyway, like I said I really think your best bet is a good beta reader. This story is just rough at a lot of points. You seem like you're putting in a lot more effort than most people around here, but it's a lot easier if you have someone pointing out where there's a problem instead of trying to work it all out as you write.