for Ode to L Lawliet1/22/2012 c1 TabbyCat33098
Hey Wanderer! I just realized that I could put in an "anon" review under my name, so I'm gonna do that. I'll probably do that for other anon reviews in my other stories.
Anyways, I felt like your review needed to be answered. First off, I'd like to thank you for your suggestions. I know this poem could use a lot of work, especially since I only spent about an hour total on it, when I usually spend much longer on my poetry. There is indeed a bit of awkwardness in it. I suppose I blame that on me trying to write the majority of this in class, while still attempting to pay attention to the teacher. As you can tell, it didn't really work.
Also, re: the panda, I know it's an obscure reference, but I've heard L referred to as a panda a lot, and I just thought it was cute. Also, I needed a metaphor, and this was the first thing that came to mind. But the insomniac suggestion is actually really good. I never even thought of that, thank you. :)
And yes, the majority of my rhymes in this aren't EXACT rhymes. They're more "approximate" rhymes. Mainly because I didn't do it till the day before it was due, and therefore didn't really put too much effort into it. I tried do an ababcdcd type pattern, with each stanza having a different rhyme scheme, and the majority of my rhymes turned out to be just a little off. But, and I don't mean to be rude or condescending or anything, personally, I feel that my rhymes weren't too off. I feel like yeah, that 's' on the end mayb throws it off just a tad, but I didn't think it was too bad.
But yeah, thanks for your feedback, wanderer! I'm sure it'll help me later on when I write more poetry. :)
Hey Wanderer! I just realized that I could put in an "anon" review under my name, so I'm gonna do that. I'll probably do that for other anon reviews in my other stories.
Anyways, I felt like your review needed to be answered. First off, I'd like to thank you for your suggestions. I know this poem could use a lot of work, especially since I only spent about an hour total on it, when I usually spend much longer on my poetry. There is indeed a bit of awkwardness in it. I suppose I blame that on me trying to write the majority of this in class, while still attempting to pay attention to the teacher. As you can tell, it didn't really work.
Also, re: the panda, I know it's an obscure reference, but I've heard L referred to as a panda a lot, and I just thought it was cute. Also, I needed a metaphor, and this was the first thing that came to mind. But the insomniac suggestion is actually really good. I never even thought of that, thank you. :)
And yes, the majority of my rhymes in this aren't EXACT rhymes. They're more "approximate" rhymes. Mainly because I didn't do it till the day before it was due, and therefore didn't really put too much effort into it. I tried do an ababcdcd type pattern, with each stanza having a different rhyme scheme, and the majority of my rhymes turned out to be just a little off. But, and I don't mean to be rude or condescending or anything, personally, I feel that my rhymes weren't too off. I feel like yeah, that 's' on the end mayb throws it off just a tad, but I didn't think it was too bad.
But yeah, thanks for your feedback, wanderer! I'm sure it'll help me later on when I write more poetry. :)
1/20/2012 c1 Wanderer
It's certainly whimsical. Brought a smile to my face.
Perhaps a few suggestions?
The rhythm needs a little tweaking here and there. Some lines, such as 'And though the world tries to choose,/It will never find the successor it seeks.' seem awkward.
The reference to raven-haired panda will be lost and comes across as cryptic. A more simple and direct approach is to say 'This lone insomniac remains unique'.
Some final rhymes do not match too, eg. 'shoes/choose', 'unique/seeks' and 'pawn/on'. I supposed 'men/again' can be explained as half-rhymes but if that is the case, then, there is no consistency in the way your use rhymes.
It's certainly whimsical. Brought a smile to my face.
Perhaps a few suggestions?
The rhythm needs a little tweaking here and there. Some lines, such as 'And though the world tries to choose,/It will never find the successor it seeks.' seem awkward.
The reference to raven-haired panda will be lost and comes across as cryptic. A more simple and direct approach is to say 'This lone insomniac remains unique'.
Some final rhymes do not match too, eg. 'shoes/choose', 'unique/seeks' and 'pawn/on'. I supposed 'men/again' can be explained as half-rhymes but if that is the case, then, there is no consistency in the way your use rhymes.