for A World Apart4/3/2012 c1 
11Ganheim
A video game where it never rained
[But there are plenty of field areas where it’s drizzling, in grass and canyon type fields]
fissures wounds about
[I’d think either “wound” or ‘wind’]
someone's boot grounded
[ground]
Chapter 2
Haseo inserted flatly
[Given that there’s not streams of monologuing, I think that ‘stated’ seems to fit the conversation pattern better than ‘inserted’, which seems to imply that he’s fighting to get his words in]
the memories the old man showed me. . . They weren't mine." They were Skeith's, not Ryou's
[Now that’s a plot hook. Unfortunately, somebody else is going to have to tackle that. I’m already working on Second Shot and The Best Laid Plans]
Chapter 3
if you stop in the middle of a word it's easier to pick up your train of thought
[Only if you have Eidedic memory. Otherwise you’d best leave notes on some ideas. If you’ve already got a rough outline or something that’s not always necessary]
Suddenly he was pinned
[Suddenly,]
Chapter 4
Talking careful and slow was awkward
[“Speaking carefully” sounds better, though a few other rephrases could also do. I think as is it’s awkward]
He didn't know how to stop
[Interesting point to postulate]
Did The World respect honesty?
[Does the internet?]
Interesting oneshots. I’d like to see a little more development with a couple of them (the one with Atoli seemed a bit like a halfshot more than a oneshot). The snippets of characterization all seem in line with canon, which is good.
11GanheimA video game where it never rained
[But there are plenty of field areas where it’s drizzling, in grass and canyon type fields]
fissures wounds about
[I’d think either “wound” or ‘wind’]
someone's boot grounded
[ground]
Chapter 2
Haseo inserted flatly
[Given that there’s not streams of monologuing, I think that ‘stated’ seems to fit the conversation pattern better than ‘inserted’, which seems to imply that he’s fighting to get his words in]
the memories the old man showed me. . . They weren't mine." They were Skeith's, not Ryou's
[Now that’s a plot hook. Unfortunately, somebody else is going to have to tackle that. I’m already working on Second Shot and The Best Laid Plans]
Chapter 3
if you stop in the middle of a word it's easier to pick up your train of thought
[Only if you have Eidedic memory. Otherwise you’d best leave notes on some ideas. If you’ve already got a rough outline or something that’s not always necessary]
Suddenly he was pinned
[Suddenly,]
Chapter 4
Talking careful and slow was awkward
[“Speaking carefully” sounds better, though a few other rephrases could also do. I think as is it’s awkward]
He didn't know how to stop
[Interesting point to postulate]
Did The World respect honesty?
[Does the internet?]
Interesting oneshots. I’d like to see a little more development with a couple of them (the one with Atoli seemed a bit like a halfshot more than a oneshot). The snippets of characterization all seem in line with canon, which is good.