for SC2 poems!5/13/2012 c2 
4wolfiuz1
You're sister..wrote this one? and she's only seven? dear lord that's brilliant, she'll be writing fic's in a while.
4wolfiuz1You're sister..wrote this one? and she's only seven? dear lord that's brilliant, she'll be writing fic's in a while.
3/14/2012 c2 2Turiski
Small comment; the end of "line 5" in part one was supposed to say "the influence of the commas," but I guess I got excited or something.
In any case, this one is better than the last one, so Part One might be a bit shorter.
On a sort of meta-note, I think this is a pretty cool project and while I'm going to be back in school soon, I'll see what I can do about reviewing each one of them. Maybe that's a little incentive to not let the project die, yes? Sorry, don't mean to imply anything about you personally, but statistically fan writings don't typically have a non-unital xi. OH MAN WHO GOT THAT JOKE? Some chemist out there is like "hehe, that's so funny…" and yes I have been watching Day9 recently, why do you ask?
[ Ahem ]
Part One: (or; In Which I Try to Rag on this Poem which is Actually Pretty Good)
Alright, for line-by-line analysis, all I really got is
Line 2: It's spelled 'feet'. Or at least it should be; I guess you could be talking about a running feat but honestly we just expect that kind of stamina from a Zergling; he's not supposed to get tired.
Line 5: 'spears of wonder' is a really bizarre phrase that sounds more like an acid trip than a way you'd describe zerg eyes.
However, this brings me to line 8, which is fine in its own right but eech, I'm not sure about this one.
So first of all, rhyming a word with itself is pretty lame, as a general rule. The thing is, I'm not sure what you would do instead, because I'm already unhappy with how similar line 1 is to line 8 (I'll get to that), so the idea of changing it to an exact repeat makes me shudder. And 'eat'… I guess you could make it work but that would break the tone so hard. There are probably interesting words that could make it work but honestly it would probably require a rewrite of line 7 and possibly then lines 1 and 2 as well.
Yeah, about that repetition. It was cool with the Zealot for two reasons. First, because it thematically -worked- on both sides of the poem, and it evoked the whole cycle-forever thing. Second, because repetition implies a degree of reflection. Since it naturally brings the reader's thoughts back to where it was used before, we expect that it is suggestive of the persona being contemplative. You can see the problem: That's exactly what we would not expect from a Zergling.
And yes, it wasn't technically a repetition. However, it was sufficiently close to evoke that kind of reflection.
Finally, keep up with the punctuation; not every line needs a comma at the end, but if you keep up the mechanics when they don't really matter, you can drop/alter them when they do for some added emphasis. (Personally, I would have a comma after every one of these lines except for line 6, which might need a period. Well, maybe not. That's a place where the strict 'wrongness' of a comma is really irrelevant compared to the need not to force a stop (see below).)
Yeah, like I said, there really wasn't that much that went wrong. Unfortunately, not much went right either, but let's see what we can get from it.
Part Two: (or; You're Starting on a Dark and Dangerous Path of being Awesome at Writing Zerg)
'Dripping flesh.' Blood imagery is always a good start for the Zerg. Also, the notion of a promise hints very subtly at the Overmind behind the scenes. A quick wink and nod to the reason for its madness, but it doesn't dwell on the subject long because of course reason is not an important concept for this little guy.
Trochees (stress-unstress) are the perfect rhythm scheme, because it sounds like the running of a Zergling speeding along, which makes it a match for the 'running' of line 2 as well as the rough imagery that the rest of the poem describes as if scenery being blazed by. The couplets help this as well, since they are rhyme which are quickly used and forgotten, and so feel 'short-sighted.' All of these help emphasize the persona's frantic pace.
The light/dark imagery in line 3 is emphasized by the repetition of sounds leading into 'night' and 'fire' (that would be the double s's and the 'of's). The sounds of distress that precede them make it clear which side of the light/dark divide we lie on.
I do like line four but I can't explain why. It feels like there is some undertone of Hell and temptation that is coming though, or it might have something to do with the Zergling's constant emphasis on the present that makes these two earthly wants… something. I've lost my words for this one.
The next two describe two of the body parts using a pair of quite-far-out-there similes that really act to drive home the complete animal nature of the persona. The confinement of this type of comparison to a single couplet again emphasizes its short attention span.
However, note the effect of dropping the masculine endings (you put an unstressed). Arguably this happened in the previous couplet, but the confining effect is not what is important here*. In this case, it completes the trochaic meter which has since the beginning been slightly unfinished. That serves to draw the reader even further into the rhythmic logic of the beast. The conscious thought begins to lose power over the verse's relentless push onward.
* Actually, the "half-syllable" might arguably serve a preparatory role, as the meter gets more and more complete, making the rhythm trap that much less noticeable.
All this is set up so that we get a running start into line 7, and read right over 'maiden's arm' as though it were something completely normal. It is only after the abrupt return of the masculine ending and the imagery of 'dripping flesh' that the reader realizes what they actually just read. Though we couldn't have stopped it, the sensitive among us will still feel like we should have at least disapproved of it, but by letting it slide under our attention we've implicitly allowed it.
That kind of emotional play is a class act, and it's so cool to see you use it to give us some insight into the mental state of the Zergling. And that, my friend, is why I like it.
I'm still not in favor of the repetition, though. Now after reading it again, it makes more sense to change the first couplet rather than the last one, because even though it really is a good thing to start the blood imagery right quick, it could be done another way, or even left to be the responsibility of line 2.
As you do continue, I'm interested to see how you differentiate these guys from the 'higher-ups' of the Zerg units. (I'm actually just a huge Zerg fanboy. So don't be surprised if I'm a lot harsher on those then your other ones. For this one, the repetition really drops the ball, but besides that it's excellent, so I was inclined to gush a bit.)
Can't wait to see where you want to go with "Marine". Lots of paths for that one.
Regards,
Turiski
2TuriskiSmall comment; the end of "line 5" in part one was supposed to say "the influence of the commas," but I guess I got excited or something.
In any case, this one is better than the last one, so Part One might be a bit shorter.
On a sort of meta-note, I think this is a pretty cool project and while I'm going to be back in school soon, I'll see what I can do about reviewing each one of them. Maybe that's a little incentive to not let the project die, yes? Sorry, don't mean to imply anything about you personally, but statistically fan writings don't typically have a non-unital xi. OH MAN WHO GOT THAT JOKE? Some chemist out there is like "hehe, that's so funny…" and yes I have been watching Day9 recently, why do you ask?
[ Ahem ]
Part One: (or; In Which I Try to Rag on this Poem which is Actually Pretty Good)
Alright, for line-by-line analysis, all I really got is
Line 2: It's spelled 'feet'. Or at least it should be; I guess you could be talking about a running feat but honestly we just expect that kind of stamina from a Zergling; he's not supposed to get tired.
Line 5: 'spears of wonder' is a really bizarre phrase that sounds more like an acid trip than a way you'd describe zerg eyes.
However, this brings me to line 8, which is fine in its own right but eech, I'm not sure about this one.
So first of all, rhyming a word with itself is pretty lame, as a general rule. The thing is, I'm not sure what you would do instead, because I'm already unhappy with how similar line 1 is to line 8 (I'll get to that), so the idea of changing it to an exact repeat makes me shudder. And 'eat'… I guess you could make it work but that would break the tone so hard. There are probably interesting words that could make it work but honestly it would probably require a rewrite of line 7 and possibly then lines 1 and 2 as well.
Yeah, about that repetition. It was cool with the Zealot for two reasons. First, because it thematically -worked- on both sides of the poem, and it evoked the whole cycle-forever thing. Second, because repetition implies a degree of reflection. Since it naturally brings the reader's thoughts back to where it was used before, we expect that it is suggestive of the persona being contemplative. You can see the problem: That's exactly what we would not expect from a Zergling.
And yes, it wasn't technically a repetition. However, it was sufficiently close to evoke that kind of reflection.
Finally, keep up with the punctuation; not every line needs a comma at the end, but if you keep up the mechanics when they don't really matter, you can drop/alter them when they do for some added emphasis. (Personally, I would have a comma after every one of these lines except for line 6, which might need a period. Well, maybe not. That's a place where the strict 'wrongness' of a comma is really irrelevant compared to the need not to force a stop (see below).)
Yeah, like I said, there really wasn't that much that went wrong. Unfortunately, not much went right either, but let's see what we can get from it.
Part Two: (or; You're Starting on a Dark and Dangerous Path of being Awesome at Writing Zerg)
'Dripping flesh.' Blood imagery is always a good start for the Zerg. Also, the notion of a promise hints very subtly at the Overmind behind the scenes. A quick wink and nod to the reason for its madness, but it doesn't dwell on the subject long because of course reason is not an important concept for this little guy.
Trochees (stress-unstress) are the perfect rhythm scheme, because it sounds like the running of a Zergling speeding along, which makes it a match for the 'running' of line 2 as well as the rough imagery that the rest of the poem describes as if scenery being blazed by. The couplets help this as well, since they are rhyme which are quickly used and forgotten, and so feel 'short-sighted.' All of these help emphasize the persona's frantic pace.
The light/dark imagery in line 3 is emphasized by the repetition of sounds leading into 'night' and 'fire' (that would be the double s's and the 'of's). The sounds of distress that precede them make it clear which side of the light/dark divide we lie on.
I do like line four but I can't explain why. It feels like there is some undertone of Hell and temptation that is coming though, or it might have something to do with the Zergling's constant emphasis on the present that makes these two earthly wants… something. I've lost my words for this one.
The next two describe two of the body parts using a pair of quite-far-out-there similes that really act to drive home the complete animal nature of the persona. The confinement of this type of comparison to a single couplet again emphasizes its short attention span.
However, note the effect of dropping the masculine endings (you put an unstressed). Arguably this happened in the previous couplet, but the confining effect is not what is important here*. In this case, it completes the trochaic meter which has since the beginning been slightly unfinished. That serves to draw the reader even further into the rhythmic logic of the beast. The conscious thought begins to lose power over the verse's relentless push onward.
* Actually, the "half-syllable" might arguably serve a preparatory role, as the meter gets more and more complete, making the rhythm trap that much less noticeable.
All this is set up so that we get a running start into line 7, and read right over 'maiden's arm' as though it were something completely normal. It is only after the abrupt return of the masculine ending and the imagery of 'dripping flesh' that the reader realizes what they actually just read. Though we couldn't have stopped it, the sensitive among us will still feel like we should have at least disapproved of it, but by letting it slide under our attention we've implicitly allowed it.
That kind of emotional play is a class act, and it's so cool to see you use it to give us some insight into the mental state of the Zergling. And that, my friend, is why I like it.
I'm still not in favor of the repetition, though. Now after reading it again, it makes more sense to change the first couplet rather than the last one, because even though it really is a good thing to start the blood imagery right quick, it could be done another way, or even left to be the responsibility of line 2.
As you do continue, I'm interested to see how you differentiate these guys from the 'higher-ups' of the Zerg units. (I'm actually just a huge Zerg fanboy. So don't be surprised if I'm a lot harsher on those then your other ones. For this one, the repetition really drops the ball, but besides that it's excellent, so I was inclined to gush a bit.)
Can't wait to see where you want to go with "Marine". Lots of paths for that one.
Regards,
Turiski
3/14/2012 c1 Turiski
So I'm not good at reviewing poetry that I'm not convinced is essentially good or essentially bad. If it's one or the other it's easy to search for meaning and corrections and be angry about unexplored threads and be happy by the little trickeries of wordplay, but with the stuff in between I have a hard time knowing whether all the things that delight and infuriate me were actually intentional or not.
Usually the way I go about this is by saying "screw it, they meant every word" but since this has gotten me burned a couple times in the past, I'm basically going to be double-reviewing: a short one assuming you're incompetent, and a longer one assuming genius. Hopefully you can find the right blend of the two and get something useful out of it
Step One: (or; Why I'm Not Entirely Convinced You Thought This Over)
Line 2. 'Were' should be 'Where', right? If so, is there a good reason there's not a question mark?; and if not, at least 'is' should be 'as'. Or perhaps 'Were' is supposed to be 'Here'?
Line 3. 'Cities of rats,' meaning… what exactly? It's a cool rhythm thing you have going on there (but see below) but I'm not understanding. Are you explicitly referring to Aiur? Because if so, you're not really being fair to the poor Protoss who got almost completely caught off guard [relatively speaking, of course; I do know that the Protoss knew that the Zerg knew the location.] because the implication of rats is one of decay though abandonment, which is not really the conditions that made Aiur what it is today.
If you're not taking about that, I'm even more lost, just generally zealots are in the habit of running around abandoned cities?
Line 4. Periods are nice, even in poems. Also, should this not be two lines? The rhythm breaks cleanly after 'Gods.'
Line 5. 'dynasty's' should not have an apostrophe, or the commas should be omitted, or they should be dashes, or tildes/some other nonstandard punctuation. Also, I'm not sure if you're aware that 'lurid' has the connotation of 'horror or revulsion' which seems to clash with the general idea of this line. Also, remember how I was talking about the rhythm? Yeah, not so much with this line, even without the influence of the c
(Okay, so it's really easy to explain why rhythm doesn't work so I might as well do that for you. The poem is written entirely in three-syllable feet (blocks) with emphasis single-syllable feet at appropriate locations (i.e. the 'my' in 'my blades are ready,' the 'the' in 'The Gods will not,' and the stressed syllables at the end of lines 2,3, and 4. And also 'Gods" of line 4, which is why it feels like the line break is needed). However, to say 'RES-sur-rect' is a big stretch. We normally say 'RE-sur-RECT' and while it does fit nicely if you force it, that's not how things are supposed to fit nicely. It's particularly jarring because (a) it's followed by 'OLD' which is stressed and so there's the awkward double-stress going on there, when we're expecting 'RECT' to be followed by two unstressed (read the previous three lines again if you don't believe me) and (b) it's the only break in flow. You do change meters, but it's not a problem: I didn't even realize that the second half wasn't in dactyl until about the fourth run-though.)
Line 6. I'll let you off easy on 'The Gods' because it's not such an egregious mistake to divin-ify the Khala. However, I find it kind of interesting that in line 4 it didn't bother me at all but here it stuck out hard.
Line 7. Poetic license can take you a long way, but, eech, I don't know what to make of this line. The blades are made of plasma/psionic/I-don't-know-the-lore-ium but somehow they are 'holding' the blood of something which is (currently?) 'pure' but 'empty'? Or is it that the blood is pure, and the thing that it came from is empty because the blades are full? Or is it that after killing the thing, it has become both pure and empty? Or is 'empty' a verb, signifying the cleaning of the blades after one kill so they will be 'ready' as they were in the beginning?
They all work, grammatically and (to varying degrees) thematically, but I doubt that any of them are what you intended.
Alright, did you make it through that? Then the worst is over. Prepare for some love :D
Step Two: (or; Why I was Interested Enough to Review in the First Place, and Wherein I Totally Praise about Half the Things I Saw as Problems in the Last Part)
The rhythm choice was excellent. Dactyls through the first half provide an intensity that I feel is quite appropriate for the Zealot, and anapest through the second mirrors the words as he sees his small battle in the light of a grand quest. The first gives legitimacy to the second, the second gives reason to the first, and it all is held together between the rally cry 'my blades are ready.'
Speaking of those lines, let's look at them a bit harder, yes? The literal words say his 'blades' are ready, and if we were not assured that the rest of him was as well by merely the title, then all doubt is removed by the confidence that the persona exudes with 'kingdom', 'powerful', and 'sweeping' across the next two lines. So the blades are set up to be a symbol of the whole [which has a cool poetry name I can't remember], which is important for maximizing the impact not only of the repetition in the final line, but also that in the line before last, where the blades' preparation is finally put to use.
The repetition of the phrase in the first line, beyond being completely appropriate given the aforementioned confidence, has a nifty interplay with the rhythm. Notice that the whole line has a scheme u-S-u-u-u, u-S-u-u-u. The abundance of extra syllables* sets the phrase apart rhythmically from the rest of the poem, and that separation mirrors the wall between abstract belief (first line) and the realities of the situation (second and beyond). However, the fact that first it was four unstressed, then it was three, and then the next line settles into having two, shows that despite the mental-physical divide, these two ideas are very much intertwined.
* (note, it is very important that these were unstressed syllables – addition of further stressed syllables can be quite disorienting, as in Part One)
In lines two and three we establish setting. What we might expect to be lines four and five instead are combined into a single line that establishes the persona's purpose. The concatenation is a cue to the reader to speed up the pace, as the Zealot channels his feelings on this most deep and abiding of subjects with the passion that they invoke. That hurry is also promoted by s- and f- sound repetitions which can either make a prophetic whispering sound as they roll off the tongue, or be emphasized to provide a greater intensity to the already impassioned speech.
The masculine ending gives the reader pause, as we implicitly expect the two more syllables which are not there, and forcefully break this segment from the next. I might note that ending with the 's' sound (be careful about 'z' though) pretty much always has this effect. If you just say a couple sentences, what you might notice is that we have a tendency to shove an 's' off the end of a word to put it at the beginning of the next one. And so when there's no other word there, it's not a jarring drop, but if you're already talking fast it feels like you were just left dangling at the end of the sentence. Try it; it's pretty cool.
[Oh, yes, this line. I'm amused by how this could either be a really pivotal point of awesomeness or a very sloppy wording. You already got the second one, now you get to see the first one. Warning: you might be a bit upset at how I'm going to interpret this, but the wording really does encourage this interpretation, at least to me; this is why poetry is hard (and fun!)]
In the actual fifth line, you treated me to a most excellent sentence. The slow pace that was encouraged by the previous line is continued by the irregular rhythm of 'resurrect' that demands we read this a little more carefully. When we do, we find that the clause has been broken by two commas surrounding 'lurid,' which in combination with the slowness of reading and the actual connotation of the word makes it a key focal point.
All this attention made me pause and realize that the sentence is perfectly acceptable without the commas, and the inclusion of the apostrophe makes it an even more interesting possibility. And the difference between these two sentences is enormous. Without the commas the luridness is simply taken as a matter of fact in the 'old dynasty,' With them, it is merely hinted at; a stray thought that is quickly brought back in line. The tension between these two makes me think that the 'old dynasty' is not really the golden past that the 'perfection' might otherwise imply.
Whatever doubts the Zealot may have about the purpose of his cause, they are brushed aside by the next line, as he appeals again to the Gods and comforts himself, saying they will accept him. For the reader, the reference to the Gods recalls line four and cues us to start reading faster again, and the establishment of a rhythm, while different than the one before, gives a frame of reference in which to do so.
[Sorry, but I can't actually understand the seventh line so I'm just going to refrain from commenting]
Finally, the repetition of the first line at the end ties the poem together in a neat package, and puts an air of timelessness about it. Since the battle is mentioned so obliquely, it does not even seem like there is a threat of loss - he readies his blades, and his adversaries die; from the beginning of time until the end of it*.
* (Of course, with knowledge of the Zealot, we know this is perhaps more poetic longing than the signs that we are dealing with a universal force)
There you go. Next review coming right up :)
[note I did this last night and I'm about to do the next one ri
So I'm not good at reviewing poetry that I'm not convinced is essentially good or essentially bad. If it's one or the other it's easy to search for meaning and corrections and be angry about unexplored threads and be happy by the little trickeries of wordplay, but with the stuff in between I have a hard time knowing whether all the things that delight and infuriate me were actually intentional or not.
Usually the way I go about this is by saying "screw it, they meant every word" but since this has gotten me burned a couple times in the past, I'm basically going to be double-reviewing: a short one assuming you're incompetent, and a longer one assuming genius. Hopefully you can find the right blend of the two and get something useful out of it
Step One: (or; Why I'm Not Entirely Convinced You Thought This Over)
Line 2. 'Were' should be 'Where', right? If so, is there a good reason there's not a question mark?; and if not, at least 'is' should be 'as'. Or perhaps 'Were' is supposed to be 'Here'?
Line 3. 'Cities of rats,' meaning… what exactly? It's a cool rhythm thing you have going on there (but see below) but I'm not understanding. Are you explicitly referring to Aiur? Because if so, you're not really being fair to the poor Protoss who got almost completely caught off guard [relatively speaking, of course; I do know that the Protoss knew that the Zerg knew the location.] because the implication of rats is one of decay though abandonment, which is not really the conditions that made Aiur what it is today.
If you're not taking about that, I'm even more lost, just generally zealots are in the habit of running around abandoned cities?
Line 4. Periods are nice, even in poems. Also, should this not be two lines? The rhythm breaks cleanly after 'Gods.'
Line 5. 'dynasty's' should not have an apostrophe, or the commas should be omitted, or they should be dashes, or tildes/some other nonstandard punctuation. Also, I'm not sure if you're aware that 'lurid' has the connotation of 'horror or revulsion' which seems to clash with the general idea of this line. Also, remember how I was talking about the rhythm? Yeah, not so much with this line, even without the influence of the c
(Okay, so it's really easy to explain why rhythm doesn't work so I might as well do that for you. The poem is written entirely in three-syllable feet (blocks) with emphasis single-syllable feet at appropriate locations (i.e. the 'my' in 'my blades are ready,' the 'the' in 'The Gods will not,' and the stressed syllables at the end of lines 2,3, and 4. And also 'Gods" of line 4, which is why it feels like the line break is needed). However, to say 'RES-sur-rect' is a big stretch. We normally say 'RE-sur-RECT' and while it does fit nicely if you force it, that's not how things are supposed to fit nicely. It's particularly jarring because (a) it's followed by 'OLD' which is stressed and so there's the awkward double-stress going on there, when we're expecting 'RECT' to be followed by two unstressed (read the previous three lines again if you don't believe me) and (b) it's the only break in flow. You do change meters, but it's not a problem: I didn't even realize that the second half wasn't in dactyl until about the fourth run-though.)
Line 6. I'll let you off easy on 'The Gods' because it's not such an egregious mistake to divin-ify the Khala. However, I find it kind of interesting that in line 4 it didn't bother me at all but here it stuck out hard.
Line 7. Poetic license can take you a long way, but, eech, I don't know what to make of this line. The blades are made of plasma/psionic/I-don't-know-the-lore-ium but somehow they are 'holding' the blood of something which is (currently?) 'pure' but 'empty'? Or is it that the blood is pure, and the thing that it came from is empty because the blades are full? Or is it that after killing the thing, it has become both pure and empty? Or is 'empty' a verb, signifying the cleaning of the blades after one kill so they will be 'ready' as they were in the beginning?
They all work, grammatically and (to varying degrees) thematically, but I doubt that any of them are what you intended.
Alright, did you make it through that? Then the worst is over. Prepare for some love :D
Step Two: (or; Why I was Interested Enough to Review in the First Place, and Wherein I Totally Praise about Half the Things I Saw as Problems in the Last Part)
The rhythm choice was excellent. Dactyls through the first half provide an intensity that I feel is quite appropriate for the Zealot, and anapest through the second mirrors the words as he sees his small battle in the light of a grand quest. The first gives legitimacy to the second, the second gives reason to the first, and it all is held together between the rally cry 'my blades are ready.'
Speaking of those lines, let's look at them a bit harder, yes? The literal words say his 'blades' are ready, and if we were not assured that the rest of him was as well by merely the title, then all doubt is removed by the confidence that the persona exudes with 'kingdom', 'powerful', and 'sweeping' across the next two lines. So the blades are set up to be a symbol of the whole [which has a cool poetry name I can't remember], which is important for maximizing the impact not only of the repetition in the final line, but also that in the line before last, where the blades' preparation is finally put to use.
The repetition of the phrase in the first line, beyond being completely appropriate given the aforementioned confidence, has a nifty interplay with the rhythm. Notice that the whole line has a scheme u-S-u-u-u, u-S-u-u-u. The abundance of extra syllables* sets the phrase apart rhythmically from the rest of the poem, and that separation mirrors the wall between abstract belief (first line) and the realities of the situation (second and beyond). However, the fact that first it was four unstressed, then it was three, and then the next line settles into having two, shows that despite the mental-physical divide, these two ideas are very much intertwined.
* (note, it is very important that these were unstressed syllables – addition of further stressed syllables can be quite disorienting, as in Part One)
In lines two and three we establish setting. What we might expect to be lines four and five instead are combined into a single line that establishes the persona's purpose. The concatenation is a cue to the reader to speed up the pace, as the Zealot channels his feelings on this most deep and abiding of subjects with the passion that they invoke. That hurry is also promoted by s- and f- sound repetitions which can either make a prophetic whispering sound as they roll off the tongue, or be emphasized to provide a greater intensity to the already impassioned speech.
The masculine ending gives the reader pause, as we implicitly expect the two more syllables which are not there, and forcefully break this segment from the next. I might note that ending with the 's' sound (be careful about 'z' though) pretty much always has this effect. If you just say a couple sentences, what you might notice is that we have a tendency to shove an 's' off the end of a word to put it at the beginning of the next one. And so when there's no other word there, it's not a jarring drop, but if you're already talking fast it feels like you were just left dangling at the end of the sentence. Try it; it's pretty cool.
[Oh, yes, this line. I'm amused by how this could either be a really pivotal point of awesomeness or a very sloppy wording. You already got the second one, now you get to see the first one. Warning: you might be a bit upset at how I'm going to interpret this, but the wording really does encourage this interpretation, at least to me; this is why poetry is hard (and fun!)]
In the actual fifth line, you treated me to a most excellent sentence. The slow pace that was encouraged by the previous line is continued by the irregular rhythm of 'resurrect' that demands we read this a little more carefully. When we do, we find that the clause has been broken by two commas surrounding 'lurid,' which in combination with the slowness of reading and the actual connotation of the word makes it a key focal point.
All this attention made me pause and realize that the sentence is perfectly acceptable without the commas, and the inclusion of the apostrophe makes it an even more interesting possibility. And the difference between these two sentences is enormous. Without the commas the luridness is simply taken as a matter of fact in the 'old dynasty,' With them, it is merely hinted at; a stray thought that is quickly brought back in line. The tension between these two makes me think that the 'old dynasty' is not really the golden past that the 'perfection' might otherwise imply.
Whatever doubts the Zealot may have about the purpose of his cause, they are brushed aside by the next line, as he appeals again to the Gods and comforts himself, saying they will accept him. For the reader, the reference to the Gods recalls line four and cues us to start reading faster again, and the establishment of a rhythm, while different than the one before, gives a frame of reference in which to do so.
[Sorry, but I can't actually understand the seventh line so I'm just going to refrain from commenting]
Finally, the repetition of the first line at the end ties the poem together in a neat package, and puts an air of timelessness about it. Since the battle is mentioned so obliquely, it does not even seem like there is a threat of loss - he readies his blades, and his adversaries die; from the beginning of time until the end of it*.
* (Of course, with knowledge of the Zealot, we know this is perhaps more poetic longing than the signs that we are dealing with a universal force)
There you go. Next review coming right up :)
[note I did this last night and I'm about to do the next one ri