for Loyalty and Deception3/18/2012 c1 
17StormyTitan7
SOMEBODY DUST HIS DESK!
AH ha, now that was off my chest, it's a good story so far.
(For other reviewers I may spoil something a bit so either read the story first or LOOK AWAY!)
As far as creative criticism goes, I don't have much except for when Yonali was trying to find the words to tell Seymour about his 'interesting' new assistant there is a sentence-
"The Maester waited for the elder to tell him confess what was troubling him"
Shouldn't it be either 'tell him what was-' or 'to confess what-' not both? Or there should be a comma separating it at the least. I don't know I'm not so good at grammar as you may know from my own stories (or not...) I think it may have been when you were editing it and forgot to fully erase your earlier words. I did that once myself.
But don't get me wrong it's a good story :D
17StormyTitan7SOMEBODY DUST HIS DESK!
AH ha, now that was off my chest, it's a good story so far.
(For other reviewers I may spoil something a bit so either read the story first or LOOK AWAY!)
As far as creative criticism goes, I don't have much except for when Yonali was trying to find the words to tell Seymour about his 'interesting' new assistant there is a sentence-
"The Maester waited for the elder to tell him confess what was troubling him"
Shouldn't it be either 'tell him what was-' or 'to confess what-' not both? Or there should be a comma separating it at the least. I don't know I'm not so good at grammar as you may know from my own stories (or not...) I think it may have been when you were editing it and forgot to fully erase your earlier words. I did that once myself.
But don't get me wrong it's a good story :D