3/29/2012 c1 55Peach the Hedgehog
A very interesting story! I really like how you did Lanna here! I could see her as a loving mother, and for what you did, it was very good!

Sarah also had a very real reaction, which is something I like to see. A nightmare like that would really scare a young child, and I can understand why she wakes up crying.

Spelling and grammar were also very good!

I do have a few suggestions though. Mind you, this part I'm going to mention is just my opinion. But, since you said this story doesn't have any connection to your other ones, I would have liked to actually know what happened to Mark. I do feel sorry for Lanna and Sarah, but I feel like I need to know more.

While the lyrics were nice, I feel it took away from what you were trying to go for. I'm probably one of the few that would say this though, but the lyrics take up too much of the story in my opinion. It was very sweet, but at the same time, I felt like it just got in the way. Understand that is my opinion!

Also, spell out the numbers. It looks much cleaner that way. There are a few exceptions of course, but with what you had, you could have put 'poor Sarah, who was only five years old.'

The story is also kinda short. I mean if you take out the lyrics and just mentioned that Lanna sang instead, the story is over pretty quickly. I think it could have been a bit longer to give us more detail.

Aside from that though, I do think you did a good job! Good luck!