for Disappointment3/18 c1 Origami-Pegasus
Not bad, but the random bolding could be replaced with italicizing. That's more personal than technical, though, so eh.
Also, don't randomly switch to second person after a whole story of third. I'm referencing this:
"It was just that it was all in the past and that was only as real as you let it be."
If you didn't want to replace the "you" with "she", then you could replace it with "one". Just don't switch persons like that.
Not bad, but the random bolding could be replaced with italicizing. That's more personal than technical, though, so eh.
Also, don't randomly switch to second person after a whole story of third. I'm referencing this:
"It was just that it was all in the past and that was only as real as you let it be."
If you didn't want to replace the "you" with "she", then you could replace it with "one". Just don't switch persons like that.
4/15/2012 c1 
32Scooter12345
Oh man. I loved this and it left me thinking a little [which is good.] I don't know if this makes me like her or hate her more. Maybe it gave me a bit of both. I think you did capture her character VERY well though. I really liked that line about Once-ler always loving trees. I gave a little groan thinking "Oh that poor guy" and then thought about what she said after that about the guitar and all those things. It was really a beautiful story and really well thought out.
32Scooter12345Oh man. I loved this and it left me thinking a little [which is good.] I don't know if this makes me like her or hate her more. Maybe it gave me a bit of both. I think you did capture her character VERY well though. I really liked that line about Once-ler always loving trees. I gave a little groan thinking "Oh that poor guy" and then thought about what she said after that about the guitar and all those things. It was really a beautiful story and really well thought out.
4/4/2012 c1 Rachel
You make her sound so...human. It's weird. I like it. I think I've heard her called May before. Have you written other Once-ler mother stuff or is t hat the official name?
You make her sound so...human. It's weird. I like it. I think I've heard her called May before. Have you written other Once-ler mother stuff or is t hat the official name?