for Mutual Benefit12/2/2012 c1 
10Sedaiv
Dang, I'm not too familiar with this version of Digimon. I stopped around the time of Bio-Merge. So you'll need to forgive me as I'm lost a little bit.
Call me anal: but try not to use (notes like this) it doesn't look good. It looks very beginnerish. There's nothing wrong with this, sure it can be hard, to figure out, if the setence is run on or not.
Ruling that out, I'm a little lost on the story as to how the mother got attacked viciously however it does look like a sub-plot that'll get revealed eventually. But I was able to follow it completely and it took me a few minutes in getting into the story itself. It is an enjoyable story and the time put in so far looks very well done.
10SedaivDang, I'm not too familiar with this version of Digimon. I stopped around the time of Bio-Merge. So you'll need to forgive me as I'm lost a little bit.
Call me anal: but try not to use (notes like this) it doesn't look good. It looks very beginnerish. There's nothing wrong with this, sure it can be hard, to figure out, if the setence is run on or not.
Ruling that out, I'm a little lost on the story as to how the mother got attacked viciously however it does look like a sub-plot that'll get revealed eventually. But I was able to follow it completely and it took me a few minutes in getting into the story itself. It is an enjoyable story and the time put in so far looks very well done.
11/20/2012 c8 5Sgt Rypht
BAGRAMON! *cough cough*
Whew. Sorry about that! I could contain my inner fanboy when I read him talking. I don’t think that I have informed you that I have been reading along to this story pretty well. I think a lot of the fans of the series love how you take some of the more obscure characters and develop their personalities a lot more. For example, Ren. I wasn’t a huge fan of him in the series itself, but when you right him, I believe he becomes one of my favorite characters.
I don’t think people give you enough credit for writing Tagiru. He’s a character that a lot of people sort of over-dramatize with good reason. His character is hard to contain into a story setting while keeping him true to his character. If you aren’t careful in a story, you can make Tagiru more annoying than he intended to be or totally miss his mark altogether. So I think that you needed a bit of a pat on the back for handling his character thus far so well.
I think you handled battle scenes pretty well. Some clarity might be needed here and there. Sometimes it feels like the battle gets a bit fogged into the rest of your scene. Your writing style gets a bit overwhelming to read on top of a battle. Thus some of the intensity of the battle tends to get lost on the mix. I would suggest trying to get a bit more simplistic when it comes to a battle, because your natural narration and dialogue talent carries the scene. So, keep that in mind for the next fray.
Your Ryouma is mad awesome by the way. You can’t help but respect what you did to his character. Every time I see his character in your story, I forget that he wasn’t that awesome in the anime!
Of course, like Sakura no Umi said, you write Shoutmon like a BOSS. I would love for you to write the script for the dub if it wasn’t catered to a lower aged audience. That is how good I think you write him.
Overall, keep up the good work!
5Sgt RyphtBAGRAMON! *cough cough*
Whew. Sorry about that! I could contain my inner fanboy when I read him talking. I don’t think that I have informed you that I have been reading along to this story pretty well. I think a lot of the fans of the series love how you take some of the more obscure characters and develop their personalities a lot more. For example, Ren. I wasn’t a huge fan of him in the series itself, but when you right him, I believe he becomes one of my favorite characters.
I don’t think people give you enough credit for writing Tagiru. He’s a character that a lot of people sort of over-dramatize with good reason. His character is hard to contain into a story setting while keeping him true to his character. If you aren’t careful in a story, you can make Tagiru more annoying than he intended to be or totally miss his mark altogether. So I think that you needed a bit of a pat on the back for handling his character thus far so well.
I think you handled battle scenes pretty well. Some clarity might be needed here and there. Sometimes it feels like the battle gets a bit fogged into the rest of your scene. Your writing style gets a bit overwhelming to read on top of a battle. Thus some of the intensity of the battle tends to get lost on the mix. I would suggest trying to get a bit more simplistic when it comes to a battle, because your natural narration and dialogue talent carries the scene. So, keep that in mind for the next fray.
Your Ryouma is mad awesome by the way. You can’t help but respect what you did to his character. Every time I see his character in your story, I forget that he wasn’t that awesome in the anime!
Of course, like Sakura no Umi said, you write Shoutmon like a BOSS. I would love for you to write the script for the dub if it wasn’t catered to a lower aged audience. That is how good I think you write him.
Overall, keep up the good work!
11/19/2012 c8 33Sakura no Umi
"Kiriha was having a lot of trouble believing his friend had been dragged into multiple world problems for a third time and hadn't said anything."
Kiriha you clearly don't know Taiki. His two biggest traits are: Don't turn your back on others, and don't make other people worry/drag them into unnecessary harm.
God I love how you write Shoutmon!
33Sakura no Umi"Kiriha was having a lot of trouble believing his friend had been dragged into multiple world problems for a third time and hadn't said anything."
Kiriha you clearly don't know Taiki. His two biggest traits are: Don't turn your back on others, and don't make other people worry/drag them into unnecessary harm.
God I love how you write Shoutmon!
8/31/2012 c7 Sakura no Umi
Is this verse and Tamers loosely connected? Valkyrimon is a Deva I do believe and Shoutmon talks about having to help destroy it which makes me believe this is coinciding with a Tamers AU.
Is this verse and Tamers loosely connected? Valkyrimon is a Deva I do believe and Shoutmon talks about having to help destroy it which makes me believe this is coinciding with a Tamers AU.
7/27/2012 c6 33Sakura no Umi
So many cool interactions this chapter of characters coming to know each other. Loved Ren and Shoutmon's scene along with Taiki and Ryouma's.
My latest speculation now is that either Taiki's dad also died and Taiki couldn't save him, or something happened to him that caused him to change and become either the mysterious man or linked to the mysterious man.
Also surprisingly I wasn't confused like I expected to be after the warning in the beginning. Therefore you did an excellent job in writing this chapter (not that you ever don't do an excellent job)
33Sakura no UmiSo many cool interactions this chapter of characters coming to know each other. Loved Ren and Shoutmon's scene along with Taiki and Ryouma's.
My latest speculation now is that either Taiki's dad also died and Taiki couldn't save him, or something happened to him that caused him to change and become either the mysterious man or linked to the mysterious man.
Also surprisingly I wasn't confused like I expected to be after the warning in the beginning. Therefore you did an excellent job in writing this chapter (not that you ever don't do an excellent job)
6/28/2012 c5 Sakura no Umi
Comment box at the bottom of the page is not conducive to how I review. Sorry I just had to get that frustration out of the way. On to the actual review content.
I love Ren and his characterization in this chapter. I also like how this seems to be a common occurrence of all hell breaking loose at Ryouma's house and Ren having to go handle it.
Also all of Ren's troublesome lines make me think of Shikamaru form Naruto
Shoutmon's speech to Ren was the best thing ever. Especially Shoutmon explaining how he became a badass.
So Ryouma is punishing himself for the whole being controlled thing, but what about Taiki. His "I can't turn my back on you" syndrome was in response to the kid who died when he was young. I hardly doubt he's still punishing himself for that. Is he punishing himself for something canon or something that is your story specific?
Comment box at the bottom of the page is not conducive to how I review. Sorry I just had to get that frustration out of the way. On to the actual review content.
I love Ren and his characterization in this chapter. I also like how this seems to be a common occurrence of all hell breaking loose at Ryouma's house and Ren having to go handle it.
Also all of Ren's troublesome lines make me think of Shikamaru form Naruto
Shoutmon's speech to Ren was the best thing ever. Especially Shoutmon explaining how he became a badass.
So Ryouma is punishing himself for the whole being controlled thing, but what about Taiki. His "I can't turn my back on you" syndrome was in response to the kid who died when he was young. I hardly doubt he's still punishing himself for that. Is he punishing himself for something canon or something that is your story specific?
6/26/2012 c5 1Berry Doyle
Well that was gruesome. But I agree, not M rated.
Shoutmon's speech was really well done. Good job.
1Berry DoyleWell that was gruesome. But I agree, not M rated.
Shoutmon's speech was really well done. Good job.
6/22/2012 c4 2NeoHydra77
I couldn't stop reading until I got to the final chapter... and wow on both Ryouma and Taiki's part! I originally thought I had an idea as to how some parts of the story goes but this chapter made everything do a 180. Now I'm just waiting for the next one!
2NeoHydra77I couldn't stop reading until I got to the final chapter... and wow on both Ryouma and Taiki's part! I originally thought I had an idea as to how some parts of the story goes but this chapter made everything do a 180. Now I'm just waiting for the next one!
5/31/2012 c4 33Sakura no Umi
Aww Culumon is so adorable!
What! Where the hell did Ryouma get a gun? Ah never mind I read more. So this evolving is more like materializing things like guns and purple fire.
Okay how did Taiki get past Yuu and Tagiru? Well he is the king of many talents but I highly doubt he just Judo flipped the two. Maybe he just has teleportation power. Its completely logical with Ryouma's whole I can make a gun out of thin air.
33Sakura no UmiAww Culumon is so adorable!
What! Where the hell did Ryouma get a gun? Ah never mind I read more. So this evolving is more like materializing things like guns and purple fire.
Okay how did Taiki get past Yuu and Tagiru? Well he is the king of many talents but I highly doubt he just Judo flipped the two. Maybe he just has teleportation power. Its completely logical with Ryouma's whole I can make a gun out of thin air.
5/1/2012 c3 Sakura no Umi
Awww Ryouma! I just want to give him a hug.
Also this line just made my day (I don't know why it just did):
"If I had met Tagiru without Taiki-san around I'm quite sure I would have killed him," Yuu commented cheerfully.
Also I'm kinda surprised that none of the other occupants in the room made a comment when Ryouma came in shaken up and Taiki and him had a silent exchange of comfort. I just felt like one of them would notice something was up since while in character for Taiki its out of character for Ryouma. Plus it would be odd that mute Taiki would seem to know what was going on to an observer. You're slacking Kiriha.
Awww Ryouma! I just want to give him a hug.
Also this line just made my day (I don't know why it just did):
"If I had met Tagiru without Taiki-san around I'm quite sure I would have killed him," Yuu commented cheerfully.
Also I'm kinda surprised that none of the other occupants in the room made a comment when Ryouma came in shaken up and Taiki and him had a silent exchange of comfort. I just felt like one of them would notice something was up since while in character for Taiki its out of character for Ryouma. Plus it would be odd that mute Taiki would seem to know what was going on to an observer. You're slacking Kiriha.
4/30/2012 c3 rr
WOW! Nice chap :D I especially love this sentence :
And Xros Heart was their army, an army of broken geniuses.
YUP. That is so damn right! :) I love Taiki soooo much. ANd The gang. Please update soon! Great story!
WOW! Nice chap :D I especially love this sentence :
And Xros Heart was their army, an army of broken geniuses.
YUP. That is so damn right! :) I love Taiki soooo much. ANd The gang. Please update soon! Great story!
4/19/2012 c2 5Sgt Rypht
Sorry for not reviewing earlier, I just kept forgetting amongst the mass of things that I have been working on. With that aside, let’s get into the reviewing spirit. Unless you didn’t know, this is a review for chapter 1 and chapter 2. It’s not going to be incredibly long, but just sort of hit most of the points that I have to say.
Mostly, this is a really good start for the story. This is the first good interaction between Ryouma and Taiki. Just the overall feeling of the two chapters settled in real well with me. I think that you hit both of the characters really well in your works and created good synergy for the reader to follow. I felt like the first chapter was a bit stronger in terms of feeling than the second. It may have been more that it was a hard one to top—even harder to do constantly basis.
With that mild concern aside, I think they were good chapters. They were a bit dialogue heavy—which is your style. But remember to create some dialogue variation options, like how you present dialogue. You can still focus your dialogue, but you may need to adjust how it is presented to the audience.
Alright one more good thing, you do Shoutmon really well. For some reason, everything that you make him say, I can see him saying out to me. To quote one
"In layman's terms you aren't stupid," Shoutmon supplied, ignoring his partner's exasperated bemusement.
I thought that was rather catchy and I heard him saying it. It was rather amusing, actually.
I hope that was a helpful review. It’s not that long….for me,but I hope it gave a good idea on my thoughts.
5Sgt RyphtSorry for not reviewing earlier, I just kept forgetting amongst the mass of things that I have been working on. With that aside, let’s get into the reviewing spirit. Unless you didn’t know, this is a review for chapter 1 and chapter 2. It’s not going to be incredibly long, but just sort of hit most of the points that I have to say.
Mostly, this is a really good start for the story. This is the first good interaction between Ryouma and Taiki. Just the overall feeling of the two chapters settled in real well with me. I think that you hit both of the characters really well in your works and created good synergy for the reader to follow. I felt like the first chapter was a bit stronger in terms of feeling than the second. It may have been more that it was a hard one to top—even harder to do constantly basis.
With that mild concern aside, I think they were good chapters. They were a bit dialogue heavy—which is your style. But remember to create some dialogue variation options, like how you present dialogue. You can still focus your dialogue, but you may need to adjust how it is presented to the audience.
Alright one more good thing, you do Shoutmon really well. For some reason, everything that you make him say, I can see him saying out to me. To quote one
"In layman's terms you aren't stupid," Shoutmon supplied, ignoring his partner's exasperated bemusement.
I thought that was rather catchy and I heard him saying it. It was rather amusing, actually.
I hope that was a helpful review. It’s not that long….for me,but I hope it gave a good idea on my thoughts.
4/18/2012 c2 33Sakura no Umi
I love Taiki's and Ryouma's interactions, and the fact that these are new sides to the characters but are still entirely plausible.
Ah I bet that's Culumon! He's the only digimon I know to have the speech tick culu.
I wonder what caused Ryouma to be able to "evolve". He's not connected to the Code Crown like Taiki is. Perhaps it's a side effect to when Astamon/Quartzmon was controlling him.
33Sakura no UmiI love Taiki's and Ryouma's interactions, and the fact that these are new sides to the characters but are still entirely plausible.
Ah I bet that's Culumon! He's the only digimon I know to have the speech tick culu.
I wonder what caused Ryouma to be able to "evolve". He's not connected to the Code Crown like Taiki is. Perhaps it's a side effect to when Astamon/Quartzmon was controlling him.