for Our Man on the Hellmouth7/11/2012 c3 SeanHicks4
Interesting chapter...that Torchwood name drop almost makes it seem like The Doctor is going to show up...
Interesting chapter...that Torchwood name drop almost makes it seem like The Doctor is going to show up...
7/11/2012 c3 
15Kingdark
I'm not normally 'for' hpxbtvs crossovers but this one has caught my attention. I like what you wrote so far. My knowledge of btvs is minimal though so you may want to keep that in mind I'm not the only one that doesn't know a lot about it.
Kingdark
15KingdarkI'm not normally 'for' hpxbtvs crossovers but this one has caught my attention. I like what you wrote so far. My knowledge of btvs is minimal though so you may want to keep that in mind I'm not the only one that doesn't know a lot about it.
Kingdark
7/11/2012 c3 2Illusive Man
When Torchwood warns you to back off you know thats somethings trouble and these are the guys that have tried to capture the Doctor
2Illusive ManWhen Torchwood warns you to back off you know thats somethings trouble and these are the guys that have tried to capture the Doctor
6/29/2012 c1 19HaiJu
Holy crap, so much information!
Hullo, I saw this in the WA thread, and even though it's pretty far afield for me fandomwise, I was curious enough to come check it out. I wanted to see how different it would be from your HP/LotR crossover.
First, let me say that I'm really impressed by the improvement from your earlier fiction. Your dialogue especially feels very natural here. Also I feel like you're more focused on the characters themselves, if that makes sense.
I do have a couple of critiques I'd like to offer you, which perhaps could be helpful.
Separate the A/N from the story please! It's confusing and it took me a couple of minutes to figure out where the story started.
It's illegal to buy or drink (in public) alcohol in the US if you're under 21. Not that it stops people from trying...but it would require fake ids and a place where the bartender doesn't know you by sight.
You're cramming way too much information into this story, both for us, the readers, and for the characters.
You could get away with it in the oneshot because it was a weird situation to start with. I understand why you're pairing these two-they both have weird and tragic crap thrust on them by life and somehow manage to come out of it in one piece. Having them randomly decide to share life summaries was odd, but their life was odd, and sometimes you tell a lot more to a random stranger than you ever would a friend.
But that doesn't apply here. Everybody knows too much. Why on earth would the Auror's division know such random information as Spike and Drusilla being driven out (they weren't at the time very important, if I remember correctly; certainly not enough to be known by name to a distant Auror. Why does he feel Harry needs all this info? Stats on Sunnydale, yes. What basically amounts to a recap of the first few seasons, no.
Same goes for Giles and Harry, then Buffy and Harry exchanging their entire life stories. Like I said, it worked in the oneshot because it was a chance meeting and a weird encounter. For a more prolonged story, it just feels like you're trying to get all the 'boring stuff' out of the way so you don't have to keep track of who knows what.
Not only does it not make sense, you're losing out on many future opportunities for character development and drama. I mean, what if Harry hadn't found out about Giles' connection to his family until he gets the 'you have your mother's eyes' line from Giles? That would be so much more dramatic and interesting, because we don't know who he is to the Potters, and their conversation would slowly reveal why. That's just one example, but this goes for at least 2/3 of all the info you're putting here, too.
Also, what makes a crossover interesting is that you get an outside perspective on a familiar character. Taking away all that mystery seems like such a waste.
Beware of over-powering Harry. Argh, this is a tough one. It's fun to make him a bad-ass super auror and really Harry is pretty famous and loved even within Rowling's books. But there is a very distinct danger for this 'cool' type to slip into Suedom. Make sure he has flaws, ones that genuinely annoy people (including you). Bring in opposing voices among both the good guys and heroes who don't like him. Don't let Buffy (or anyone else) instantly fall for him (or at least let it go back and forth for a while). Don't make him so handsome. I mean, come on. He's a scrawny, pale, bespectacled little English guy in California, the kingdom of buff, bronze blondes.
Red flags for me:
- Americans supporting him and Dumbledore despite what the papers (their only source of info about him) said. Your argument about Dumbledore being nice to them wasn't strong enough for me to believe, sorry.
- Harry thinking to himself how he turned heads by being handsome. Even if this were true, that makes him incredibly vain to notice it.
- Buffy instantly falling for him. Sorry, it's just too fast. :/
- His mad fighting skills, and that the other guy noticed his 'fighting experience' from it. Wizards in Rowling's world depend almost exclusively on their wands. Harry has some physical experience thanks to his Seeking, but it's mostly about dodging and agility, not fight expertise.
- He hasn't yet met one person who doesn't like him, aside from Buffy's ex.
One last thing: Romance. This is always, always really hard. I won't try to give you advice because I haven't really tried it. Just remember that love begins as friendship and goes from there (at least ideally), and that in order to make it believable you must get more sophisticated than ogling and blushing. Also, this is another place to take it slow. Don't give us everything all at once! Real relationships take time and shared experiences to build.
So, in short:
-SLOW DOWN! Don't douse everyone with information right off the bat. There will be plenty of time to fill out the backstory later.
- Beware of Super Harry! Don't take it from me, either. Google a Mary Sue litmus test, then decide if you need to change the character accordingly. Remember that a cool, powerful Harry is fine, just figure out a way to keep it real.
- Romance is hard! Write it that way! No actual useful advice here, sorry!
Things I really liked:
- Giles being related to the OotP (just break it to us slowly, okay?)
- Harry punching that guy in the face (yay chivalry!)
- That Harry is a rumored 'spec. ops' guy. That could be very fun/cool/useful.
Most of this turned into a rant, sorry. I hope it's helpful to you, at least.
-Hj
19HaiJuHoly crap, so much information!
Hullo, I saw this in the WA thread, and even though it's pretty far afield for me fandomwise, I was curious enough to come check it out. I wanted to see how different it would be from your HP/LotR crossover.
First, let me say that I'm really impressed by the improvement from your earlier fiction. Your dialogue especially feels very natural here. Also I feel like you're more focused on the characters themselves, if that makes sense.
I do have a couple of critiques I'd like to offer you, which perhaps could be helpful.
Separate the A/N from the story please! It's confusing and it took me a couple of minutes to figure out where the story started.
It's illegal to buy or drink (in public) alcohol in the US if you're under 21. Not that it stops people from trying...but it would require fake ids and a place where the bartender doesn't know you by sight.
You're cramming way too much information into this story, both for us, the readers, and for the characters.
You could get away with it in the oneshot because it was a weird situation to start with. I understand why you're pairing these two-they both have weird and tragic crap thrust on them by life and somehow manage to come out of it in one piece. Having them randomly decide to share life summaries was odd, but their life was odd, and sometimes you tell a lot more to a random stranger than you ever would a friend.
But that doesn't apply here. Everybody knows too much. Why on earth would the Auror's division know such random information as Spike and Drusilla being driven out (they weren't at the time very important, if I remember correctly; certainly not enough to be known by name to a distant Auror. Why does he feel Harry needs all this info? Stats on Sunnydale, yes. What basically amounts to a recap of the first few seasons, no.
Same goes for Giles and Harry, then Buffy and Harry exchanging their entire life stories. Like I said, it worked in the oneshot because it was a chance meeting and a weird encounter. For a more prolonged story, it just feels like you're trying to get all the 'boring stuff' out of the way so you don't have to keep track of who knows what.
Not only does it not make sense, you're losing out on many future opportunities for character development and drama. I mean, what if Harry hadn't found out about Giles' connection to his family until he gets the 'you have your mother's eyes' line from Giles? That would be so much more dramatic and interesting, because we don't know who he is to the Potters, and their conversation would slowly reveal why. That's just one example, but this goes for at least 2/3 of all the info you're putting here, too.
Also, what makes a crossover interesting is that you get an outside perspective on a familiar character. Taking away all that mystery seems like such a waste.
Beware of over-powering Harry. Argh, this is a tough one. It's fun to make him a bad-ass super auror and really Harry is pretty famous and loved even within Rowling's books. But there is a very distinct danger for this 'cool' type to slip into Suedom. Make sure he has flaws, ones that genuinely annoy people (including you). Bring in opposing voices among both the good guys and heroes who don't like him. Don't let Buffy (or anyone else) instantly fall for him (or at least let it go back and forth for a while). Don't make him so handsome. I mean, come on. He's a scrawny, pale, bespectacled little English guy in California, the kingdom of buff, bronze blondes.
Red flags for me:
- Americans supporting him and Dumbledore despite what the papers (their only source of info about him) said. Your argument about Dumbledore being nice to them wasn't strong enough for me to believe, sorry.
- Harry thinking to himself how he turned heads by being handsome. Even if this were true, that makes him incredibly vain to notice it.
- Buffy instantly falling for him. Sorry, it's just too fast. :/
- His mad fighting skills, and that the other guy noticed his 'fighting experience' from it. Wizards in Rowling's world depend almost exclusively on their wands. Harry has some physical experience thanks to his Seeking, but it's mostly about dodging and agility, not fight expertise.
- He hasn't yet met one person who doesn't like him, aside from Buffy's ex.
One last thing: Romance. This is always, always really hard. I won't try to give you advice because I haven't really tried it. Just remember that love begins as friendship and goes from there (at least ideally), and that in order to make it believable you must get more sophisticated than ogling and blushing. Also, this is another place to take it slow. Don't give us everything all at once! Real relationships take time and shared experiences to build.
So, in short:
-SLOW DOWN! Don't douse everyone with information right off the bat. There will be plenty of time to fill out the backstory later.
- Beware of Super Harry! Don't take it from me, either. Google a Mary Sue litmus test, then decide if you need to change the character accordingly. Remember that a cool, powerful Harry is fine, just figure out a way to keep it real.
- Romance is hard! Write it that way! No actual useful advice here, sorry!
Things I really liked:
- Giles being related to the OotP (just break it to us slowly, okay?)
- Harry punching that guy in the face (yay chivalry!)
- That Harry is a rumored 'spec. ops' guy. That could be very fun/cool/useful.
Most of this turned into a rant, sorry. I hope it's helpful to you, at least.
-Hj
6/28/2012 c2 5Cappucinno
Right off the bat, you might want to clearly delineate the beginning of your story from the end of your author's note in a clear way. A bar usually does the trick, as does some sort of bold CHAPTER ONE or PROLOGUE label. I found myself a little confused, for a moment I thought the story started at the bolded headline and that everything before that was a summary of how the characters got to where the story begins.
Secondly, you have a lot of run-on sentences and the quality of your writing would be much improved by combing back through your chapters and breaking up the sentences. Additionally, some things just don't make clear grammatical sense. For example:
A week later, Harry's request to be seconded to the American Auror office and build up his knowledge of Hellmouths, while acting as the liaison for the Magical World to the Slayer and the Watcher's Council (both of which Harry felt he knew everything there was to know, having endured a two hour long info dump from Hermione on the subject) had been accepted. Since most American wizards, being possessed of remarkable common sense, avoided the dark energy of a Hellmouth like the plague due to its warping effect on the minds and magic of untrained or poorly trained young wizards, and Harry's stature in the global Wizarding community, this was not difficult.
You're better off making the parenthetical chunk a different sentence. Also, the first sentence there should have another comma after the phrase "Watcher's Council". Additionally, you don't need the comma after "a week later" and I recommend ditching it just because commas are already prevalent in your writing. It becomes much more concise: A week later Harry's request to be seconded to the American Auror's Office and build up his knowledge of Hellmouths, while acting as the liaison for the Magical World to the Slayer and the Watcher's Council, had been accepted.
Also, I don't know what the "request to be seconded" means exactly. His nomination was seconded, his request to be sent maybe? I don't dabble in HP fandoms often, so you may have just confused me.
There's also just too much information crammed into your second sentence and I don't know what to do with it. The point of the sentence gets lost with all the content you jam into comma breaks—again, I recommend breaking that information up into separate sentences entirely to make it more manageable. If you do that, it's going to quicken up the reading pace and make it easier to sink into.
Also, every time you write Mr Potter, there should be a period. Mr. Potter. Or Mister Potter.
The Buffy and Harry attraction seems a little quick, but sometimes attraction is like that. The implied past history they have helps to sell that point and make it a little believable. It helps that you keep bringing up how they remind themselves that they barely know each other to check their feelings.
Just another note—if you break your chapters up a little bit with clear linear divisions it'll make it easier for people to read through it. I personally found it a little daunting to see an endless wall of text, but I understand that everyone has their own preferences. On the whole, you have some really original ideas here and engaging, smart dialogue.
I also have to applaud you for creatively combining two different fandoms and creating circumstances in which it makes sense for the characters to be interacting. Keep it up! You're very creative.
5CappucinnoRight off the bat, you might want to clearly delineate the beginning of your story from the end of your author's note in a clear way. A bar usually does the trick, as does some sort of bold CHAPTER ONE or PROLOGUE label. I found myself a little confused, for a moment I thought the story started at the bolded headline and that everything before that was a summary of how the characters got to where the story begins.
Secondly, you have a lot of run-on sentences and the quality of your writing would be much improved by combing back through your chapters and breaking up the sentences. Additionally, some things just don't make clear grammatical sense. For example:
A week later, Harry's request to be seconded to the American Auror office and build up his knowledge of Hellmouths, while acting as the liaison for the Magical World to the Slayer and the Watcher's Council (both of which Harry felt he knew everything there was to know, having endured a two hour long info dump from Hermione on the subject) had been accepted. Since most American wizards, being possessed of remarkable common sense, avoided the dark energy of a Hellmouth like the plague due to its warping effect on the minds and magic of untrained or poorly trained young wizards, and Harry's stature in the global Wizarding community, this was not difficult.
You're better off making the parenthetical chunk a different sentence. Also, the first sentence there should have another comma after the phrase "Watcher's Council". Additionally, you don't need the comma after "a week later" and I recommend ditching it just because commas are already prevalent in your writing. It becomes much more concise: A week later Harry's request to be seconded to the American Auror's Office and build up his knowledge of Hellmouths, while acting as the liaison for the Magical World to the Slayer and the Watcher's Council, had been accepted.
Also, I don't know what the "request to be seconded" means exactly. His nomination was seconded, his request to be sent maybe? I don't dabble in HP fandoms often, so you may have just confused me.
There's also just too much information crammed into your second sentence and I don't know what to do with it. The point of the sentence gets lost with all the content you jam into comma breaks—again, I recommend breaking that information up into separate sentences entirely to make it more manageable. If you do that, it's going to quicken up the reading pace and make it easier to sink into.
Also, every time you write Mr Potter, there should be a period. Mr. Potter. Or Mister Potter.
The Buffy and Harry attraction seems a little quick, but sometimes attraction is like that. The implied past history they have helps to sell that point and make it a little believable. It helps that you keep bringing up how they remind themselves that they barely know each other to check their feelings.
Just another note—if you break your chapters up a little bit with clear linear divisions it'll make it easier for people to read through it. I personally found it a little daunting to see an endless wall of text, but I understand that everyone has their own preferences. On the whole, you have some really original ideas here and engaging, smart dialogue.
I also have to applaud you for creatively combining two different fandoms and creating circumstances in which it makes sense for the characters to be interacting. Keep it up! You're very creative.
6/21/2012 c2 2Grimindome
Great fic :) and i can't wait for the next chapter :P Think the Aston Martin needs more of a mention though :)
2GrimindomeGreat fic :) and i can't wait for the next chapter :P Think the Aston Martin needs more of a mention though :)
5/15/2012 c2 3Adele365
Nyuk Nyuk... Walsh got her metahorical ass handed to her! That was a very satisfying scene, and the beginning of a very interesting fic. I look outward to reading more!
3Adele365Nyuk Nyuk... Walsh got her metahorical ass handed to her! That was a very satisfying scene, and the beginning of a very interesting fic. I look outward to reading more!
5/14/2012 c2 Gracealma
Oh, I think this Director Walsh is going to do something stupid. Don't get on the wrong side of Harry Potter! (Ha!) Great story. I like the sparks between Buffy and Harry too. Is there going to be a father figure with Giles?
Oh, I think this Director Walsh is going to do something stupid. Don't get on the wrong side of Harry Potter! (Ha!) Great story. I like the sparks between Buffy and Harry too. Is there going to be a father figure with Giles?
5/9/2012 c2 7Myra the Dovahkiin
great story. keep writing. update soon. I can't wait to read more! This is getting interesting.
7Myra the Dovahkiingreat story. keep writing. update soon. I can't wait to read more! This is getting interesting.