for The Phantom And The Fortune4/22/2012 c1 
4TheRabidWriter
...Alright I hope I don't come off as a ** here..
But this was so painful and hard to read I can't even finish it I
'm sorry.
First off. Run-ons. They're baaad! Do NOT type like that anymore! For example:
as she pulled out a sword then the two begin a duel of moon lit steel. the duel ended as quickly as it began as the man fell to the cobble stones once more yield and leave me in peace the girl said as she lowered her sword. Never the man shouted as he slashed wild with his sword the girl let out a cry as she felt the stong of gash on her shoulder
Yeah. Noohohohohoh way you should write like this. Try writing like this:
With a glare gleaming in her eyes, she whipped a sword out and gripped it until her knuckles began to turn white. Like that, the two began a duel. A duel of moon-lit steel that sent sparks flying as they made contact. However, the duel ended as quickly as it began, for the man lsot his fotting and fell. His head making a loud THWACK as it hit the cobbler stone road.
"Leave me in peace." The girl ordered as she put her sword away with a swift motion. The man snarled, his upper lip twisting angrily.
"Never!" He shouted, slashing out with gusto. Hissing in pain, the girl staggerd back and inspected the blood which gleamed in the moonlight. Running down the alley for escape, clutching her new wound, the girl held back the tears which threatened to escape her eyes.
See? It's easier to read, and much much better! If you need a Beta I will gladly be yours! Also your moving waaaay too fast with this!
Thats all.
4TheRabidWriter...Alright I hope I don't come off as a ** here..
But this was so painful and hard to read I can't even finish it I
'm sorry.
First off. Run-ons. They're baaad! Do NOT type like that anymore! For example:
as she pulled out a sword then the two begin a duel of moon lit steel. the duel ended as quickly as it began as the man fell to the cobble stones once more yield and leave me in peace the girl said as she lowered her sword. Never the man shouted as he slashed wild with his sword the girl let out a cry as she felt the stong of gash on her shoulder
Yeah. Noohohohohoh way you should write like this. Try writing like this:
With a glare gleaming in her eyes, she whipped a sword out and gripped it until her knuckles began to turn white. Like that, the two began a duel. A duel of moon-lit steel that sent sparks flying as they made contact. However, the duel ended as quickly as it began, for the man lsot his fotting and fell. His head making a loud THWACK as it hit the cobbler stone road.
"Leave me in peace." The girl ordered as she put her sword away with a swift motion. The man snarled, his upper lip twisting angrily.
"Never!" He shouted, slashing out with gusto. Hissing in pain, the girl staggerd back and inspected the blood which gleamed in the moonlight. Running down the alley for escape, clutching her new wound, the girl held back the tears which threatened to escape her eyes.
See? It's easier to read, and much much better! If you need a Beta I will gladly be yours! Also your moving waaaay too fast with this!
Thats all.
4/20/2012 c1 4Erik's Angel Forever
My inner author is screaming. I stopped reading after the second paragraph. Please do not take this is a bad way, because reviews are here to help you become a better writer:
You REALLY need to work on punctuation and quotation marks. I don't know where a sentence stops/starts, when a person is talking. You need to work on capitalization.
" your free go now ill distract him but what about you the girl shouted as she got up i can take care of my self leave me now the girl shouted back."
Corrected:
"You're free, go now. I'll distract him."
"But what about you!" The girl shouted as she got up.
"I can take care of myself."
(I don't even know about the 'leave me now the girl shouted back.)
See what I mean? And things are moving way to fast(I just read the rest) I think it would be a great story if you corrected everything and took things slower. If you want, I'll correct the whole thing and message it to you. I just want to be able to understand it, that's all.
-Erik's Angel Forever
4Erik's Angel ForeverMy inner author is screaming. I stopped reading after the second paragraph. Please do not take this is a bad way, because reviews are here to help you become a better writer:
You REALLY need to work on punctuation and quotation marks. I don't know where a sentence stops/starts, when a person is talking. You need to work on capitalization.
" your free go now ill distract him but what about you the girl shouted as she got up i can take care of my self leave me now the girl shouted back."
Corrected:
"You're free, go now. I'll distract him."
"But what about you!" The girl shouted as she got up.
"I can take care of myself."
(I don't even know about the 'leave me now the girl shouted back.)
See what I mean? And things are moving way to fast(I just read the rest) I think it would be a great story if you corrected everything and took things slower. If you want, I'll correct the whole thing and message it to you. I just want to be able to understand it, that's all.
-Erik's Angel Forever