for Love Like A Candle9/10/2012 c1 
5Long story
A review that comes quite a bit late, but here it is at last. I read the first half of this in Strange Love collection, and as I told you, I thought Hilary was a guy (the only Hilary I've known is a guy). And if there isn't any apocalypse in this story, I might have stopped reading at once during the realization.
The first thing that I came to notice was the narrative voice, of Johan Yo. The maturity in the way he narrates plus the fact that this piece was written in present tense strike me odd. He sounds too mature for the Johan we saw on TSLOD (with the default assumption that he's still of the same age here, dunno if I missed any revelation in the story that suggests he's older). I'm not sure what's making him sounding too mature in this story, but I suspect that it was because he used too much long sentences in his narration. Well, maybe.
Adventure plus romance is definitely the type of romance I prefer the most (though you put there "suspense/romance"). Making the romance part an "aside" for the great adventure actually packs more punch in the romance then it does in pure romance. I bet this effect is greater when people read this without thinking it's a romance. For the scene at the basement. . . . Way to go! You've got the straight side of me kicking in! I like the part Johan hesitates to admit he loves her and reckons the kiss is an act of lust. And then he unconsciously admitted it in the later paragraphs when he says "our love burns brightly". I'm glad you didn't state it explicitly like "no doubt now I really loves her".
I must admit that the religious theme did slow me down a bit, when it starts to pop up explicitly. It doesn’t sound offensive to me though. But it does sound pretty sermonic. Yet at some point the sermonic feeling seems to fade away, like when Johan says “If his faith is what's making him help people, then that's all for the best.” Yes I agree with that. I’m not sure if the atheists I’ve met are over-exagerating the negative side of religion, but till now I still can’t get round to agree with them. And again, it sounds too maturely sensible for Johan to actually care about religious things without any mention of any adult giving him a atheistic standpoint. Saying “my dad/uncle/etc once told me that” before he makes any comment on religion might make it sound more natural, I think.
I’m not sure why you killed Hilary, but I have the feeling that it has to do with strengthening your theme. And the lyrics. Written mainly for the story? Now that’s new to me. x)
Does his sleep has some sort of time-travel effect? Feels like every time he woke up there is a hint suggesting that time has passed unnaturally.
5Long storyA review that comes quite a bit late, but here it is at last. I read the first half of this in Strange Love collection, and as I told you, I thought Hilary was a guy (the only Hilary I've known is a guy). And if there isn't any apocalypse in this story, I might have stopped reading at once during the realization.
The first thing that I came to notice was the narrative voice, of Johan Yo. The maturity in the way he narrates plus the fact that this piece was written in present tense strike me odd. He sounds too mature for the Johan we saw on TSLOD (with the default assumption that he's still of the same age here, dunno if I missed any revelation in the story that suggests he's older). I'm not sure what's making him sounding too mature in this story, but I suspect that it was because he used too much long sentences in his narration. Well, maybe.
Adventure plus romance is definitely the type of romance I prefer the most (though you put there "suspense/romance"). Making the romance part an "aside" for the great adventure actually packs more punch in the romance then it does in pure romance. I bet this effect is greater when people read this without thinking it's a romance. For the scene at the basement. . . . Way to go! You've got the straight side of me kicking in! I like the part Johan hesitates to admit he loves her and reckons the kiss is an act of lust. And then he unconsciously admitted it in the later paragraphs when he says "our love burns brightly". I'm glad you didn't state it explicitly like "no doubt now I really loves her".
I must admit that the religious theme did slow me down a bit, when it starts to pop up explicitly. It doesn’t sound offensive to me though. But it does sound pretty sermonic. Yet at some point the sermonic feeling seems to fade away, like when Johan says “If his faith is what's making him help people, then that's all for the best.” Yes I agree with that. I’m not sure if the atheists I’ve met are over-exagerating the negative side of religion, but till now I still can’t get round to agree with them. And again, it sounds too maturely sensible for Johan to actually care about religious things without any mention of any adult giving him a atheistic standpoint. Saying “my dad/uncle/etc once told me that” before he makes any comment on religion might make it sound more natural, I think.
I’m not sure why you killed Hilary, but I have the feeling that it has to do with strengthening your theme. And the lyrics. Written mainly for the story? Now that’s new to me. x)
Does his sleep has some sort of time-travel effect? Feels like every time he woke up there is a hint suggesting that time has passed unnaturally.
5/3/2012 c1 4owlhero
I have to get caught on the early and current special collections I missed.
The ultimate challenge in story telling is trying to give a story involving characters with little depth and TV time such as these two. I am impressed. It would difficult for me at least.
Your idea worked wonders here.
I would think Johan would have an arrogant streak in him considering his age, money and his minor celebrity.
The Mayan twist was very funny but also for some, quite real.
Add in a horror element and we have a winner. Considering his hobby is a solo sport, I can it see affecting him and increasing his independence.
Johan seems so self-centered its almost impossible. At least he's not totally cold to others as leave them behind.
What an odd couple.
The meteors proved quite a scare for me.
The atheist aspect just made this story whole. I mean all religions have end of the world elements so why should it not be in this story.
Johan is just saying what anyone would think at this time. Why us and why has He done this to us?
The scorching seems like one of the plagues you used here. A minor element that adds more mystery to the story.
Having the relationship develop through this apocalyptic period seems odd but why not? It adds the element of what do we have to lose.
Snd of course in typical tiger fashion, yoou off her. Creeps me out sleeping with a dead girl.
4owlheroI have to get caught on the early and current special collections I missed.
The ultimate challenge in story telling is trying to give a story involving characters with little depth and TV time such as these two. I am impressed. It would difficult for me at least.
Your idea worked wonders here.
I would think Johan would have an arrogant streak in him considering his age, money and his minor celebrity.
The Mayan twist was very funny but also for some, quite real.
Add in a horror element and we have a winner. Considering his hobby is a solo sport, I can it see affecting him and increasing his independence.
Johan seems so self-centered its almost impossible. At least he's not totally cold to others as leave them behind.
What an odd couple.
The meteors proved quite a scare for me.
The atheist aspect just made this story whole. I mean all religions have end of the world elements so why should it not be in this story.
Johan is just saying what anyone would think at this time. Why us and why has He done this to us?
The scorching seems like one of the plagues you used here. A minor element that adds more mystery to the story.
Having the relationship develop through this apocalyptic period seems odd but why not? It adds the element of what do we have to lose.
Snd of course in typical tiger fashion, yoou off her. Creeps me out sleeping with a dead girl.