for Whatever9/19/2012 c2 Guest D
Once there was a young girl. She had a perfect life. She loved her
family, her friends and her pet dog. She got good grades and was on countless sports teams.
She was loved by everyone and absolutley nothing was wrong with her.
However, one night, she was walking home. She was walking through a
graveyard.
When her parents woke up the next day, she wasn't in her bed. They
went down to the cemetary where they found her dead body. The doctors found no source of death.
If you copy and paste this to 10 other story reveiws, the one you love
will kiss you and when you grow old enough, they will marry you and have many children.
If you don't within three days, you'll both die a painful death by the
hand of that girl.
Once there was a young girl. She had a perfect life. She loved her
family, her friends and her pet dog. She got good grades and was on countless sports teams.
She was loved by everyone and absolutley nothing was wrong with her.
However, one night, she was walking home. She was walking through a
graveyard.
When her parents woke up the next day, she wasn't in her bed. They
went down to the cemetary where they found her dead body. The doctors found no source of death.
If you copy and paste this to 10 other story reveiws, the one you love
will kiss you and when you grow old enough, they will marry you and have many children.
If you don't within three days, you'll both die a painful death by the
hand of that girl.
8/28/2012 c2 midnightlover45
It isn;t terrible! It's great! Like Hersheychocolates101 said, you've definitaly have added more discription into this chapter, and that's EPIC! Keep it up, OK?
It isn;t terrible! It's great! Like Hersheychocolates101 said, you've definitaly have added more discription into this chapter, and that's EPIC! Keep it up, OK?
7/20/2012 c2 
19HersheyChocolates101
You added more description in this chapter...That's super! D Rick is absolutely hilarious. Please please please please please please please please please please CONTINUE! If you're having trouble with grammar I can help ya edit, if you want.
Pwetty pwease? This is so funny and unique and Rick is barely written on FF and you're one of my bestest buddies and I'll cry if you don't continue! D:
Don't make me cry! D: Continue on this story! :D
Sorry for the inhumanely long review.
HersheyChocolates101 who would do anything to get you to update.
19HersheyChocolates101You added more description in this chapter...That's super! D Rick is absolutely hilarious. Please please please please please please please please please please CONTINUE! If you're having trouble with grammar I can help ya edit, if you want.
Pwetty pwease? This is so funny and unique and Rick is barely written on FF and you're one of my bestest buddies and I'll cry if you don't continue! D:
Don't make me cry! D: Continue on this story! :D
Sorry for the inhumanely long review.
HersheyChocolates101 who would do anything to get you to update.
7/20/2012 c1 HersheyChoco101
xD The smoking part was hilarious! I love this, though you need to start a new paragraph everytime someone different thinks or speaks. Also try to stick with one POV (I learned this pretty recently...lol) throughout the chapter. Otherwise it's great! Sorry it took me only fifteen million years to read this.
xD The smoking part was hilarious! I love this, though you need to start a new paragraph everytime someone different thinks or speaks. Also try to stick with one POV (I learned this pretty recently...lol) throughout the chapter. Otherwise it's great! Sorry it took me only fifteen million years to read this.
5/5/2012 c1 5The Rune Reverend
I was into the story until the POV started shifting. Right off the bat, you've got something good: strong characterization. Helps you characters stand out. Claire is a brazen young woman and she comes off really strong to the point of obnixious even without realizing it. That's good! It makes her memorable.
I thought, all in all, the story could have used a little more depth. Don't get me wrong, the story has a solid start and it really gets your attention. But a lot of the depth and backstory could have been fleshed out in just a few short paragrapghs. You move VERY quickly through the narrative and you move fast enough that it hurts your overall chapter becase we don't have a chance to slow down and take it all in.
And then there's the POV change. You had THREE peoples POV in one chapter and three seperate transitions. AAH! TOO MUCH! In all seriousness, if you're going to have multiple POVs, the best thing you can do for your reader is limit them to a POV change per chapter or at least just ONE POV change per chapter, if you must have it. But switching POV after a couple of paragrapghs is headache inducing and I don't reccomend it. It's a big turn off for a reader and it makes getting invested in the story being told much harder to do.
Other than that, I WAS highly entertained and I like your version of Claire a lot. She's brash and funny and stands out easily. Love it! Keep up the good work and hopefully you find my advice a little helpful.
5The Rune ReverendI was into the story until the POV started shifting. Right off the bat, you've got something good: strong characterization. Helps you characters stand out. Claire is a brazen young woman and she comes off really strong to the point of obnixious even without realizing it. That's good! It makes her memorable.
I thought, all in all, the story could have used a little more depth. Don't get me wrong, the story has a solid start and it really gets your attention. But a lot of the depth and backstory could have been fleshed out in just a few short paragrapghs. You move VERY quickly through the narrative and you move fast enough that it hurts your overall chapter becase we don't have a chance to slow down and take it all in.
And then there's the POV change. You had THREE peoples POV in one chapter and three seperate transitions. AAH! TOO MUCH! In all seriousness, if you're going to have multiple POVs, the best thing you can do for your reader is limit them to a POV change per chapter or at least just ONE POV change per chapter, if you must have it. But switching POV after a couple of paragrapghs is headache inducing and I don't reccomend it. It's a big turn off for a reader and it makes getting invested in the story being told much harder to do.
Other than that, I WAS highly entertained and I like your version of Claire a lot. She's brash and funny and stands out easily. Love it! Keep up the good work and hopefully you find my advice a little helpful.