for Yugioh: Return of the Future Darkness8/24/2012 c8 Lightningblade49
Just had a thought since Stardust dragon is with Malice would'nt Yusei show up as well,making the Epic Showdown once more.
Just had a thought since Stardust dragon is with Malice would'nt Yusei show up as well,making the Epic Showdown once more.
6/25/2012 c5 insert username69
great duel so far i love it. its so awesome
great duel so far i love it. its so awesome
5/23/2012 c5 
9Sparkly Emerald
Geez, Malice is getting more and more maniacal as the duel goes on. Is it some sort of power trip or maybe the evil is like some sort of freaky infection? Idk, I'm just throwing out guesses,lol. Wow, this chapter was super long and very impressive.
Also, here are the errors I caught.
"Attacking with Cyber End Dragon forces Jaden to use up his cards, which means Malice has something worse installed for him" Banner answered.
I think you meant “In store” not installed.
"This is the turn where I take down your Cyber End Dragon. My last face down cared has ensured that, I activate it, it's my H-Heated Heart spell card, and I'll target my Elemental Hero Bladedge giving it a 500 attack power boost and that's not all it also gets the ability to cause piercing battle damage even if the monster is in defense mode" Jaden explained as E-Hero Bladedge's power increased.
“card” not “cared”
"You might as well give up here and now Jaden. My field has a full proof strategy and you have no cards in your hand and your two Hero Kids are no match for my beasts" Malice told him as he activated the effect of Malefic Universe giving him two more cards. Jaden has been doing well with picking which card isn't the one Malice really wanted him to pick.
Isn’t it “fool proof”? Also that last sentence is worded very awkwardly. I had to read it a few times before I understood.
Malice's face went wide, wondering what fusion monster Jaden is going to special summon.
It’s pretty impossible for you face to go wide. J I’m thinking that you either meant “face went white” or that his eyes went wide.
"I don't understand, why him. He isn't that strong in attack and he can't hurt my monsters so he is of no use to you" Malice told him.
You’re missing a question mark on that first sentence.
9Sparkly EmeraldGeez, Malice is getting more and more maniacal as the duel goes on. Is it some sort of power trip or maybe the evil is like some sort of freaky infection? Idk, I'm just throwing out guesses,lol. Wow, this chapter was super long and very impressive.
Also, here are the errors I caught.
"Attacking with Cyber End Dragon forces Jaden to use up his cards, which means Malice has something worse installed for him" Banner answered.
I think you meant “In store” not installed.
"This is the turn where I take down your Cyber End Dragon. My last face down cared has ensured that, I activate it, it's my H-Heated Heart spell card, and I'll target my Elemental Hero Bladedge giving it a 500 attack power boost and that's not all it also gets the ability to cause piercing battle damage even if the monster is in defense mode" Jaden explained as E-Hero Bladedge's power increased.
“card” not “cared”
"You might as well give up here and now Jaden. My field has a full proof strategy and you have no cards in your hand and your two Hero Kids are no match for my beasts" Malice told him as he activated the effect of Malefic Universe giving him two more cards. Jaden has been doing well with picking which card isn't the one Malice really wanted him to pick.
Isn’t it “fool proof”? Also that last sentence is worded very awkwardly. I had to read it a few times before I understood.
Malice's face went wide, wondering what fusion monster Jaden is going to special summon.
It’s pretty impossible for you face to go wide. J I’m thinking that you either meant “face went white” or that his eyes went wide.
"I don't understand, why him. He isn't that strong in attack and he can't hurt my monsters so he is of no use to you" Malice told him.
You’re missing a question mark on that first sentence.
5/15/2012 c4 Sparkly Emerald
You really did just need to slow down. :D I'm so excited by your improvement! It's great! I only noticed a few errors in the chapter. If you'd like I can go back through and point them out for you. You're really good at writing duels, you explain everything very well and it's pretty intense. Jaden had quite a few OOC(Out of character) moments so you might want to watch out for that in future chapters. Also, make sure you remember that Jaden had incredible luck and a knack for turning it around at the last minute. You seem to be aware of that in your writing but just keep that in mind. :D
You really did just need to slow down. :D I'm so excited by your improvement! It's great! I only noticed a few errors in the chapter. If you'd like I can go back through and point them out for you. You're really good at writing duels, you explain everything very well and it's pretty intense. Jaden had quite a few OOC(Out of character) moments so you might want to watch out for that in future chapters. Also, make sure you remember that Jaden had incredible luck and a knack for turning it around at the last minute. You seem to be aware of that in your writing but just keep that in mind. :D
5/12/2012 c3 Sparkly Emerald
Much better. There weren't many noticeable errors this time. It seems like you spent more time on this chapter. It still seems kind of rushed and it was a bit over dramatic.
There were a few things you skipped over that I really would have liked more explanation on, but they weren't really necessary to the story, I guess.
I am enjoying the story itself, but I need it to look polished to keep my interest. Otherwise, I spend too much time trying to figure out what was typed than I do on the actual story. That's what I was trying to tell you with the criticism I gave.
Much better. There weren't many noticeable errors this time. It seems like you spent more time on this chapter. It still seems kind of rushed and it was a bit over dramatic.
There were a few things you skipped over that I really would have liked more explanation on, but they weren't really necessary to the story, I guess.
I am enjoying the story itself, but I need it to look polished to keep my interest. Otherwise, I spend too much time trying to figure out what was typed than I do on the actual story. That's what I was trying to tell you with the criticism I gave.
5/9/2012 c2 Sparkly Emerald
Hasty, hasty, hasty. Did you even look at this after you typed it? I'm sorry but this chapter was terrible. It was sloppily written, transparent and super predictable. Then there's all the grammar and spelling problems.
It's sad because you seem like such a bright kid! It seems like you got WAY too excited and typed this in a hurry. Try again.
Hasty, hasty, hasty. Did you even look at this after you typed it? I'm sorry but this chapter was terrible. It was sloppily written, transparent and super predictable. Then there's all the grammar and spelling problems.
It's sad because you seem like such a bright kid! It seems like you got WAY too excited and typed this in a hurry. Try again.
5/9/2012 c1 Sparkly Emerald
Hey, I don't know if your cousin warned you about me but I am a bit of a spelling Nazi. I will pick apart the words and find the misspellings, just know that I do it out of love. 3.
"t just chill a bit" his new fried told him."
I believe you meant to type 'friend'
"Although it is rather earlier since it's only been a year,"
'rather early' is the correct way to word that.
"He isn't a bad duelist but he tends to get anxious during a duel pretty heavily. "
Just, no, this sentence was very poorly constructed. Maybe more like this? 'He isn't a bad duelist, but he tends to get very anxious during a duel' Still not good exactly, but do you get the idea?
Actually that whole paragraph could use some work, a total revision of that paragraph wouldn't be a bad idea.
"look who has to chill out. Don't worry, when we find the gang and get to know them you'll be fine, they should be around here somewhere" Jaden said as he looks around the room, turning his head in every direction."
'When we find the gang and YOU get to know them.' Jaden already knows them. :) 'As he looked around the room' Jaden cannot turn his head on every direction, btw, that should be reworded.
There were ALOT more errors but I got tired of copy/pasting.
You need a beta reader, at least for grammar and spelling. i'd be happy to do it if you can't find someone else.
I really like your story so far, you have a pretty decent grasp of the character's personalities and I'm looking forward to seeing how your OCs turn out. :)
Oh! Also your foreshadowing was way too heavy-handed only an idiot would have missed it. :P I mean, you can do it however you want but typically foreshadowing is a bit more subtle. Like, if you weren't looking for it you could miss it.
Well, that's all I have to say this time, keep at it~
Hey, I don't know if your cousin warned you about me but I am a bit of a spelling Nazi. I will pick apart the words and find the misspellings, just know that I do it out of love. 3.
"t just chill a bit" his new fried told him."
I believe you meant to type 'friend'
"Although it is rather earlier since it's only been a year,"
'rather early' is the correct way to word that.
"He isn't a bad duelist but he tends to get anxious during a duel pretty heavily. "
Just, no, this sentence was very poorly constructed. Maybe more like this? 'He isn't a bad duelist, but he tends to get very anxious during a duel' Still not good exactly, but do you get the idea?
Actually that whole paragraph could use some work, a total revision of that paragraph wouldn't be a bad idea.
"look who has to chill out. Don't worry, when we find the gang and get to know them you'll be fine, they should be around here somewhere" Jaden said as he looks around the room, turning his head in every direction."
'When we find the gang and YOU get to know them.' Jaden already knows them. :) 'As he looked around the room' Jaden cannot turn his head on every direction, btw, that should be reworded.
There were ALOT more errors but I got tired of copy/pasting.
You need a beta reader, at least for grammar and spelling. i'd be happy to do it if you can't find someone else.
I really like your story so far, you have a pretty decent grasp of the character's personalities and I'm looking forward to seeing how your OCs turn out. :)
Oh! Also your foreshadowing was way too heavy-handed only an idiot would have missed it. :P I mean, you can do it however you want but typically foreshadowing is a bit more subtle. Like, if you weren't looking for it you could miss it.
Well, that's all I have to say this time, keep at it~