for The High Aces2/10 c3 
2DarkNekoGreece
Omg I absolutely love your story. Please oh please update soon. -places a plate of towering choco chip cookies in front of you to give you energy-
2DarkNekoGreeceOmg I absolutely love your story. Please oh please update soon. -places a plate of towering choco chip cookies in front of you to give you energy-
5/19/2012 c1 n
it's alright but blackshadow shouldnt need a mask because she isnt a boy. your making her seem too much like a boy.
but it's going to turn out great if you countinue!
it's alright but blackshadow shouldnt need a mask because she isnt a boy. your making her seem too much like a boy.
but it's going to turn out great if you countinue!
5/17/2012 c2 From O to O
Haha, barehands, lame pun :P
I have to say that your formatting is much better in this chapter. But remember when one person is still talking, it should still be the same paragraph (unless it's a gigantic monologue)
Also, when describing scenes with fangirls, try to describe the problem. Like the annoying "KYAA! BISHIE!" screams and the ogling stares.
Furthermore, you want to add description of the monsters so we get a rough idea of what the character is going up against. Try describing battle scenes, no matter how minor they are. For example, when he first fights bears, it could be something like this:
I approached the nearest bear as quietly as possible, trying to pinpoint its weak spots so I could land a good hit in before it noticed me. However, I forgot that I was upwind to the bear. In a few seconds, the bear spun around and lashed at me with its powerful front paws, taking a chunk out of the tree tat had been behind me. I backed up several steps and waited for it to charge again, sweat beads forming on my face. When it tried to attack, I sidestepped, resulting in its paw lodged in a thorny thicket. It gave a roar of pain and turned its beady eyes at me, baring large teeth that looked incredibly painful if they bit me.
I dodged yet again from its jaws, fists tucked in and ready to strike. I slowly became more confident and lashed out with my fists three times.
Pakbakpak!
(Yuuki has attacked Brown Bear HP - 15)
Right that moment, the bear viciously tore its paw from the bush and attempted to claw my face, barely missing me. I took the chance to kick under its chin, knocking the head backwards as the bear disappeared in a flash of light.
(Yuuki has defeated Brown Bear, XP 100/2000, Yuuki has learned Triple Strike)
Yeah, something like that?
In the front cover of the novel, Doll does not have wings.
I notice several other grammar mistakes, but they're excusable for a new writer. Update soon!
PS: MY whole username is From O to O.
Haha, barehands, lame pun :P
I have to say that your formatting is much better in this chapter. But remember when one person is still talking, it should still be the same paragraph (unless it's a gigantic monologue)
Also, when describing scenes with fangirls, try to describe the problem. Like the annoying "KYAA! BISHIE!" screams and the ogling stares.
Furthermore, you want to add description of the monsters so we get a rough idea of what the character is going up against. Try describing battle scenes, no matter how minor they are. For example, when he first fights bears, it could be something like this:
I approached the nearest bear as quietly as possible, trying to pinpoint its weak spots so I could land a good hit in before it noticed me. However, I forgot that I was upwind to the bear. In a few seconds, the bear spun around and lashed at me with its powerful front paws, taking a chunk out of the tree tat had been behind me. I backed up several steps and waited for it to charge again, sweat beads forming on my face. When it tried to attack, I sidestepped, resulting in its paw lodged in a thorny thicket. It gave a roar of pain and turned its beady eyes at me, baring large teeth that looked incredibly painful if they bit me.
I dodged yet again from its jaws, fists tucked in and ready to strike. I slowly became more confident and lashed out with my fists three times.
Pakbakpak!
(Yuuki has attacked Brown Bear HP - 15)
Right that moment, the bear viciously tore its paw from the bush and attempted to claw my face, barely missing me. I took the chance to kick under its chin, knocking the head backwards as the bear disappeared in a flash of light.
(Yuuki has defeated Brown Bear, XP 100/2000, Yuuki has learned Triple Strike)
Yeah, something like that?
In the front cover of the novel, Doll does not have wings.
I notice several other grammar mistakes, but they're excusable for a new writer. Update soon!
PS: MY whole username is From O to O.
5/12/2012 c1 ummm
alsome!
alsome!
5/11/2012 c1 From O to O
'ello! This is a rather good story so so far, but I'm noticing some really weird things. I've only just touched the 1/2 Prince fandom today (my friend IRL encouraged me to read the fic Prince's Rebirth) and I am seeing a lot of similarities between your fic and Exile Wrath's. It might just be me, I don't know. But in this small fandom, you can't really help but feel suspicious. So please don't get mad .
For one, her female character Ryuukei is female and is a fangirl magnet. Same with your main character, Jess.
Also, the starter quest for thieves is the similar to the one as in his fic, getting 10 snakeskins. And lastly, Fai Blaze fights with kunai attached to wires, similar to the "Wire Blades" for Jess.
Okay, now the comparison part is over.
I have some suggestions for writing. For one, every single time someone thinks or talks, if someone else has already talked or thought in that paragraph, it should be a new paragraph. Also, thoughts should be italics so we can tell the difference. Quotes indicate that they spoke it aloud.
Oh, and Doll in the original novel and manhwa is of the angel race, and has no wings. It's easy to infer that the skill to hide wings is available to all races with wings. Like Gui is a demon but has no bat-like wings.
Good luck with the rest of your story As I said before, no offense intended! .
'ello! This is a rather good story so so far, but I'm noticing some really weird things. I've only just touched the 1/2 Prince fandom today (my friend IRL encouraged me to read the fic Prince's Rebirth) and I am seeing a lot of similarities between your fic and Exile Wrath's. It might just be me, I don't know. But in this small fandom, you can't really help but feel suspicious. So please don't get mad .
For one, her female character Ryuukei is female and is a fangirl magnet. Same with your main character, Jess.
Also, the starter quest for thieves is the similar to the one as in his fic, getting 10 snakeskins. And lastly, Fai Blaze fights with kunai attached to wires, similar to the "Wire Blades" for Jess.
Okay, now the comparison part is over.
I have some suggestions for writing. For one, every single time someone thinks or talks, if someone else has already talked or thought in that paragraph, it should be a new paragraph. Also, thoughts should be italics so we can tell the difference. Quotes indicate that they spoke it aloud.
Oh, and Doll in the original novel and manhwa is of the angel race, and has no wings. It's easy to infer that the skill to hide wings is available to all races with wings. Like Gui is a demon but has no bat-like wings.
Good luck with the rest of your story As I said before, no offense intended! .